GWYNETH PALTROW "Remind me again how this 'food stamp' thingie works."

MONDAY, APRIL 6

Strangely, not everyone is rushing out to see Going Clear—the documentary depicting Scientology's many alleged abuses—particularly actor/shill John Travolta. "It wouldn't make sense," Travolta told the Tampa Bay Times, "since [the church] has been nothing but brilliant for me. So why would I even approach such a negative perspective? That would be a crime." "WHOOOO! WHOOP-WHOOP! WHOOOOOO!!" cheered chief Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu via intergalactic holotube. "Right ON, John! If I had 14 more tentacles, I'd pump those in the air, too! WHOOP-WHOOP! You go, thetan!" So we're to assume then, you haven't seen Going Clear, Emperor? "Well to be perfectly honest, Ann, I did see it on HBO," Klaktu responded. "But only because I was testing my new HBO Now streaming service, and accidentally hit Going Clear instead of Game of Thrones." Okay... so what did you think? "What did I think?" roared Klaktu, gills flapping in fury. "I thought it was BALDERDASH and BLATANT FRIPPERY! Going Clear completely misrepresented Scientology... and even worse? I WAS NOT MENTIONED ONCE! How do you make a Scientology documentary without paying homage to the alien who's not only destroyed entire galaxies in Scientology's name, but is training the future queen of the universe, Suri Cruise, to ascend to her rightful throne and CRUSH any planet whose denizens refuse to recognize the beauty and might of L. Ron Hubbard's perfect creation?! So FUCK YOU, GOING CLEAR! VENGEANCE... SHALL... BE... MINE! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish binge watching Veep."

TUESDAY, APRIL 7

If you're a fan of the classic teen soap opera The O.C., you may be wondering what happened to Mischa Barton—AKA the perpetually drunk Marissa Cooper. Oh, not much really... just some acting here and there, and SUING HER MOTHER. According to TMZ, Mischa is taking mom/manager, Nuala Barton, to court on charges of being "a greedy stage mother posing as a talent manager" (which is a felony in Tinselturd). According to Mischa, mom misrepresented how much the actress was paid for one of her movies, keeping the difference and a 10 percent management fee for herself. Mischa also accused mom of using her name to start a handbag line and London fashion boutique—while keeping all the profit. But that's not all! Mom also allegedly granted herself co-ownership of Mischa's eight bedroom, 11 bath (that's a lot of baths) mansion, before kicking the former starlet out on her skinny behind. According to the lawsuit, the parents expect "their daughter's hard work and dedication to her craft to support their lifestyle." Ummm... they do realize they're depending on Mischa Barton, right? If so, they may want to look into adopting Taylor Swift.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8

Last weekend South Carolina cop Michael Slager shot 50-year-old Walter Scott five times in the back—and planted a Taser on the victim to cover up his crime. And he would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for that meddling video. Bystander Feidin Santana filmed the entire incident, but was about to delete it off his phone until he read the local newspaper's report of the shooting (provided by Slager and the police), which stated that "during the struggle the man gained control of the Taser and attempted to use it against the officer." The report went on to add, "The officer then resorted to his service weapon and shot him." Naturally, Feidin's video told a very different story. "I saw the police report," Feidin told NBC News. "I said, 'No, this is not right—this is not what happened.'" Feidin then gave the video to Scott's family, who in turn gave it to the press. Within days Officer Slager was charged with murder. Feidin offered one other extremely telling observation to NBC News: "I knew if I didn't give [the video] to them, nothing would happen." Truer words have never been spoken.

THURSDAY, APRIL 9

Cat-ear wearing diva Ariana Grande was visited onstage at her concert last night by supposedly reformed a-hole Justin Bieber who took the opportunity to get very... umm... "handsy." Burying his face in her shoulder, Biebs was photographed rubbing against her from behind, and inappropriately touching her on the swimsuit (or in Ariana's case, nude pantyhose) area. As expected, these photos were quickly scattered to the wind and eventually seen by Ariana's current boyfriend, rapper Big Seanuh-oh!—who responded on Twatter thusly: "That kid is about to learn not to touch my girl like that. Bieliebe that." Naturally the tweet was quickly deleted, and laughed off as a big, funny joke, which we should all immediately forget, okay? Because when Bieber's broken body is discovered floating face down in the river, nobody saw or heard anything... right? Right.

FRIDAY, APRIL 10

"@HeathrowAirport just took my pumped breast milk away," Alyssa Milano tweeted this week. "10 ounces. Gone. Not okay." The London airport responded—as, one assumes, they do whenever a former child star of Who's the Boss? angrily tweets at them—by reminding Milano of their rules for traveling with breast milk when one isn't accompanied by their child: "To confirm," they tweeted, "if you aren't traveling with your baby, milk is subject to the 100ml/(3.4oz) liquid restriction." "I would have happily spread milk in different containers (which I travel with) to comply to those liquid rules," Milano replied. "Instead, milk was taken away with no discussion. Shampoo, lotions etcetera were simply tested and handed back with no issue. Makes no sense at all." Thus ends the first, and hopefully only, international incident to be caused by Alyssa Milano's breast milk.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11

The world's worst person, Gwyneth Paltrow, is taking celebrity chef Mario Batali's #FoodBankNYCChallenge, which encourages participants to replicate the experience of living on food stamps (for a week) by using "$29 per person for all your food for seven days." "Good for Paltrow. We'll see how she fares," Donna Freydkin at USA Today wrote, after pointing out that Paltrow's lifestyle website Goop featured a spring guide to coats that included "a Monique Lhuillier bomber jacket that costs a meager $2,295" and that Paltrow likes to casually say things like, "As a home cook, one of the best things I've ever done was to build a wood-burning oven in the backyard." But maybe we're being too hard on Gwynnie! Maybe this will be a great learning experience for her, and maybe she'll discover what life's like for everyday Americans who aren't filthy rich. Maybe this isn't a pathetic, self-aggrandizing stunt. Maybe... just maybe... this will make Gwyneth Paltrow a better, less obliviously privileged, less sanctimoniously obnoxious perso—HA! HAHAHAAAAAAA! HAAAAAA! HA! Ha! Haaa... phew. Oh, we're sorry. We tried to keep a straight face, dears. We really did.

SUNDAY, APRIL 12

Speaking of everyday Americans, someone else who's profoundly out of touch with them has something to say! "Everyday Americans need a champion. And I want to be that champion," former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said today in a video that finally announced her long-assumed candidacy for president. "So I'm hitting the road to earn your vote—because it's your time. And I hope you'll join me on this journey." Clinton's announcement "effectively began what could be one of the least contested races, without an incumbent, for the Democratic presidential nomination in recent history," the New York Times reported. In other words: Here's hoping you like Clinton, because she's going to be the Democratic nominee, and there's nothing that you or anybody else can do about it, and it doesn't matter if you'd prefer a nominee who does more than offer lip service to progressive causes, or if you'd prefer an actual race that would challenge and strengthen the candidates' issues, or if you'd prefer to vote for somebody who hasn't been deeply entrenched in Washington politics for the last three decades. Unquestionably, there are upsides to Clinton's candidacy—like the fact that she has a real shot of being America's long-overdue first woman president (that's great!), or the fact that Clinton definitely is not Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, or Ted Cruz (that's great too!). Whether she's the best woman for the job, though... well, that's another question entirely. IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... Elizabeth Warren spent a "nice, lazy Sunday" watching Netflix's new Daredevil series. "It's pretty good!" the beloved, tough-as-nails senator replied when we asked her why the hell she wasn't running for president. "It's so much better than I thought it'd be! I still like Arrow better, though."