WELL, HERE IT IS! Last week, we combed through a year's worth of gossip in a valiant attempt to find the Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2014 Ever! And while we found some awful runner-ups—like Justin Bieber, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kim Kardashian, Bill Cosby, and Bob Costas' pinkeye—none of them could hold a candle to this year's winner/loser:
Yes, dears, 2014 was ruined by white guys—and if you think it's a bit "much" to declare an entire swath of the population the Absolute Worst People in the World for 2014 Ever!, well... just read on. (Oh, and dears? Maybe pour yourself a stiff drink first.)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21
The profoundly unlikeable Alec Baldwin's homophobic hate speech has finally caught up with him! In a long-winded essay in New York magazine (which he melodramatically titled "Good-Bye, Public Life"), Baldwin blames that old bogeyman the Media for all of his problems, vows to move into a gated community where he won't ever be bothered by his critics, brags about how much he's given to charity, calls somebody a "tranny," and—eh, forget it. See you later, Alec! Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9
According to the Oregonian, Multnomah County prosecutors will not pursue charges against Edwin Honeycutt III, the owner of Portland's Mr. Formal tuxedo and formalwear company, who stands accused of pulling a laser-sighted gun on another driver in Southeast Portland. Timothy James Short told police that Honeycutt (who shall henceforth be called Mr. Formal for the sake of hilarity) was following him and driving recklessly. When Short pulled up to a stoplight, he says he waved a white tissue at Mr. Formal "as a sign of truce." (??) Mr. Formal allegedly responded by pointing his laser-sighted, semi-automatic Ruger .380 at Short and saying, "This is what I do!" Short agreed not to pursue charges after Mr. Formal officially lost his concealed weapons permit. Was justice ultimately served? NO, because the stupid Oregonian neglected to answer the most important question: Was Mr. Formal wearing his tuxedo or not? (He must have been... right?)
SATURDAY, APRIL 26
This week TMZ Sports released a tape allegedly featuring Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling spewing a pantload of racial epithets to his girlfriend, V. Stiviano—who, ironies of ironies, is both black and Latina. Stiviano posted a picture of herself posing with Magic Johnson on Instagram... which was more than enough to launch Sterling into a racist tirade! "It bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast you're associating with black people," Sterling barked. "Do you have to?" Also: "You can sleep with [black people]. The little I ask... is not to bring them to my games." Later, Stiviano asked Sterling if he's aware that he had a "whole team that's black." "Do I know?" Sterling responded. "I support them and give them food and clothes and cars and houses. Who gives it to them? Does someone else give it to them?" PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Whoever built a time machine and transported Donald Sterling from 18th century Virginia to the present day, please come pick him up! It's not working out for anyone.
TUESDAY, JUNE 10
Following the Isla Vista shootings (killing six, wounding 13), a school shooting at Seattle Pacific University (killing one, wounding two), and a Las Vegas shooting (in which two police officers and a bystander were murdered by two extreme right-wing terrorists), gun violence came to Troutdale's Reynolds High School today, when a 15-year-old freshman entered the school's gym and shot and killed 14-year-old Emilio Hoffman with an AR-15 rifle. According to police, the shooter (whose name you won't find in this column, because he's an asshole who doesn't deserve any further fame) also carried a semi-automatic handgun with enough rounds to kill several hundred people. After shooting Hoffman and grazing teacher Todd Rispler, the young murderer (who was an ROTC member and gun enthusiast) took his own life. As of press time, it still isn't known what the shooter's intentions were—though it isn't a stretch to conclude that America's obsession with (and intense defense of) guns had something to do with it.
MONDAY, AUGUST 11
On Saturday, 18-year-old Michael Brown was walking down the street in his hometown of Ferguson, Missouri, when he encountered local police officer Darren Wilson. Accounts vary, but according to witnesses, Brown turned and ran with his hands in the air—and Wilson shot the unarmed teenager. The city of Ferguson erupted in immediate fury. Police initially refused to release details of who had shot Brown—let alone arrest or charge the officer—and the resultant protests led to violence, which led to looting, burning of businesses, a police helicopter being fired upon, and St. Louis County riot teams lobbing tear-gas grenades and shooting rubber bullets into the crowds, while arresting at least two journalists trying to report from the scene (as well as gassing an Al Jazeera news truck). When asked to defend their actions, St. Louis County Police Chief Jon Belmar said, "We've done everything we can to demonstrate a remarkable amount of restraint." Ferguson has a population of 21,000 people, 67 percent of whom are African American. 94 percent of the police force are white.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 29
Yet again, 4chan and Reddit—the broken toilets of the internet—have gurgled and shook and spewed forth something hideous: illegally acquired nude photographs that show a veritable who's who of female celebrities in intimate situations, including Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lea Michele, Kirsten Dunst, and many, many more. "The group of posters sharing, speculating on, and celebrating the invasion of the women's privacy began gathering on 4chan but coalesced Monday on a subreddit called the Fappening, where hundreds of Redditors have taken to posting and commenting on all of the pictures, gifs, video screengrabs, and intel they've collected, and tens of thousands more stood by as viewers," BuzzFeed News reported. MEANWHILE... Surprising no one, Hubby Kip has locked himself in the basement with his iPad. Ladies and gentlemen: humanity at it skeeviest.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17
Gun nuts have a habit of shooting themselves in the foot—and earlier this month in Gresham, yet another insecure man-child with a gun proved to be hilariously inept. KOIN 6 News had the story, summing it up thusly: "A man practicing his open carry right was robbed of the gun he was openly carrying." We now pause for derisive laughter. "William Coleman III was robbed of his Walther-brand P22 just after 2 am on October 4," KOIN reports. "Coleman, 21, was talking to his cousin in the 17200 block of NE Glisan after purchasing the handgun earlier that day, when a young man asked him for a cigarette." We now pause for more derisive laughter. "The man then asked about the gun, pulled a gun from his own waistband, and said, 'I like your gun. Give it to me.' Coleman handed over the gun and the man fled on foot."
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24
In a decision that surprised absolutely no one, Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson was not indicted by a grand jury in the shooting death of 18-year-old Michael Brown. Protesters took to the streets, and as details emerged from Officer Wilson's colorful testimony—in which he said he panicked because of Brown's appearance, claiming the teen resembled "a demon" the size of "Hulk Hogan"—the country's frustration grew. It also didn't help that St. Louis County Prosecutor Robert P. McCulloch presented evidence to the grand jury as if it were a real trial—except without the necessary cross-examination, which is kind of important when trying to establish whether someone is guilty or innocent.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3
Today a grand jury from Staten Island was the latest group of morons to disappoint the nation—this time by failing to indict a NYC police officer in the choking death of a black man and father of six, Eric Garner. Garner was allegedly attempting to sell loose cigarettes when Officer Daniel Pantaleo put him in a chokehold, causing him to gasp, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe" repeatedly until he died. And it was all caught on video. And yet? This somehow wasn't enough to persuade a grand jury to indict, therefore causing America to take to the streets. While the US Department of Justice has announced it will open a civil rights inquiry into the death of Garner, it's hard not to think of the justice system as a complete and utterly unfunny joke. Because as Eric Garner's widow, Esaw Garner, said when asked about receiving an apology from Officer Pantaleo, "The time for remorse for the death of my husband was when he was yelling to breathe."
2015: The year white guys really need to turn things around.