MONDAY, APRIL 12 Ready for an absolutely filthy week of disgusting gossipy garbage? Then put on that fitted hazmat suit from Ann Taylor Loft, and let's get DIRTY. As you know, 2010 is shaping up to be the "Year of the Sex-Addicted Celeb," and guess who just joined the ranks? Action/martial arts star Steven Seagal! Today a lawsuit was filed by Kayden Nguyen—a former assistant to Seagal—who is suing her erstwhile boss for sexual harassment, wrongful termination, and... wait for it... "illegal trafficking of females for sex." Whaaaaa?? Here are the sordid accusations (which by the way, the Seagal camp ferociously denies): Nguyen's lawsuit claims that on the first night of her employment Seagal "pushed his hands under her shirt, and attempted to fondle her bare breasts" as well as "forcing his hands down her pants between her bare buttocks." He then allegedly told her to "Relax... we won't do anything special tonight." EWW! We bet he was planning on using his ponytail for gross Avatar sex! AND YES, IT GETS WORSE. The lawsuit also claims that Seagal kept two young Russian girls on staff "who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, seven days a week." (Wait... Russians? Damn you, NAFTA!) And perhaps most disturbing of all, as proof of her accusations, Nguyen claims she can identify "a unique physiological reaction" that Seagal has when sexually aroused—though she annoyingly fails to mention exactly what this "reaction" is. Does he break out in hives? Emit gas? Humps the air like a dog? The mind boggles with possibilities! Does he produce an Asian-inspired energy drink? WHAT???
TUESDAY, APRIL 13 And now an "Inside Sandra Bullock's Heartbreak" Update! Apparent Nazi sympathizer/tattooed skank Michelle "Bombshell" McGee has publicly apologized to Sandy for boning her horrible hubby Jesse James—though she still refuses to accept any real responsibility. In an interview on an Australian TV show no one has ever heard of or watched, Michelle said, "Sandra, I'm sorry for your embarrassment. I'm sorry all this is public. I'm sorry for everything." Which is to say she's sorry for everything, especially since none of it is her fault. "I feel like I was duped just as much as Sandra was," Michelle continued. "If Jesse was upfront with me in the beginning [and hadn't lied about his relationship status], we wouldn't be in this situation." It also wouldn't have hurt if Michelle knew how to read (especially the extensive media coverage regarding Sandra and Jesse's marriage), and wasn't such a bad fucking liar. That would've helped, too. MEANWHILE... More potential dirt from unofficial Oprah biographer Kitty Kelley, whose tattletale book promises to shed new light on the daytime talk queen's squeaky reputation. As reported last week, Oprah once slept with John Tesh. Eww, but okay. This week, Kelley alleges that while she considers O to be "asexual," the talk show host has had numerous lesbian dalliances, which includes giving a one-carat diamond toe ring to news anchor Diane Sawyer. Reached for comment, a heartbroken John Tesh said, "What? Bitch never gave me a diamond toe ring. (Sob!) Did our love mean nothing to you, Oprah??"
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14 Talk show host Larry King, 76, has once again filed for divorce (collect all seven!) from his 50-year-old wifey Shawn Southwick after allegations arose that he was sleeping with his wife's 46-year-old sister Shannon Engemann. Please let us die before we get old.
THURSDAY, APRIL 15 If there is a god, thank you for putting actor Charlie Sheen on this earth for us to ridicule. Though Charlie Boy has sworn up and down he's off the hookers and the coke, Radar Online has sources who say he's fallen off the skank/drugs wagon, while In Touch is reporting that Sheen was caught leaving the apartment of alleged mistress Angelina Tracy, "wearing a hooded sweatshirt, dark sunglasses, and a fake Magnum P.I.-style mustache." However, this completely dumb and unsuccessful disguise was NOT intended to fool the paparazzi! When asked about the getup, Sheen's rep said he was merely "helping a fellow 12-stepper [Angelina] in need," and since "Sheen knew he was being followed and how this would look, he wore the mustache in a tongue-in-cheek disguise gesture." Yeahhhh... we're pretty sure that's a lie. And Sheen would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for that meddling herpes sore!
FRIDAY, APRIL 16 FINALLY, former Lost Boy/current Jack Bauer Kiefer Sutherland is back to his hard-partying ways! Showing goody-two-shoes "celebrities" (like that little twerp Justin Bieber) how it's done, yesterday at 4 am a "drunk, disorderly, and shirtless" Sutherland was chucked out the back door of London's Stringfellow's Gentlemen's Club "by four tuxedo-clad bouncers, one of whom had him in a headlock," according to the New York Post. The Post adds, "He was shoved into the backseat of a car and brought back to his hotel, where staff helped him to his room." Don't let those naggy killjoys at the Post get to you, Kief. We've been in exactly that position before, and we can assure you that despite getting 86'ed once, the blokes at Stringfellow's are rather amiable to giving lads (and lasses) a second chance. Or a third. Or a fourth.
SATURDAY, APRIL 17 And Lindsay Lohan's never-ending downward spiral somehow continues! "Lindsay owes credit cards $600,000," a source gabs to Radar Online. "One card cut her off last week and it's only a matter of time before all her other credit cards cut her off too." The problem? Due to LiLo's hijinks, she can't get hired for movies anymore—and while she used to make cash by appearing at clubs, those "invites are becoming sparse, and the starlet gets only from $5,000 to $10,000 at most." Thankfully, Loveline's Dr. Drew Pinsky has just the prescription! "If she were my daughter, I would pack her car full with illegal substances, send her on her way, call the police, and make sure she was arrested," Dr. Drew told Radar. "I would make sure she was not allowed to get out of jail. I would then go to the judge and make sure she was ordered to a minimum of a three-year sobriety program." Hmm. Much as we hate to make Dr. Drew any more sanctimonious than he's already become, that might be a pretty good idea! It's like the essay we wrote in college that made us realize pre-law might be the wrong career choice for us: "Entrapment, shmentrapment!"
SUNDAY, APRIL 18 WARNING: Bieber Fever has spread to Canada. The viciously infectious contagion has reached the north's snowy tundras, where—ironically—Bieber Fever was first discovered. (When warned by Canadian scientists of the terrifying early indications of Bieber Fever, the CDC did too little, too late—hence the terrifying current state of affairs.) Today, the 16-year-old Canadian pop sensation appeared at something called the "Juno Awards," which celebrate not Ellen Page but rather Canadians' various ill-fated attempts to make music. PopEater.com has the worrisome details: "The Bieber phenomenon ruled everywhere from the red carpet, where girls scrawled 'Marry Me Justin Bieber' on their tank tops and hollered for hours on end, to rapper Classified's show-opening performance, which included changing up his song 'Oh Canada' to rhyme 'Justin Bieber' with the phrase 'we love our beaver.'" (Ugh.—Ann) With his creepy face now gazing from every magazine in existence and people twatting about him one billion times per minute, the CDC estimates 97.35 percent of the population has succumbed to Bieber Fever—a number that's sure to grow as Bieber's tween minions continue to spread Biebes wherever they go. Tips for avoiding Bieber Fever include sealing one's windows with plastic sheeting and duct tape, drinking only from bottled and/or purified water sources, and not reading this week's installment of One Day at a Time.