LEAH REMINI Infuriating Tom Cruise and Scientology's intergalactic war lords.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19

Someone might need to remind Gwyneth Paltrow that she isn't a doctor—unless they're now awarding doctorates in idiocy. As you know, Gwynnie has a well-documented past of pushing woo-woo healing methods on ladies of a certain income bracket (who buy superfluous and terribly expensive products on her website Goop), such as steaming your vagina, and claims that sitting in a sauna can cure the flu. (Note: Science called and said, "It doesn't.") Now Gwyneth's getting hammered again for posting a Goopy article about... how underwire bras cause cancer? The Goop post by Dr. Habib Sadeghi quoted a widely debunked book that claimed tight bras increase boob temperature (leading to hormone malfunction), and that the underwire found in certain bras magnify WiFi and cell phone signals, which can also cause breast cancer. (Let's pause for a moment to gather up our eyeballs, which rolled out of our head and underneath the couch.) Thankfully actual smart person, OB-GYN, and women's activist Dr. Jen Gunter tore this post a new b-hole, saying, "This stuff scares women. When people have cancer they desperately reap their past to try and come up with things they may have done, and so this kind of misinformation could cause women to stress and lose sleep and that is definitely bad for your health, never mind being cruel." So on behalf of all women, Gwynnie, please STFU. And we also won't be buying the $80 underwire bra you have for sale on Goop—unless maybe it actually does increase WiFi reception?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20

Star of films, the sitcom New Girl, and the annoying "feel of cotton" commercials, Zooey Deschanel often decries the "adorkable" label she's given by those in the press. AND YET? Guess what she named her new baby girl? "It's Elsie Otter," Deschanel told People magazine. "Like the animal." Yes, Zooey... we all know what otters are, AND YET AGAIN? She felt the need to elaborate on the definition of "otters" on the Today show. "[Otters are] very sweet and they're also smart. They use tools." Yes, Zooey! Otters are sweet, smart, and use tools. But does that mean we'd name our child "Elsie Chimpanzee"? NOOOOOO. How about instead of "adorkable," we call you simply "idiotical"? MEANWHILE... The father of recovering douchebag Justin Bieber really likes the size of his son's dick. A couple of weeks ago the internet lost their damn mind over some unscripted pics of Bieber's wiener that were taken while the singer was skinny-dipping in Bora Bora. And how did Justin's tattooed d-bag dad respond on Twitter to the sight of his son's junk? "@justinbieber what do you feed that thing? #proud daddy." Is it just us, or do you need to make an emergency call to your therapist right now?

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21

In "Fuck YEAH" news, actress and personal hero Jennifer Lawrence recently penned an essay about wage inequality in Hollywood and how she and Amy Adams were paid significantly less than their male co-stars in the movie American Hustler. It's caused a huge (and much-needed) ruckus in Tinselturd, and even inspired castmate Bradley Cooper to say, in the future, he'd team up with female co-stars to demand equity. UNFORTUNATELY, another American Hustler coworker isn't being so charitable. Actor Jeremy Renner, while agreeing that women should be paid the same as men, refused to do anything else about it, telling the Business Insider, "That's not my job." Because, you know, he's just an actor, right? Well, Jeremy... actors don't act in a vacuum. They have other actors alongside them who are working to make them look good. So maybe showing those fellow actors a bit of support wouldn't kill you? Here's how Jeremy responded to such questions from the public on Twitter: "SHOW me what you do, I'll stand by your side, only TALK about want [sic] you do, I can only listen. #actions #talkischeap #LoveWins." Ohhkaaaay... and HUH? America, we think we've found your new Charlie Sheen and his name is Jeremy Renner. #TigerBlood

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22

Today in Taylor Swift news: According to an interview with Rolling Stone, the Weeknd (the annoying moniker of singer Abel Makkonen Tesfaye, whose hairstyle resembles an exploding artichoke) had an interesting run-in with TSwift, in which she went on and on about how much she loved the Weeknd's music—which would've been very nice... except for one thing. "The whole time she was talking," the Weeknd remembered, "she was kind of, like, petting my hair? I think she was just drawn to it—she must have [had] a few drinks. But when she started petting my hair, that's when I was like, 'I definitely need a drink.'" And just so we're all on the same page, the Weeknd is of Ethiopian decent... which means apparently Taylor didn't get the memo about how white people touching a person of color's hair is strictly verboten? (Oh great, now we've done it. Taylor's gonna write a revenge song about us in three... two... one....)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23

Just in case you needed further proof that celebrity publicists are lying pieces of crap, there's this story: Rihanna's former publicist, Jonathan Hay, is finally apologizing for starting a rumor back in 2005 that Jay-Z cheated on his wife Beyoncé with the singing starlet. Hay was forced to confess after being exposed in the biography Becoming Beyoncé: The Untold Story, which tells how his lie caused a huge rift between the high-powered married couple (and probably led to sister Solange's Great Elevator Freakout of 2014). "The PR stunt that I did was out of desperation to help break [Rihanna's song] 'Pon de Replay,'" Hay said in a statement. "It was reckless and I didn't think it was going to work. I was just throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what would stick." SHAME! SHAME, SHAME, SHAME ON YOU, SIR! Ugh! How dare you spread blatant lies about beloved celebrities, like you were some common gossip colum... errrrrrr. Ahem. Let's jump to the next story, shall we?

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24

Actress Leah Remini—who you remember as the hot wife to Kevin James' not-hot hubby in the sitcom The King of Queens—is coming clean on her Scientology past with her new book, Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology. Remini was involved with the crackpot church for 30 whopping years until she finally gave it up, and surprise! Her experiences with Scientology weren't all that positive! "As time goes on, you start to lose touch with the real world," Remini said to ABC News, before bringing up Scientology's most famous practitioner. "Being critical of Tom Cruise is being critical of Scientology itself... you are evil." Aaaand... wait. Shouldn't Emperor Klaktu, spokesalien for the Church of Scientology be popping in about now? "Yes! Yes! I'm here!" Klaktu squealed via intergalactic holotube from his home planet of Rigel VII. "I was having trouble getting a WiFi signal. Now about this Leah Remini person... HOGWASH AND BALDERDASH! This woman is a traitor to the church, Tom Cruise, and to Thetans everywhere! She's also a lying LIAR, and I know for a FACT she carried on a secret affair with rapper Jay-Z, and...." Waitasecond! She did not! "Okay, fine, Ann. You got me. I don't why I said that... I guess I was just throwing Regulian Wartbeast entrails at the wall to see if they'd stick."

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25

While most Hollyweird celebs are greedy pieces of trash, there's also former popular musician Gavin Rossdale (of the band Bush) who recently split with still popular—and rich!—wife Gwen Stefani. Details of their divorce indicate that when the couple married, neither signed a pre-nup. (Uh-oh! Bad move, kids. Our pre-nup with Hubby Kip is longer than a Kanye West concert rant.) However, while Gavin could've taken half the farm in the divorce, according to TMZ, the singer agreed to take "far less" than the 50 percent he could've received. True, rumors have it that Rossdale's wild and roving penis caused the divorce in the first place, but his willingness not to bleed his wealthy, bread-earning ex-wife dry is heartening. IN A RELATED STORY... Gavin and Gwen will share joint custody of their children, Kingston, Zuma, and Apollo. (Maybe they can have regular play dates with Zooey Deschanel's kid Elsie Otter... so they won't feel so STUPID.)