JOHNNY DEPP He could go to prison?!? There IS a God!

MONDAY, MAY 25

For those who like rubbernecking car crashes, you'll love this Duggar family update! As ickily reported last week, oldest son Josh Duggar admitted to molesting five underage girls (including his sisters) when he was a teen, and, as punishment, given a stern talking-to by a state trooper—who didn't press charges. Okay, so now we find out that this same state trooper is currently imprisoned on child pornography charges (!!), and claims the story papa Jim Bob Duggar originally told him isn't exactly... you know... "the truth." According to In Touch magazine, former state trooper Joseph Hutchens now swears he was told Josh had molested only one girl in a single incident. "If I had to do it over again," Hutchens says, "I would have told [Jim Bob] immediately I am going to call the hotline [and file a full report].... I am a Christian myself.... The young girl should've been my first priority." True, but don't be so hard on yourself, Joseph! Watching Christian kiddie porn can really eat into one's day. MEANWHILE... While the Duggars' show, 19 Kids and Counting, has yet to be canceled—advertisers like Walgreens and Payless are like rats fleeing a sinking molester's ship—TV network TLC is nevertheless planning on a 19 Kids spinoff starring Duggar newlyweds Jill and Derick, and Jessa and Ben. (No, the wives and husbands are not related. We felt it was important to provide that information.) SPEAKING OF INCEST... According to gossip site Defamer, papa Jim Bob's views on the subject of incest have changed drastically over the years. Back in 2002, when he was attempting what would be a failed US Senate run, he included the following nugget as one of his core positions: "Rape and incest represent heinous crimes and as such should be treated as capital crimes." This just in: Even though Josh Duggar committed incest, he is still alive. And in fact, he would've gotten away with it, too... if it weren't for those meddling victims.

TUESDAY, MAY 26

Speaking of meddlers, the meddling matriarch of the Kardashian Klan, Kris Jenner, continues to find new and creative ways to make money off her children. According to TMZ, Kris has filed legal documents to trademark the word "momager"—a mom who's a manager—thereby legally blocking anyone else from using the term... that is, unless they enjoy getting sued. Quick poll: Does anyone who isn't a douchebag of the highest order ever plan on using this stupid word? Didn't think so. It's all yours, Kris! Hope you choke on it.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27

Let's move on to the next detestable human being, shall we? Remember when Republican presidential wannabe Rick Santorum defended the transitioning Bruce Jenner, saying, "If he says he's a woman, then he's a woman. My responsibility as a human being is to love and accept everybody," and our jaw hit the ground so hard we needed a car jack to return it to its rightful location? Well, don't fret, folks! Terrible old Rick Santorum is back! When asked in an NBC interview what he'll do if the Supreme Court rules in favor of same-sex marriage, Santorum said, "I think it's important to understand that the Supreme Court doesn't have the final word. It's important for Congress and the president, frankly, to push back when the Supreme Court gets it wrong." Wait... what happened to his responsibility to "love and accept everybody"? And isn't a president who overrules the Supreme Court basically a dictator? And if he is, why even hold an election? And finally, is the Supreme Court actually "getting it wrong" when 60 percent of Americans support same-sex marriage? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

THURSDAY, MAY 28

We take our "good news" where we can get it, right? Well, listen to this: For the first time in nearly eight years, Lindsay Lohan is no longer on probation! A few weeks ago we reported that LiLo had a little more than two weeks to accomplish the impossible—complete 125 hours of community service, or face prison time. Naturally, having covered Lindsay's multiple run-ins with the law for years, our expectations were extremely low. And yet? She did it! Working an astonishing eight hours a day (astonishing for her... remember we're talking about Lindsay Lohan here) for just over two weeks straight, she finished her required community service, thereby inspiring her judge to lift her probation. Do you know what this means? If Lindsay can do this, then the rest of us can do anything! Let's see if I can put down this martini. Nope! But I'll try again tomorrow!

FRIDAY, MAY 29

Last night, at NE Alberta's Last Thursday street fair, a 16-year-old gunman fired into the crowd—"injuring two teenage boys and a 25-year-old woman," as Casey Parks and Andrew Theen reported for the Oregonian. Normally, a shooting like this would be tragic enough... and yet? Some of Portland's worst people somehow managed to make it even more terrible. "The people who approached the crime-scene tape didn't want to know how the victims were doing," the Oregonian continued. "No, they wanted Salt & Straw ice cream.... Some would-be customers left when they realized police were not going to let them through. Others lingered at the shooting scene, taking selfies or cracking jokes about possible dessert-related motives for the crime: 'You think this is all over ice cream?' one young woman asked her friends. 'They didn't have his flavor?'" Even after word of the horrible shooting spread, Alberta's oblivious, gentrifying yuppies kept schmoozing—and, unbelievably, astonishingly, kept whining about how the crime scene was prohibiting them from standing in line and ordering cutesy flavors of novelty ice cream. "People ate dinner at Little Big Burger and Bollywood Theater as investigators looked for evidence," the Oregonian added. "For hours, people approached the caution tape and asked to cross in order to buy ice cream." IN RELATED NEWS... All three victims of the shooting were taken to Legacy Emanuel Medical Center, where—thankfully and luckily—they were admitted with non-critical injuries. Just in case, you know, anyone who went to Last Thursday was curious!

SATURDAY, MAY 30

Scootch over, North West! You're about to have a baby brother or sister! "I just got the blood test back, and I'm pregnant!" hideous she-harpy Kim Kardashian screeched on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, revealing that she and Kanye West will reproduce yet again, that there is no god, that the poisoned tentacles of the cosmos-demons are, at long last, strangling this frail world. MEANWHILE... "Weird," God said, when asked for comment. "You know, I always suspected I might not really exist, but it wasn't until that episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians that I was all like, 'Yep. That's it. There's just no way I could exist when something like that happens, you know?'" MEANWHILE... Appearing on the cover of Vanity Fair, the brave, amazing, and beautiful Caitlyn Jenner—better known to some, perhaps, by her old name, Bruce—has made a grand debut, making a huge step for trans people everywhere. And according to TMZ, she chose her name very carefully. "Caitlyn Jenner did not spell her name with a 'K' because she wants a clean break from the Kardashian moniker," TMZ reports. "Our sources say it's not that there's bad blood between Caitlyn and the Kardashians... it's all about self-identity." MEANWHILE... "If only everyone got to choose not to be in this family," the unborn fetus of Kim Kardashian lamented. "Is it too late to make a clean break myself?"

SUNDAY, MAY 31

A few weeks ago, dears, we reported the amazing story of how Johnny Depp snuck his stupid little Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, past Australian quarantine so they could keep him company while he shot Pirates of the Caribbean: Some People Are So Dumb They Will Go See This Movie. After Australian officials made Depp send the dogs back to America—which he did by chartering them a private jet, natch—you'd think it would be all over, right? Wrong! If the case goes to court, "Depp could receive a sentence of up to 10 years in prison," the Guardian reports! "Wait, Johnny Depp might go to prison? And he wouldn't be able to make any more movies?" God proclaimed. "Maybe I exist after all!"