MONDAY, JUNE 29
Today in a beautiful turn of events, rich, bloviating asshole Donald Trump heard the words, "You're fired!" from his bosses at NBC. As you know, on June 16 this laughable caricature (and star of NBC's The Celebrity Apprentice) threw his hat into the Republican presidential race, and simultaneously said something so mindless and stupid, he incurred the wrath of two nations as well as the people who sign his paycheck. Speaking on the topic of immigration and Mexico, Trump accused the country of sending criminals and rapists into the US. "They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists," he said before conceding, "and some I assume are good people." Oh, sure... other than being criminal rapists, right? Justifiably, the world went ape-shit, with Mexico condemning his thoughtless remarks, and refusing to broadcast the Trump-produced Miss Universe pageant. Meanwhile, his American TV bosses at NBC reportedly intend on replacing him on Celebrity Apprentice with a minority host. "NBC is weak," said screaming crybaby Trump after hearing the news. "[They] won't stand behind people who tell it like it is!" (Said the man who never mentions he's a rich, bloviating asshole.)
TUESDAY, JUNE 30
Speaking of bloviators, the abstinence-preaching Bristol Palin is back in the news... for getting pregnant out of wedlock again! But hold on, you guys. Before we nail Bristol to the cross of her own numerous lies (like the time she claimed she wasn't getting paid for delivering abstinence lectures when she was actually making tons of money off them), let's hear her angry, defensive explanation for her latest pregnancy, which she posted online for our endless entertainment. "I made a mistake," Bristol wrote, "but it's not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume. This pregnancy was actually planned." (We assume she wants us to include a record scratch here? We won't.) "Everyone knows I wanted more kids," she continued. "[And] I got ahead of myself. Things didn't go as planned." Wait... "things didn't go as planned"? YOU JUST SAID the pregnancy "was actually planned!" Like, two seconds ago! In her defense, maybe Bristol thinks abstinence means "have as much unmarried sex as you want, just abstain from having babies"? If so, sounds reasonable to us.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 1
Two great Hollyweird romances have taken a long walk off a short pier today: First, the 10-year marriage of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner has crapped the bed. "After much thought and careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to divorce," Bennifer told People magazine. "We go forward with love and friendship... [this is so boring, we're skipping ahead]... commitment to co-parenting our children... [snore!]... whose privacy we ask to be respected during this difficult time... [not gonna happen]... thank you for understanding... [etc., etc., etc.]." Jesus Christ! We're glad they divorced before boring each other to death! MEANWHILE... In other breakup news, highly unlikely couple Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin (formerly Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow) have taken the express train to Splitsville, according to Us magazine. What caused the breakup? A source tells Us it was because J.Law has been "working nonstop" and "they never saw each other." Or, you know, it could be because (as we reported recently) Gwyneth forced Chris to force Jennifer to accompany them on their hellish family vacation with the kids and Gwynnie's boyfriend Brad Falchuk. A "source" didn't tell us that... we just assume that's why Jennifer ran screaming into the night—as any sane person would.
THURSDAY, JULY 2
In other celebrity news, pop warbler Katy Perry desperately wanted to buy a convent (to add to her collection of convents?), but was shut down by two of the resident nuns. After Perry announced her intention to buy the convent, the nuns decided to research the pop star by Googling some of her music videos. Ummm... let's just say they were not impressed. "Well, I found Katy Perry and I found her videos," said Sister Rita to the LA Times. "And if it's all right to say, I wasn't happy with any of it." Who says nuns are out of touch with the rest of society? MEANWHILE... Hollyweird's hottest genderqueer celebrity, Miley Cyrus (who recently posed nude with a pig on the cover of Paper magazine), was spotted making out on the street with Victoria's Secret model Stella Maxwell, as well as shoving her hands down the model's pants and (according to TMZ) possibly finger-blasting her? After reading this report, our Hubby Kip had only this to say: "Life is cruel, it's unfair, and I'm going to lie facedown in the basement for a while." Ohhhh... poor sweetie. (Psst! Who wants to go shopping??)
FRIDAY, JULY 3
Earlier this week, Apple launched the latest phase in their campaign for corporate world domination: Apple Music. And everything went swimmingly—until Beats 1, the service's streaming "radio" station, crashed for half an hour! Mysterious! Or maybe not so mysterious. As Paper reports, weirdo wunderkind Jaden Smith called Beats 1 to request Nerf Herder's theme for Buffy the Vampire Slayer—and shortly after it was played, Beats 1 crashed. "Could it be that 'unknown error' really means, 'sorry, we couldn't handle the glory of Jaden and the Buffy theme?'" Paper asked. "If @Beats1 hadn't crashed, we'd STILL be racking up some serious Buffy royalties!" Nerf Herder gleefully tweeted. "Thanks @officialjaden!" And Jaden doth respondeth: "Buffy Is Life, Thank You Guys." NOW THAT WE THINK ABOUT IT... It's been way too long since we've perused young Jaden's Twitter for pearls of wisdom. To make up for it, here's a smattering of Jaden tweets from the past few months. (Best to read them while listening to the Buffy theme song.) "I Saw Owen Wilson One Time From A Distance And We Just Stared At Each Other, Then His Car Drove Off," (April 29, 2015); "I Would Like To Remind You Guys That I Designed My Very Own Musical App Platform And Released My Debut Album For Free" (April 21, 2015); "Omg I'm Bout To Tweet The Most Jaden Smith Thing Ever Ready?" (February 12, 2015), followed by "The More Time You Spend Awake The More Time You Spend Asleep." And finally, "All Of Your Idols Are Going To Start Writing Their Own Articles, And These Uninformed 'Journalists' Will Become Obsolete" (April 27, 2015). Wait... was that... was that last one about us? It has to be! EEEEEEEEE!
SATURDAY, JULY 4
Happy Fourth of July, everybody! While Hubby Kip's out in the driveway trying to blow his stupid fingers off, we're still delighted that on Tuesday, California Governor Jerry Brown signed into law a bill requiring public schoolchildren to be vaccinated. It was a major blow to the uninformed "anti-vaxxers" who have fought against one of the greatest scientific developments in history. Not everyone, of course, was happy. "The bill has seen heated opposition," CBC reported. "Similar legislation was dropped in Oregon earlier this year because opposition was so fierce." UGH. OREGON. You're better than this... right? MEANWHILE... Anti-vaxxer Jim Carrey, who is a medical doctor and brilliant scientis—wait, sorry. That was supposed to read "has-been comedian." Our mistake! Anyway, Carrey was quick to decry California's new law, first by accusing Brown of "poisoning more children," then by tweeting a picture of 14-year-old Alex Echols, who has autism, along with the words "TOXIN FREE VACCINES, A REASONABLE REQUEST." Only one problem: Carrey didn't have permission to post Echols' picture, and Echols' autism has "nothing to do with vaccination," as Think Progress pointed out. "In fact, Alex's condition is caused by tuberous sclerosis, a genetic condition." Whoopsie! "Jim Carrey has a huge platform—a huge following—and is misrepresenting my son's image by attaching it to his anti-vax rant," Echols' angry mother told BuzzFeed. Carrey promptly deleted the tweet and apologized for using Alex's image. He has yet to apologize for Dumb and Dumber To, or for being an ignorant jackass.
SUNDAY, JULY 5
Well, Hubby Kip is only "temporarily blinded" thanks to "putting a sparkler maybe a little too close" to his eye, so let's all count our blessings today. SUCH AS... According to reports, Tom Cruise may be leaving Scientology. What? Huh? Really? Hollywoodlife.com claims the new issue of Star will break the news! "The actor's alleged crisis of faith comes, apparently, after a phone call with his daughter Suri," Gawker gabs. "She was going on and on about her ballet class and how much she loves it. That's when Tom realized he's never seen her perform ballet and he started to tear up," an insider tells Star. "Tom has been under tremendous pressure where Suri and Katie [Holmes] are concerned because the church doesn't want him close to them. They can't stand that their own poster boy isn't raising his child in the church." MEANWHILE... "HOGWASH AND BALDERDASH!!!" screeched Emperor Klaktu, Warlord of Rigel VII and Scientology's official spokesalien! "Yet again, you uninformed 'journalists' get it all wrong! Tom leaving Scientology is impossible... nearly as impossible, in fact, as Agent Ethan Hunt's latest globe-spanning adventure in Mission: Impossible—Rogue Nation, starring Tom Cruise and opening at a theater near you on Friday, July 31!" Okay, Klaktu. That's not really what we ask—"ANN! Ann! When will you learn?" Emperor Klaktu bellowed, shaking his tentacles in rage. "I will not discuss specious rumors that the finest Scientologist of all is losing his faith! He isn't! But he is appearing in the nail-biting thrill ride that is Mission: Impossible—Rogue Nation, coming soon to a theater near—" Klaktu. Please stop interrupt—"THIS COLUMN IS NOTHING BUT LIES! LIES! LIES AND LIES AND MORE LIES!" Emperor Klaktu screamed. "I have spoken! I have no further comment! However, I do hope to see you, Ann, and all of your lovely readers, at the eagerly anticipated Mission: Impossible—Rogue Nation, in which the valiant Impossible Missions Force will face their greatest challenge yet and—" Okay. Klaktu. Just one question: Is the rumor about Tom wanting to see more of Suri true, at least? "Suri who?" Emperor Klaktu responded. "Sorry, never heard of her."