MONDAY, APRIL 25
As we, perhaps a wee too gleefully, noted last week, Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 120 hours of community service for supposedly violating her parole or whatever by maybe perhaps stealing a necklace or something, like who cares. But exactly HOW will she be "serving the community"? By playing garbage lady—in the LA County MORGUE. LiLo will be picking up icky trash, emptying garbage cans, mopping out urinals, and giving pedicures to cadavers. Okay, fine, she's not really being allowed any contact with dead people. (But c'mon! Dead people are part of the community, too!) MEANWHILE... While swabbing coroner urine off a toilet seat could be construed as cruel and unusual punishment, the courts went too far when they sentenced Lindy to appear on Jay Leno's Tonight Show! What's that? SHE CHOSE TO APPEAR ON HER OWN VOLITION? Oh, Lindsay. You stupid, stupid bitch. Linds made a surprise appearance on the program to blather incomprehensibly about her most recent courtroom adventure and plug her upcoming role as a mob wife in Gotti: Three Generations starring John Travolta. (Pssst! Lindsay! If John mentions anything about Emperor Klaktu or "Rigel VII," run!!) Shockingly, and to Lindsay's pleasant surprise, she received an enthusiastic response and a bewildering standing ovation from the audience. (In defense of the audience, they thought they were on Oprah, and about to win a car.)
TUESDAY, APRIL 26
It's official: Katie Couric is stepping down as anchor from the virtually unwatched CBS Evening News. Got any plans, Katie? "I am looking at a format that will allow me to engage in more multi-dimensional storytelling," Katie responded, adding, "I am excited about the future." Sooooo... no plans, huh? "Nope! Not a one. Unless you count crocheting stapler cozies to sell on Etsy." MEANWHILE... As recently dished in One Day, Scientology birthing vessel Katie Holmes freaked the fuck out and threatened to sue Star magazine for $50 million after one of their covers implied she was a drug addict. (This is obviously untrue, as Scientology overlords would never allow drugs to enter any of their birthing vessels, less they potentially contaminate the alien hybrid offspring—for further information, Google "Suri Cruise.") Seeing the error of their ways, Star not only printed a retraction, but also apologized to Katie on the cover of their latest issue, AND made a sizable donation to her favorite charity. (Which we all know is the "Rigel VII Embryo Insertion Relief Fund." The clones say "thanks," Katie!)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27
While it's nearly impossible to raise the IQ level of a hillbilly, President Barack Obama nevertheless took to the internet today to release his full "long-form" birth certificate which proves that (SURPRISE!!) he was actually born in this country. The president wanted to impress upon some of these drooling yokels (oh, hello Donald Trump) that the nation "does not have time for this kind of silliness," and that we should ignore the "sideshows and carnival barkers" (oh, hello again, Donald Trump). Unsurprisingly, the mentally deficient members of this "birthers" cult took one look at Obama's certificate, and immediately flushed all logic down the toilet. "Where is the embossed seal of Hawaii?" barked one conservative birther blogger. "I find the upper left corner and border of the doc to be interesting," squealed another, adding, "Looks like the document was overlayed onto security paper." And then there was, "We have to look at it. We have to see. Is it real? It is rather amazing that all of a sudden it materializes." OH. HELLO AGAIN, DONALD TRUMP. (You've got a little drool there on your chin.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 28
Speaking of droolers and the droolers that drool along with them, Donald Trump may not be able to count Jerry Seinfeld and Robert De Niro among his biggest fans (see last week's One Day for the hilarious details).However he does have one Hollyweird celeb firmly on his side: Blossom's Joey Lawrence. The former teen idol has thrown his hat in the ring as a supporter of Donald Trump's idiotic possible run for presidency and his equally idiotic "birther" comments. "Obama was something fresh and new," Lawrence drooled to Fox News, "but that fell flat because he gets in there and it's pretty much the same old thing. I think everybody can agree that there's no real change." (Actually, there has been at least one significant change. We've now decided that we hate you, hate you, hate you, and will burn our "We Love You, Joey!" scrapbook from 1991 on the backyard grill. On the other hand, Jonathan Taylor Thomas 4EVAH!)
FRIDAY, APRIL 29
"I have never been bullied in my life," insisted Harry Potter actress Emma Watson on her website today. The actress—famed for her pretty good portrayal of Hermione Granger, and her excellent portrayal of a young Harry Potter actress with a fondness for underage drinking—was addressing rumors that she dropped out of Brown after fellow students called out "10 points to Gryffindor!" whenever she answered a question in class. "This '10 points to Gryffindor' incident never even happened," Watson huffily claimed, before explaining that she was taking time off to "figure out my third year and whether or not I will spend it abroad." Exemplary decision, dear! We hear Hogsmeade is lovely this time of year.
SATURDAY, APRIL 30
Tonight was the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, and the event's co-host, Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers, launched a routine directed at one of the dinner's attendees: reality TV star/wannabe president/drooler Donald Trump. "Donald Trump has been saying that he will run for president as a Republican," Meyers noted. "Which is surprising, because I just assumed he was running as a joke." Other bon mots: "Donald Trump owns the Miss USA pageant, which is great for Republicans because it will streamline their search for vice president," and "Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic, because a fox often appears on Donald Trump's head. If you're at the Washington Post table with Trump and you can't finish your entrée, don't worry—the fox will eat it." But Meyers paled in comparison to the real comedian: President Barack Obama. "Donald Trump is here tonight!" Obama began. "I know he's taken some flak lately, but no one is happier, no one is prouder, to put this birth certificate matter to rest than the Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter—like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?" Obama continued, "All kidding aside, obviously, we know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For example, in an episode of Celebrity Apprentice, at the steak house, the men's cooking team did not impress the judges from Omaha Steaks. And there was a lot of blame to go around. But you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership. And so ultimately, you didn't blame Lil Jon or Meat Loaf. You fired Gary Busey. And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night." IN RELATED NEWS... Huh, look at that. Donald Trump left the White House Correspondents' Association dinner early.
SUNDAY, MAY 1
As obsessively covered by every media outlet ever, Osama bin Laden is dead. Nearly a decade after 9/11, and eight years after George W. Bush declared "Mission Accomplished" in the Middle East, an elite squad of super soldiers stormed a fortified compound in Pakistan and killed the terrorist. Naturally, we turn to Hollyweird's denizens for their takes on this momentous news! "Go USA!" tweeted Lindsay Lohan. "Just got word that will shock the world – Land of the free...home of the brave DAMN PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!" tweeted Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (who somehow knew about this news even before CNN). "I'm totally going to play, like, eight hours of Call of Duty: Black Ops tonight," Hubby Kip gravely informed us as we watched Obama's speech. "In times like these, I really feel like it's the least I can do. What's the Nutter Butters sitch, babe?"