MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23
Okay, okay, after years of Justin Bieber being a remorseless little prick, he's turned over a new leaf, has a great new album, and you're all ready to forgive and forget. BUT BE CAREFUL, SWEET PETS. The evil within this young man runs deep, and will find its way out in subtle ways... for example? Trolling Nirvana fans. L'il Biebles attended the American Music Awards yesterday wearing a Nirvana T-shirt, and fans of the former grunge band lost their damn minds in no uncertain terms. "Kurt Cobain rolled over in his grave when Justin Bieber showed up wearing a Nirvana shirt," wrote one outraged Twatter user (who seems to have uncommon access to Cobain's final resting place). Meanwhile another yelped, "Justin Bieber doesn't have the right to wear a Nirvana shirt." (That could be true... we're not well versed in the Canadian constitution.) However, while aging Nirvana fans may have been rending their flannel garments in apoplexy, Cobain's former wife Courtney Love had a very different Twatter response: "You're cool in my book @ justinbieber xc." Wait... is this the same Courtney Love who once claimed that the memory of Cobain had been "raped" when The Muppets movie used Nirvana's hit song, "Smells Like Teen Spirit"? Apparently there's a new, less strident Courtney Love walking the earth—orrrrr maybe she's just counting the days until she regains the rights to Kurt's name and likeness (from its current owner, daughter Frances Bean Cobain) and starts selling Nirvana T-shirts on the side? Just an idea, but if she sold a T-shirt that pictured Suri Cruise wearing a Justin Bieber shirt with Kurt Cobain on it, she would literally drown in money.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24
Let's check in on what ignorant things Donald Trump has been saying, okay? (Reaches into a very deep bag which has "Donald Trump's Ignorant Quotes" stenciled on the side.) Here's one! Asked in an interview with ABC News if he was in favor of employing harsher interrogation techniques with terrorism suspects, Trump said, "I would bring [waterboarding] back. I think waterboarding is peanuts compared to what they'd do to us, what they're doing to us, what they did to James Foley when they chopped off his head." Okaaay... first things first: Waterboarding—or the near-drowning of a suspect to gain information—is against the law, and has been since 2009. So what we're talking about here is a presidential candidate who's okay with American citizens breaking the law. (Good to know!) Secondly, comparing waterboarding to getting one's head chopped off is kind of a false equivalency, since the supposed purpose of waterboarding is to extract information. After all, when one's head is chopped off, one isn't likely to suddenly scream, "Okay, okay! I'll give you the information! Donald Trump was actually born in Kenya!"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25
Today in "Yet Another Person Who Doesn't Understand How Social Media Works": Late yesterday, Portland police officer John Hurlman—who has been with the bureau for 24 years—was taken off the street and assigned to desk duty for posting a rather offensive tweet. "Black Lives Matter is planning to protest at Lloyd Center on black Friday," he twattered. "Oh joy, stuck late again at work to babysit these fools." Okay, so this is offensive for all the obvious reasons—including calling individuals "fools" for simply asking racist cops to stop profiling and shooting people. (Also, since when do cops hate getting overtime pay?) But it's also disturbing that someone who is smart enough to be a cop isn't intelligent enough to know that when you tweet something, EVERYONE CAN READ IT. So maybe it's in one's best interest to think twice before tweeting the very first thing that comes to mind? (Especially food tweets. Whether you're a cop or not, no one cares what you had for lunch! EVER.)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26
Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Here's what we're grateful for: A long semi-enjoyable marriage to our Hubby Kip, who isn't perfect, but... well, let's just leave it at that. So what's the key to a successful long marriage? That very question was asked by Entertainment Tonight of Will Smith, who's been married to Jada Pinkett Smith for 20 years. And here's what he actually said: "Really at the end of the day it's just not quitting. Our marriage was the most difficult, grueling, excruciating thing that we have ever taken on in our lives." And that's why we stay married to Hubby Kip—because while it is absolutely difficult and grueling, at least it's not excruciating like Will and Jada's marriage. (But then again? The day's still young.)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27
Usually, today's set aside for Black Friday—Americans' annual orgy of spending and stampeding. But today was marked by a different kind of American event: a shooting at a Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs, Colorado. As the New York Times reports, Robert L. Dear, a 57-year-old "heavily bearded man with a rifle" killed three and wounded nine. "He was focused on the medical clinic," the Times reports, "but was indiscriminate with his targets" at what was "a busy workday at the clinic, with 30 people signed up for appointments and many more walking in to pick up prescriptions or get health screenings." After Dear was arrested, a senior law enforcement official noted he explained his rampage with four words: "no more baby parts." "This is a reference to the false charge that Planned Parenthood has illegally trafficked in the sale of fetal organs—and that is the mildest way of framing the allegations that anyone listening to a Republican debate or rally would likely have heard," wrote Amy Davidson in The New Yorker. "The loudness of the slurs against the organization is in telling contrast to the cautious silence that descended when it became a target of gun violence." In a state where mass shootings are commonplace—and with an issue as polarizing as abortion—it's hard to know how to even begin to make sense of today's events. A good way to start, though, is by taking out your debit card and going to plannedparenthood.com/donate.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28
In news that's much less horrible, obnoxious Full House-brat-turned-obnoxious-fashionista Mary-Kate Olsen, 29, has married her 46-year-old French banker BF, Olivier Sarkozy, in what Page Six reports was "an intimate Manhattan ceremony." Zzzzzzzzzzz, right? Well, wait—because you haven't heard about the hors d'oeuvres! They consisted of "bowls and bowls filled with cigarettes, and everyone smoked the whole night." We don't have a joke for this one, we just think it's weird that Mary-Kate's wedding table has the same aperitifs as the ashtray in our high-school boyfriend's Camaro. (Hi Glen!)
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29
"I have a very normal life," Katie Holmes said in a recent interview with Ocean Drive. "Daily life, I take a train and a cab; it's just about getting from here to there, and I don't care how I do it. I have to get there." While Holmes mostly wanted to talk about public transportation, she also noted how she doesn't "regret anything that I've done... I've learned from everything and everything sort of leads you to the next place." (Just like the bus!) Presumably, that last bit was in reference to her marriage to charismatic movie star/diminutive Scientology overlord Tom Cruise, but don't worry—we will not be asking Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, Scientology's chief spokesalien, for his commentary. Truth is, dears, we've been asking Klaktu for a lot of quotes lately, and he always kind of says the same thing, and we think it'd be better for both us and all of you, our wonderful and attractive readers, if we gave it a break for a little whi—"GIBBERISH AND BALDERDASH!" Emperor Klaktu interrupted via intergalactic holochat. "Ann, you know I'm the only sentient being in your pathetic little galaxy who has the experience to comment—and if you think that traitorous little hussy Katie can get away saying she doesn't regret breaking Tom's heart and doesn't mind taking the train, I've got a Gralbanthian slime demon I'd like to introduce you to!" Sigh. Okay, Klaktu. Go ahead. "Thank you, Ann. Now, as I was saying, Katie Holmes is a liar who cannot be trusted and who also betrayed the One True Church of the Milky Way's Beta Quadrant." Is that all, Klaktu? "Yes, yes, I decree that is all—ooh! Wait! No! Have you seen Jessica Jones on Netflix, Ann? Wow! So good! In fact, if you aren't busy later, maybe you could come over and...." IN RELATED NEWS... Yep, that's the last we'll be hearing from him for a while. How does one block a holochat number?