MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15
"I'M SO HYPE RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED ...HAVE Y'ALL EVER SEEN TRON? THE END OF THE TRON WHERE EVERYTHING LIGHT UP!!!" Surprise! That was Kanye West on Twitter Saturday night, talking about... well, who knows? It was just the most recent in a never-ending parade of weirdo public ejaculations, which includes claiming to be $53 million in debt. This begs the question: Why is Kanye trolling his fans in such a bizarre manner? Sure, sure... it's best not to peer too deeply into the Kanye West abyss. But at least now we know he loves Tron! MEANWHILE... Wait, what's that screaming and crashing sound? Oh, it's just Kanye again... this time throwing a huge hissy fit backstage at Saturday Night Live, and threatening to walk off the show. According to Page Six, Kanye was fah-urious over changes being made to the stage flooring (which apparently clashed with the show's lighting), thereby ruining his artistic statement. According to an audiotape of his freakout, Kanye was heard screaming at the production staff, "Are they fucking crazy? Whoa, by 50 percent [I am more influential than] Stanley Kubrick, Picasso, Apostle Paul, fuckin' Picasso, and [Pablo] Escobar. By 50 percent more influential than any other human being. Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me." While SNL producer Lorne Michaels was reportedly "eerily calm" during the rant (this was probably not his first trip to the Kanye rodeo), other witnesses were scared shitless. One backstage source said, "It was like he was having an emotional breakdown. The only thing that stopped him from actually leaving right then was that nobody had access to the freight elevator." Hahahahaaa! Make note, people who work with Kanye: locked freight elevators are like Yeezy kryptonite.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16
The most superfluous and snoozy of all music award shows, the Grammys, went down last night—but at least it supplied a modicum of juicy gossip! Angelic crooner and patron saint to mothers-in-law everywhere Adele performed her hit single "All I Ask," and... well... it was kind of a hot mess. She was thrown off-key thanks to a weird strumming sound at the top of the song, which many were quick to blame on Justin Bieber who apparently was warming up backstage at the time. "HANG HIM! HANG HIM! HANG HIM BY HIS MARBLE-SIZED TESTICLES!" screamed mothers-in-law everywhere. Unfortunately it was not his fault—at least according to a follow-up tweet from Adele. "The piano mics fell onto the piano strings, that's what the guitar sound was," Adele wrote. "It made it sound out of tune. Shit happens." Okay fine, but... oh screw it. Let's hang Justin Bieber up by his testicles anyway!! MEANWHILE... There was also a surprise Grammy no-show during the ceremony. Rihanna, who was scheduled to sing "Kiss It Better," suddenly disappeared, blaming her last-minute absence on bronchitis. According to TMZ, however, backstage sources heard Ri-Ri pitching a shit-fit over technical issues at rehearsal, just before storming out. "Sounds like someone's suffering from an advanced case of Kanye-itis," said a totally real doctor that we just made up on the spot.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17
For a lengthy article about the journalistic (?) practices of TMZ, The New Yorker interviewed Alec Baldwin about the gossip site publishing a voicemail where the actor called his 11-year-old daughter "a thoughtless little pig." That was in 2007—let's see if he's still mad about it. "There was a time," Alec said, "when my greatest wish was to stab [TMZ founder] Harvey Levin with a rusty implement and watch his entrails go running down my forearm, in some Macbethian stance. I wanted him to die in my arms, while looking into my eyes, and I wanted to say to him, 'Oh, Harvey, you thoughtless little pig.' He is a festering boil on the anus of American media." Yep, still sounds mad. We'll check back in another 50 years or so.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18
Today Pope Francis suggested that Donald Trump's claim to Christianity might be a load of dog shit (our words, not his), due to the candidate's racist, xenophobic policies toward immigration. Unsurprisingly, Donald gave a typically stupid reply. "If and when the Vatican is attacked by ISIS, which as everyone knows is ISIS' ultimate trophy," the Donald wrote, "I can promise you that the pope would have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been president because this would not have happened." Reached for response, God said, "Umm... the only people praying for a Donald Trump presidency so far is ISIS—and I'm pretty sure they weren't talking to me."
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19
We won't admit this often, dears, but yes, okay,fine: Sometimes we're possibly a little too mean to some celebrities. Does Gwyneth Paltrow really deserve the 4,290 jokes we've made at her expense over the years? Does Tom Cruise really deserve to cry himself to sleep every night after reading our column? Regardless, there's one person we'll never feel bad about making fun of: Adolf Hitler. Especially when the Sun is printing headlines like this one: "Medical Records Reveal Nazi Leader Adolf Hitler Had a Deformed Micro-Penis." What! "Historians have revealed Hitler suffered from an embarrassing condition that may be able to explain both his rage and his lack of sex life during his 56 years," the Sun notes. After pointing out that Hitler had one undescended testicle, the Sun adds that "the warmonger's genitalia may have been more deformed than first thought"—citing "new records" that reveal Hitler had hyposadias, "which can leave the sufferer with a 'micro-penis.' Hypospadias sufferers may be forced to urinate out of a small hole at the base, or shaft of the penis, rather than at the tip." Hmm. You know, dears, now that we've typed that out (and slathered both our hands and our keyboard with Purell), we're not quite sure where, exactly, we were going with that? Honestly, we probably just wanted an excuse to make the Mercury print the words "deformed micro-penis" in the same paragraph as the words "Tom Cruise."
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20
"Jeb Bush dropped out of the presidential race on Saturday, ending a quest for the White House that started with a war chest of $100 million, a famous name, and a promise of political civility but concluded with a humbling recognition: In 2016, none of it mattered." Thus spake the New York Times following Jeb's decision to leave the race after Donald Trump handily won South Carolina's primary. While the awkward, bland Bush was hardly a perfect candidate (and while his brother was, you know, a war criminal), compared with the racist, childish Trump, the Bible-thumpin' Ted Cruz, and creepy robot Marco Rubio, stammering ol' Jeb almost seemed halfway sane. With Bush leaving the race, the rightward drift of the GOP—and the potential for the clueless, panicked party to nominate a candidate who's truly frightening—continues apace. Quickly, dears! To Canada! MEANWHILE... Jason Dalton, 45, an Uber driver in Kalamazoo, Michigan, was arrested today after going on an apparently random shooting spree, killing six people at multiple locations—and reportedly ferrying Uber customers between the shootings. If only there were some way to prevent mass shootings from happening in America all the time. But there isn't! If there were, we'd have done it by now, right? Yes, yes. Of course we would have. Moving on.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21
"Tik Tok" singer Kesha has found herself caught in a horrible situation: After accusing her longtime producer Dr. Luke of abuse and sexual assault, Kesha had hoped to be released from her contract with Sony that binds her to work with him. Yet after examining the contracts—which she noted were "heavily negotiated and typical for the industry"—a judge declined her request. "Kesha reacted with sobs," noted E! Online. "She exited the courtroom looking somber, wearing sunglasses, and greeted dozens of supporters who held a protest for her." "She's trapped: Kesha told the judge she fears for her well-being if she must continue working with a fucking predator, but if she chooses to work with a different producer, Sony likely won't promote her music," wrote Mercury Music Editor Ciara Dolan. "Kesha is now being forced to choose between her career and her emotional/physical health.... We live in a world where money and contracts are more important in a court of law than the well-being of women." There is, thankfully, one bright bit in all this ugliness: "In a show of support, Taylor Swift has donated $250,000 to Kesha to help with any of her financial needs during this trying time," Swift's spokesperson told E! And, E! adds, "Kelly Clarkson, Ariana Grande, Lorde, and Demi Lovato sent positive wishes to the singer on social media. Lady Gaga even commended her 'bravery' as the trial plays out in the public eye." So... Sony. Your move. (And everybody else? A friendly reminder: Never trust anyone who calls themselves Dr. Luke.)
- KESHA Kesha's trapped, and it's Taylor Swift to the rescue!
- POPE FRANCIS Pope vs. Trump (Or, the deluded vs. the delusional).