MONDAY, MARCH 21 Today in "This Will Not Happen... Because We Will Not Allow it to Happen": Radar Online is reporting that the top brass at CBS are simply desperate to bring deluded "winner" Charlie Sheen back into the fold, and resurrect the cash cow known as Two and a Half Men. "[CEO Les Moonves] is all for it," says a loose-lipped insider. "He believes that if CBS and Warner Bros. TV honchos can find a way to get [producer Chuck Lorre] and Charlie to speak again, cooler heads will prevail." OH, NO THEY WON'T! Because we will not ALLOW it! What Moonves needs to understand is that everything is just the way it's supposed to be. The abominably unfunny Two and a Half Men is (probably) dead forever, and Charlie Sheen is providing unintentionally hilarious entertainment as he—and his live-in porn stars—slowly disintegrates into anonymity. DO NOT GET IN HIS WAY, LES! We will NOT allow it, and... THIS JUST IN... Gossip site TMZ is reporting that Warner Bros., who both hired and fired Charlie, says there's no way in hell the actor will be returning to what's left of the show. SEE? We told you we wouldn't allow it, and thus, it has been officially dis-allowed! MEANWHILE... Oh brother, we're dis-allowing the crap out of this next story. According to People, actress Scarlett Johansson—recently dumped by Ryan Reynolds—has been spied at a West Hollywood restaurant canoodling with... urgh... Sean Penn! But not really, because WE WILL NOT ALLOW IT! "Scarlett and Sean sat very closely and exchanged flirty looks," says an eyewitness who apparently hasn't received the memo that we are not allowing this relationship. "Scarlett was very intrigued by him [Shut UP!—Ann]. She would smile and nod [We said, Shut UP!—Ann], and just listen to his stories [Shut-shut-shut your stupid face!—Ann]." Look, people! There is NO relationship between Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn, because our stomach—and the eggs benedict currently residing inside it—will... not... allow it!
TUESDAY, MARCH 22 For those of you who think rapper Chris Brown has suffered enough for beating the living daylights out of then-girlfriend Rihanna, and are willing to consider the notion that he's worked through his "anger issues"—well, you may want to think again. Chris appeared this morning on Good Morning America, and after host Robin Roberts quizzed him in regard to the merciless beating, the rapper huffed offstage, angrily confronted the show's producer, smashed a dressing room window with a chair, and ripped off his shirt while storming off down the street. Still furious, he blasted out the following Twatter: "I'm so over people bringing this past shit up!!! Yet we praise Charlie sheen and other celebs for there bullshit." First of all, it's "their," not "there." Secondly, no one praises Charlie Sheen—for anything. Thirdly, people might stop "bringing this past shit up" when you begin showing an ounce of remorse for your actions. And fourthly, we understand "rage." We feel it every time we try to open a bag of Kettle Chips.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23 Rest in peace, Dame Elizabeth Taylor, who passed away today from symptoms caused by congestive heart failure. Besides Taylor's lifelong string of classic films, she was also a stalwart defender of AIDS research until the end of her life, and will be remembered lovingly by all. Check her out in Mike Nichols' fantastic 1966 drama Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and watch a truly class act in all her ferocious glory.
THURSDAY, MARCH 24 Yay! It's a brand-new Hollyweird Twatter War™! Today's opponents: creepy un-funny man George Lopez and fallen TV star Kirstie Alley. After George insulted the actress on his late-night talk show by comparing the Dancing with the Stars contestant to a squealing pig with "her little hooves tapping away," Alley took the fight to Twatter, twattering, "Don't worry about George's comments. Just remember what happens to the big bad, drunk wolf... falls in a boiling pot of vodka. Piggy laughs." [In reference to Lopez's admitted drinking problems.] When Lopez attempted an apology, Alley rebuffed him again, firing back, "I don't need or want ur apology... I want your kidney dude... on behalf of ur X and all the women you've insulted... give it back." [In reference to Lopez getting a kidney from his wife of 17 years and then divorcing her.] Hooray for Kirstie—she won the battle (but as far as we're concerned, she can keep the kidney... uggh!).
FRIDAY, MARCH 25 "So many of the greatest people in showbiz are known by just their first name. Look at Oprah and Beyoncé. Now you can add Lindsay to that list," a friend of the Lohan family grandiosely promised to PopEater, backing up the claims from Lindsay Lohan's mom, Dina, that troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan will be changing her name. "Lindsay is dropping the 'Lohan' and just going by Lindsay. Plus, me and [Lindsay's unfamous sister] Ali will be officially changing our last names back to my maiden name, Sullivan," Dina proclaimed, as if anyone cared what she and Ali were doing. IN RELATED NEWS... Everyone else on the planet who's named "Lohan" changed their names approximately five years ago, around the time that Lindsay started doing anything at all.
SATURDAY, MARCH 26 Oh no! Oh no! OH NOOOOOO!!! Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are totally doing it! The two showed up together at Reese Witherspoon's star-studded wedding this evening (Witherspoon married Jim Toth, whoever that is), alongside guests like Tobey Maguire, Robert Downey Jr., Sacha Baron Cohen, Isla Fisher, and Renée Zellweger (wait, she's neither a celebrity nor attractive! How'd she get in there?!). And you know what it means when people show up to a wedding together: They're totally doing it. Eww! Ewww! EWWWW! Gross! Hubby Kip, fill up the bathtub with Purell. We're going in there and we aren't coming out until this (gross) madness is over. MEANWHILE... "Maybe my invitation got lost in the holo-mail or something," Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII mumbled to no one in particular as he absentmindedly used his tentacles to stroke his purring Denobulan slime-weasel. "What good is being the Church of Scientology's Sub-Vice Minister of Celebrity Earthling Recruitment if you can't even attend celebrity weddings and make fun of how gross it is that Scarlett Johansson is doing it with Sean Penn?" After a long moment of silence, Klaktu spoke up again, his voice even softer than before. "Then again, weddings usually just remind me that no one wants to marry me," he muttered. With his mouths' sphincter-like openings trembling with emotion, Klaktu let out a heavy sigh, replicated a pint of Cherry Garcia, and fired up his Cocktail DVD.
SUNDAY, MARCH 27 "We must bombard with Warlock Napalm, that traitor and loser whore #DUH-neese POOR-ards. a vile kidnapper and now dog thief. hate," Charlie Sheen nonsensically twatted about his ex-wife, former Bond girl Denise Richards. At the center of the dispute, apparently, are two pugs Richards recently took back after Sheen treated them so poorly that one of them has since died. It's times like these, dears, that we consider giving up the gossip game—sometimes, things are just too depressing, mean, and pointless to have any entertainment value whatsoever. Sometimes we can't help but feel like—hey, who's that? Why, it's Kevin Federline! What's that, Kevin? You got your girlfriend, Victoria Prince, pregnant? Meaning in addition to those children you fathered with Britney, there'll be even more unemployed, rapping Federlines in the future, happily munching on Cheetos and unwittingly keeping us entertained for decades to come? That's great news, Kev! Congrats! (We're sorry we ever doubted you, gossip. You always come through in the end.)