MONDAY, NOVEMBER 15 Anybody remember Rachel Uchitel? No? Best known as Tiger Woods' Mistress #1? Ahhhh, that's her! The 35-year-old Manhattan hostess talked to the Daily Mail this weekend in an apparent attempt to make sure we remember not to forget that she isn't a whore. "People have called me all sorts of names, but they don't know me," Rachel whined. "I'm not the same as the other girls." In particular, she's not the same as Woods' Mistress #2 Jaimee Grubbs, who, as Rachel put it, "the poor girl had a tooth missing." MEEE-OWW! Okay, so for those keeping score at home, Rachel's not a whore, but she is kind of a bitch. Oh, and she also added that she would've never entered into a doomed romance with Tiger Woods if her fiancé hadn't been killed in the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. So if you're out there, Osama bin Laden, you've got a lot of explaining to do! MEANWHILE... Failed political candidate Sarah Palin's new reality show debuted last night, and was accurately summed up by a teenager on Facebook named Tre who attended school with the Palin gals: "Sarah Palin's Alaska is failing so hard right now." Unjustifiably incensed, Palin's 16-year-old daughter Willow launched a grammatically challenged homophobic attack on Tre, replying, "Haha your so gay. I have no idea who you are. But what I've seen pictures of, your disgusting," afterward adding, "Tre stfu. Your such a faggot." After getting hammered for her poor choice of words, Willow quickly made amends: "Sorry that you guys are all jealous of my families success and you guys aren't goin to go anywhere with your lives." Well... we suppose that's something of an apology, right? (Note to Alaska Public Schools: You really need to step up your game.)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16 Headline of the Week (courtesy of Us magazine): "Kate Gosselin Makes Kids Eat Week-Old Sandwiches." A snoopy spy reportedly close to the Kate Plus Eight camp says that the reality harpy gets so furious when the kids refuse to eat their packed school lunches, she sends the unfinished sandwiches back with them the next day... and the next... and next if necessary. Why? Because she's GROSS. Also, "The kids are stubborn, so sometimes they have the same half-eaten sandwich in their lunch all week," says an equally grossed-out source. Kate's layabout ex-hubby Jon Gosselin also gagged, and according to a pal, told the kids, "If you lived with me, you wouldn't have to eat rotten food for lunch every day." Instead they'd have to endure a father who brings whores home for dinner and has a closet full of Ed Hardy clothing, so umm... NO THANKS. MEANWHILE... Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is NOT getting a divorce from jock hubby Tony Parker. According to Eva's publicist, there is no talk of divorce, and they do not even have a divorce lawyer. So, got that? NO... DIVORCE.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 17 Actress Eva Longoria is divorcing San Antonio Spur Tony Parker! Apparently, Eva was so pissed over Tony's extramarital shenanigans—she caught him sending hundreds of "sexts" to a mutual female friend—she filed divorce papers without even telling him. According to People magazine, the harlot in question is Erin Barry (wife of Tony's former teammate, Brent Barry) who swapped "sexts" with Tony for over a year until a heartbroken Eva discovered them. And while the couple had been planning a mutually agreed upon divorce and announcement, Eva decided that "revenge is a dish best served hot" and dropped the news on Tony and the world without any warning or prep time. (Unfortunately, she also neglected to tell her own publicist—see Tuesday's entry—who now looks like a total jackass. Ah, divorce... you always hurt the little people.)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18 In a move that should surprise no one, the wildly untalented Bristol Palin has shot past her far more accomplished competition to make it into next week's Dancing with the Stars finals. (For this you can thank the Tea Party, who has nothing better to do other than ruin elections.) Naturally, viewers are crying foul, and Bristol took time away from sucking on DWTS to address "the haters" on her Facebook page. "Thank you supporters who continue to support," she snipe-typed. "The haters are already pulling out all the stops this week to destroy." (Well, at least she didn't call us "faggots"!) Seriously, there's only one "hater" Bristol has to worry about: 67-year-old Steven Cowan of Wisconsin, who—according to the Smoking Gun—was so enraged by Bristol's lack of dancing ability, "he fired a shotgun round into his television, triggering a 15-hour standoff with the cops." We never thought we'd ever say this to an old drunk firing randomly with a shotgun—but you, sir, are our hero.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 19 Defying 10 million years of Catholic history, Pope Benedict XVI has publicly admitted condoms might not be forged by Satan himself deep in the fiery furnaces of Hell! Well... sort of. "The pope's statement on condoms was extremely limited," the New York Times writes, noting that Pope Benedict XVI's statement to an interviewer marked "the Vatican's first exception to a long-held policy banning contraceptives." "He did not approve their use or suggest that the Roman Catholic Church was beginning to back away from its prohibition of birth control," the Times cautioned. "In fact, the one example he cited as a possibly appropriate use was by male prostitutes." Well... good for gigolos, we guess? Alas, there's still no word on whether pedophile priests might be able to use protection while raping children.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20 Now that the TSA is insisting on groping anyone who doesn't want to climb into their creepy new full-body scanners, delightful holiday traveling anecdotes are pouring in—from the retiree whose urostomy bag was burst by a TSA agent, to the breast cancer survivor who was forced to remove her false breast to prove it wasn't a bomb, to the countless travelers who've found rubber-gloved fingers diddling around... you know... down there. It's been crummy for the unfortunate TSA agents, too, who're suffering verbal abuse from their gropees. "Even worse is having to try and feel inside the flab rolls of obese passengers," one TSA agent confessed to a travel blog. "We seem to get a lot of obese passengers." Happy holidays, America!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21 Pop quiz, dears! It's up to you to pick the Saddest Story of the Week™! OPTION ONE: "Afghan Hero Dog Is Euthanized by Mistake," reads the headline at the New York Times! "Target," a shepherd mix who—after helping scare away a suicide bomber in Afghanistan, saving a slew of lives—was brought to Arizona, adopted by an Army medic's family, and appeared on Oprah... escaped from her yard and was euthanized. "My four-year-old keeps saying: 'Dad- dy, bring Target home. Daddy, get the poison out,'" says the medic, Sergeant Terry Young. Commence crying... now. OPTION TWO: "Jessica Simpson Had to Buy Her Own Engagement Ring," reads the headline at What Would Tyler Durden Do? "No way could [fiancé] Eric [Johnson], who doesn't have a job at the moment, afford to purchase such an expensive ring," a "friend" of Jessica's tells Popeater about the $100,000 rock, which Simpson was showing off last week at... uh... a Dillard's in Kansas City. Nope. Nothing desperate about that, Jess. Commence crying... now—no, wait. Keep crying about Target, everybody. The dog one wins. (But barely. And if it comes out that Jessica's throwing her own bachelorette party, too, that might just push her into the lead.)