MONDAY, NOVEMBER 1 In an oh-so-shocking-but-really-we're-being-sarcastic turn of events, Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller are getting a divorce! Brooke, how could you? And don't tell me this is about Charlie's minor "coke-fueled rampage in the Plaza Hotel" incident last week. Look, Brooke! A lot of marriages go through tough times, and yes, occasionally that involves a traumatized naked hooker locked in a closet. And yes, it also might include your husband being found naked in a restaurant bathroom with his face covered in cocaine. And sometimes it means shaking your husband awake because he fell asleep while watching the football game, even though you told him THREE TIMES to fix that leaky pipe in the basement sink, and now your favorite cashmere sweater—the one with the adorable inlaid pearl buttons from Ann Taylor Loft—is ruined!! (Hubby Kip is this close to being traded in for Charlie Sheen.) MEANWHILE... Also getting a divorce? The mom and pop of Miley Cyrus! According to Us magazine, Billy Ray Cyrus had his achy-breaky heart broken after discovering that wifey Tish Cyrus was allegedly making canoodle with former Poison singer Bret Michaels! We think Bret denies the charges—though his multiple plastic surgery operations make it difficult to understand what he's saying. But again, we think you crazy kids need to work things out! As Bret used to sing, "Every rose has its thorn"—and while that may be true, Hubby Kip's "thorn" isn't coming anywhere near our "rose" until he fixes that blankety-blank sink!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Today was election day, or as the Tea Partiers like to call it, "Yeeee-haw! We gonna run them highfalutin guv'mint liberals out of office ('specially them black ones) and celebrate by makin' sweet love to a pig behind the barn" day. Okay, we'll admit that perhaps we're a bit hostile after hearing tonight's election results—especially since Republicans took back Congress with the aid of a bunch of hillbillies who hate Republicans but are too stupid to realize they were helping them. (OH, BITTER IRONY.) It also didn't help that President Obama—despite his numerous accomplishments—seemed utterly incapable of communicating these accomplishments to the American public, and the Democrats... well... they acted like hapless, do-nothing DEMOCRATS. And then there was young people's voter apathy—so when the Republicans drop in to take your health benefits away, we hope it was worth it to skip this election in favor of riding your skateboard to the 7-Eleven for a bag of CornNuts and a bottle of Malt Duck. ON THE UPSIDE? Delaware Senate wannabe, Tea Bagger, and former witch Christine O'Donnell LOST, LOST, LOST, HARDEE-HAR-HAR. In her concession speech, she thanked all of her supporters, but noted, "I gave up masturbating for this?"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3 But wait! Before you completely give up on the institution of marriage, there are some Hollyweird couples who have decided not to divorce! For example: Slash (former guitarist for Guns N' Roses, who did not sleep with Miley Cyrus' mom) is NOT getting a divorce from his wife, despite the all the crap she must endure for being married to Slash. And speaking of enduring quite a lot, Courteney Cox is NOT getting a divorce from her idiot husband David Arquette, even though he went on Howard Stern and totally slagged her sex skills. This is important, because we slag Hubby Kip's sex skills (and home improvement skills) on a nearly weekly basis, and while this is certainly not a cause for divorce, it should be considered as giving us implicit permission to sleep with George Clooney should the opportunity ever arise. MEANWHILE... It was reported today that during Halloween festivities last weekend, the racist "Indian warrior princess" costume Paris Hilton was wearing at a party suddenly filed for divorce and tried to leap off her body. The costume claimed "irreconcilable differences" as well as "crabs."
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 4 Also not divorcing (though they never were) is newly bankrupt and always disgusting faux-celebrity couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. According to Life & Style, the pair have been faking their divorce in an attempt to land a British reality show. When the show fell through, so did the divorce—and now penniless (and owing $2 million in taxes), the two are currently living in a studio apartment-sized guesthouse for free owned by Spencer's dad, who also buys them their groceries every week. IN A RELATED STORY: Ha. Ha. Ha.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5 Earlier this week, photos of Kanye West's penis hit the web; naturally, Kanye offered a measured, meaningful response. Ha! No! What we meant to say was that he's furious some sites censored the images (only showing the top part of the photo, and not, shall we say, Kanye's south), and he's pretty sure this all has something to do with the theory that aliens built the pyramids. "The media is scared of me. They're scared of a black man with this taste level," Kanye explained to DJ Funkmaster Flex on New York's Hot 97 radio station. "So what they do in order to take that power away? They try to turn me into a demon. And it's happened so many times throughout history. They knocked the nose off the Sphinx. They tried to tell you aliens built the pyramids... People need to understand, I'm not above the people. I'm of the people. I love the people." Contest time, One Day readers! The first person who can explain how the media is transforming Kanye into a demon by treating his penis like the nose of the Sphinx wins a free martini from yours truly—and two if they can explain how Bigfoot masterminded the whole thing. IN OTHER KANYE NEWS... Passengers on a Delta flight from Minneapolis to New York today were treated to an impromptu concert from Mr. West, who hijacked the plane's PA system. "He was like, 'Yo, this is your n***a Kanye," a passenger told Hollywoodlife.com. "Then he couldn't decide if he wanted to do 'The Good Life' or 'Gold Digger,' so he was like, 'I'll just do a little of both.' I still have no idea how he got into the cockpit." Since we're in the media, sir, we do—but since it involves the Illuminati, we'd have to kill you if we told you.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 6 "If a guy has one bad night, everybody goes insane and panics!" a bewildered Charlie Sheen told Extra in response to his recent cocaine freakouts with pornstars and hookers "bad nights." "I'm not panicking," Sheen continued, blowing off the fact that a $150,000 watch disappeared at one of his soirees: "The way I look at it, if you have expensive tastes, you gotta be prepared for expensive losses." Above: Exhibit A in the upcoming trial in the Hague regarding Sheen's various crimes against humanity. Exhibit A will be followed by harrowing testimony from those who have witnessed entire episodes of Two and a Half Men.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 7 Prepare yourselves, dears. Are you ready? No, you're not—no one ever can be—but let's just get to it anyway: "I never expected to see the remains of the fetus, which she had saved in a jar to bring to the hospital," George W. Bush writes in his new memoir Decision Points, recalling how, as a teenager, he took his mother Barbara to the doctor after she suffered a miscarriage. "She says to her teenage kid, 'Here's a fetus,'" Bush told Matt Lauer about the incident. "There's no question that it affected me." Hmm... you think?! The website the Daily Beast raised some key questions, including, "Who put the fetus in a jar? Where is it now? And why did Barbara decide to preserve her unborn child in a jar—and then show her son?" Good questions all, and we hope they're answered when Sarah Palin picks the Bush Fetus as her running mate in the 2012 election.