One Day at a Time 

The Week in Review

oneday-3-570x300.jpg

MONDAY, APRIL 5 Another week, another opportunity to chronicle the continuing public humiliation of Sandra Bullock, sooo... LET'S GO TO PRESS! First of all, it should be noted that we had NO INTENTION of mentioning the ghastly rumor swirling around the internet about a nasty Sandra Bullock/Jesse James sex tape. However, since Sandy chose to issue an angry press release vehemently denying the existence of such a tape, instead of simply ignoring it, what are we to do? Our hands are tied—and according to those who saw the alleged sex tape, so were Sandy's. (Ka-zing!) The rumored tape is also said to include some "poop play" (ack!) and other things too gruesome to mention here. Regardless, Sandy says there's no such tape and we're inclined to believe her. On the other hand, Radar Online is reporting that Jesse has made "more than a dozen sex tapes" starring himself and his other mistresses, which wouldn't surprise us one bit. According to a source who allegedly viewed one of the tapes, "What I saw was a naked woman on her knees and Jesse in a Nazi hat waving his arm in a salute." UGH! Again? Where are the "Inglourious Basterds" when you need 'em? MEANWHILE... In more scoopage from Radar, Jesse stands accused of spending "several hundred thousand dollars" on his tattooed skanks, including flying them around on private jets. One source says he was on such a jet with Jesse and one of his strippers, when the two "got comfortable at the back of the plane... they were definitely having sex and didn't care who saw or heard them." (Brrrrr. We shall never complain about flying coach again.)

TUESDAY, APRIL 6 As you undoubtedly know, harpy mom Kate Gosselin (formerly of Jon & Kate Plus Eight) continues to ruin this season of Dancing with the Stars with her clubfooted attempts at dancing—however, since America loves a trainwreck, the nation has thus far refused to vote her off! (We're masochistic like that.) Meanwhile, ex-hubby Jon Gosselin continues his spiral into desperate irrelevance by planning to sue Kate for primary custody of the eight children—allegedly because she's spending too much time on Dancing with the Stars. But here's the ironic part: Jon admits that he's been voting to keep Kate on the show, so she'll continue to be away from the children, and therefore increase his chances of winning custody. Okay, maybe it's not so much "ironic" as it is "nauseating." MEANWHILE... As proof that the world of disgusting celebrities is way too small, douchebag Michael Lohan (papa to Lindsay) is engaged to marry ex-Star tabloid reporter Kate Major, who you'll remember as the gal screwing Jon Gosselin right after his initial breakup with wifey Kate. When told of this situation, Lindsay Lohan told Us magazine, "I'm gonna vomit! I so didn't need that info... YUCK!" For once, Lindsay, we are in complete agreement.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7 In more news of the "YUCK!" there's a brand-new mistress in the never-ending Tiger Woods scandal—and this time, she's not a pancake waitress! Meet Raychel Coudriet, the 22-year-old next-door-neighbor's daughter. According to Raychel, her one-time fling left her "shaken and humiliated," and later, infuriated after finding out that she was just another cog in Tiger's continuing skank machine. Raychel told the National Enquirer that Tiger seduced her within sight of his family, joking she could "clean his golf balls." (GACK. We hate him so much!) However, Raychel says she let her infatuation get the best of her, and soon enough, they were boning on the golf star's couch next to the children's crib. And according to her pals, Raychel said Tiger refused to wear a condom and that the sex was "mechanical and unemotional." Now that's just sad. If one is going to bone a celebrity, it should at least be exciting. (And NO, Tiger, this does NOT give you permission to wear a Nazi hat!)

THURSDAY, APRIL 8 Today actor Jim Carrey and longtime gal pal Jenny McCarthy announced they are spitting up—via Twatter! (Because does one really need more than 140 characters to say, "Jim Carrey is annoying"?) IN OTHER TWATTER NEWS... Remember Brandon Davis? No? The tubby, greasy hanger-on who achieved fame by calling Lindsay Lohan "fire crotch"? That's him! Well, today he's insulted yet another falling celeb: ex-girlfriend and former star of The O.C. Mischa Barton. After seeing her at a party in LA, Brandon twatted, "Omg. Just realized my ex turned in to 1 of the fattest people in the planet. I'm gonna start dating plus size models. NOT! Mischa the Hefer." Hmmm... where shall we start: (1) It should be "fattest people ON the planet" not "in the planet." (2) While Mischa may no longer weigh 90 pounds, weighing 114 pounds does not make her a "hefer." And (3) Anyone who uses the phrase "NOT!" in such a sarcastic early-'90s manner deserves to get leukemia and die.

FRIDAY, APRIL 9 As mentioned yesterday, Jim Carrey—a man who most of you had forgotten even existed—is twatting up a storm. Now he's weighing in on the Tiger scandal! "No wife is blind enough to miss that much infidelity. Elin had 2 b a willing participant on the ride 4 whatever reason. kids/lifestyle ;^)", Carrey twatted this week. Ace also busted out some philosophy, with gems like "Flowers don't worry about how they're going to bloom.They just open up, and turn toward the light and that makes them beautiful :^)," "Whenever we form a consensus about some1 we envy, who's stumbling, our collective ego LOVES to flex it's unified muscle. S'ugly! }%^O," and "b tru 2 u. }{;O[] <--- my emoticlown!" Okay... Jim Carrey either needs to STOP, or design an emoticon of us shooting our face off.

SATURDAY, APRIL 10 Kitty Kelley's unauthorized bio of Oprah Winfrey offers plenty of sordid info on the TV star's personal life, but one bombshell simply cannot be ignored: "The talk show queen enjoyed a 1970s romance with an unlikely live-in lover: John Tesh," says the New York Daily News, which got an early look at Kelley's upcoming book. "The towering six-foot-six Tesh and a barely out-of-her-teens Winfrey shared her Nashville apartment until he bolted in the middle of the night," apparently because the "'social pressure' on an interracial couple in Tennessee at the time proved too much for Tesh to handle." We know it's been said many times before, but... John Tesh: What a fucking sissy.

SUNDAY, APRIL 11 So... Catholicism, right? The church is facing difficult times, and now two famed atheists—authors Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens—are looking into what it would take to get Pope Benedict XVI to "face criminal proceedings," according to the Telegraph! "This is a man whose first instinct when his priests are caught with their pants down is to cover up the scandal and damn the young victims to silence," Dawkins said. "This man is not above or outside the law. The institutionalized concealment of child rape is a crime under any law and demands not private ceremonies of repentance or church-funded payoffs but justice and punishment." MEANWHILE... Instead of answering charges of child molestation, the Vatican took the bold step today of using its newspaper L'Osservatore Romano to "finally [make] peace with the Beatles," who the church admonished like 9,000 years ago. IN A RELATED STORY... Pope Benedict XVI has invited all young men between the ages of five and 12 to come to the church's exciting new "Beatles Appreciation Society"! Meetings will be held every Tuesday and Thursday from 3 to 5 pm in the janitor's closet beneath Vatican City. But remember the first rule of Beatles Appreciation Society: Don't tell your parents about Beatles Appreciation Society. Refreshments will be served.

Comments (2)

Showing 1-2 of 2

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-2 of 2

Comments are closed.

From the Archives

More by Ann Romano

Most Commented On

Top Viewed Stories

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy