MONDAY, JULY 25
Kids, gather 'round Auntie Ann for a minute for today's very important life lesson: SOME PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE. And not just terrible in the Bernie Madoff/Dick Cheney/Rick Santorum sort of way, but TERRIBLE to their very core. People like Kim Kardashian, for example, and especially her male doppelganger Jesse James. As you may recall, serial cheater James was caught boinking a bevy of tattooed slutlets while married to poor mustachioed Sandra Bullock. After being given the heave-ho, James focused his attention on just one tat-covered skank, Kat Von D, to whom he swore his eternal love. And so they lived happily ever... OH, NOT QUITE. Radar Online reported today that James and Von D are now officially splitsville, after James was caught... oh, say it isn't so! He was caught CHEATING on her? How. Can. This. Be? James had reportedly turned his life around, swearing off ink-covered douchebaguettes forever! And yet, a source who spotted the two arguing outside their LA home had this to say: "I could hear them fighting. Kat kept throwing some woman's name out... Jesse finally said, 'Fine, fuck you!' and sped away on his motorcycle." (She obviously meant "douche-cycle.") Soon after this dustup, Ms. Von D took to her Twatter to announce the sad news. "I am no longer w Jesse," Von D sobbed/twatted, "and out of respect for him, his family, and myself, that's all the info I'd like to share. Thanks for respecting that." Oh, don't thank us too soon—because we've got something to share as well: Hey gals! If you're looking to add a new tattoo to your collection, how about this one? "Stay away from Jesse James and his icky penis." (You may want to have it inked on the inside of your eyelids—just to be safe.)
TUESDAY, JULY 26
Here's the latest on poor Amy Winehouse, who was found dead in her North London home last weekend. A memorial service for the singer was held today, at which her father spoke, and shared sad/funny stories about Amy's childhood ending with, "Goodnight, my angel. Sleep tight. Mommy and Daddy love you ever so much." WAAAAHHH! (Sorry. We'll do our best to hold it together.) As you probably suspect, Winehouse's death was more than likely caused by alcohol—however, sources say that Winehouse's family claims that it was the lack of alcohol that killed her. Her doctor had reportedly warned the singer against going "cold turkey" and to cut back on her heavy drinking slowly, as not to cause a shock to her system. "Amy told him she couldn't do that," a source says, "It was all or nothing and she gave up completely." Autopsy results will not be released until late October, according to authorities, at which point we'll hopefully learn the truth. MEANWHILE... You can now add Microsoft to the "Most TERRIBLE" list, thanks to the following twatter released by the company's UK PR branch, almost immediately after the singer's death: "Remember Amy Winehouse by downloading the ground-breaking Back to Black over at Zune...." Naturally the Twitterverse erupted over this cynical, money-hungry twat, with responses such as, "Vile leeches—seriously?" and "Stay classy Microsoft PR jackals." In an attempt to hit the brakes on the controversy, Microsoft twatted back, "Apologies to everyone if our earlier Amy Winehouse 'download' tweet seemed purely commercially motivated. Far from the case, we assure you." Three cheers for the Tweeter who twatted in response, "Why don't you let people download it for free then?" SILENCE. (Yeah, we thought so.)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 27
There are One Day at a Time readers who accuse us of being "anti-old people." This is most certainly not the case, and we'll prove it in this next story by staunchly defending extremely old person Hugh Hefner. Hughie was attacked yesterday on the Howard Stern Show by former bunny/fiancée Crystal Harris who claimed that her only sexual encounter with the Playboy founder lasted "like two seconds." BLASPHEMY!!! Not that we would know, of course. That's why we're going to depend on the testimony of other bunnies who have thrown their young, nubile bodies on his wrinkled, 85-year-old shaft. "Hef is a lover," testified Playboy TV's Dani Mathers, who apparently knows. "I think they definitely had sex more than that one time and it wasn't two minutes. Hef definitely has a sex life." (Let's pause for a moment to imagine that "sex life." Okay, stop, that's enough.) Hefner jumped on Twatter to defend himself against the "two-second" charge, and said he was now "happy to be in a better place with new girlfriends Anna Sophia Berglund and Shera Bechard." True or false, let's just agree that Hefner is able to have sex for longer than we'd care to imagine it.
THURSDAY, JULY 28
THIS JUST IN: Most terrible female in the world Kim Kardashian does not—does NOT—have ringworm (as was discussed on her terrible show Keeping Up with the Kardashians). She actually has psoriasis, an easily treatable condition if Kardashian would simply slow down her hectic schedule of annoying us to death. "It's just not possible," Kardashian told People magazine. "My career is doing ad campaigns and swimsuit photo shoots. People don't understand the pressure on me to look perfect." Dear Kim Kardashian: We eagerly await your death.
FRIDAY, JULY 29
THIS ALSO JUST IN: Denise Richards can read! Richards might be semi-famous for being many things—suffering through a marriage with Charlie Sheen, vamping it up as a former Bond girl, being "that Starship Troopers chick who made out with that Scream chick in Wild Things" (sorry, that last one was from Hubby Kip)—but being "literate" isn't one of them. Since Richards' new book, The Real Girl Next Door—billed as an "inspiring and uplifting, raw and revealing" look at her life—probably isn't going to win a Pulitzer, she gave a revealing interview to Us in an attempt to move some copies. One of those revelations? Richards didn't bother doing any research before getting a boob job. "When I was 19, a doctor put in bigger implants than what I asked for," Richards says. "I was in such a hurry to get them that I didn't research my doctor. I just thought because they're a plastic surgeon, they must be good." Yes, dear. And while we're glad that, after a few more surgeries, your current chest is less Wild Things and more Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, it bears repeating: 19-YEAR-OLD WANNABE STARLETS: RESEARCH YOUR PLASTIC SURGEON. Or, you know, maybe don't get fake boobs? The benefits rarely outweigh the risks, which can include saline rupture, implant migration, and Charlie Sheen.
SATURDAY, JULY 30
Happy birthday, Arnold Schwarzenegger! The bodybuilder/actor/governor/philanderer turned 64 today, and celebrated by going out to lunch with two of his (legitimate) children and... former wife Maria Shriver? "Shriver reportedly picked up the lunch tab and ordered the birthday boy an espresso," E! reports, noting that the heartwarming family gathering "comes days after the former Governator backed off his initial hardball court papers, which had sought to deny Shriver spousal support." It's official: Nothing in Hollyweird ever makes any damn sense whatsoever. SPEAKING OF GERIATRICS... Forty-three-year-old Julia Roberts is at the center of an embarrassing PR gaffe in England, where L'Oréal was forced to pull ads featuring Roberts after accusations surfaced that the images were "overly airbrushed" and "breached the advertising standards code for exaggeration." The product in question was "Teint Miracle," an unfortunately named foundation that—thank god—can't make anyone look as creepily smooth as Roberts appeared in the ads. For their part, L'Oréal claimed the image used in the ads was an "aspirational picture," which is code for "L'Oréal and Denise Richards' disreputable plastic surgeon: Not so different after all!"
SUNDAY, JULY 31
Seriously, Marines: STOP IT. We recently reported on that one Marine who asked out Mila Kunis (she said yes!), that other Marine who asked out Justin Timberlake (he said yes, somewhat less enthusiastically!), and that third Marine who asked out Betty White (who didn't have time for his bullshit). Now another annoying Marine has decided to ask out another celebrity: Sergeant Dustin L. Williams set his sights on Scarlett Johansson, and, like most men, was promptly shut down. ScarJo claimed that she wouldn't be able to humor him thanks to "prior commitments," which is Hollywood-ese for "I would, but I have to wash my hair that night," which, in turn, is code for "Uh, no freaking way. Do I look that desperate to you?" ScarJo was nice enough to send him a case of champagne as a consolation prize, at least, which is code for, "Quick, get all your dumb jarhead buddies pass-out drunk so they can't ask out anymore celebrities! (Unless that celebrity is Maria Shriver, because she clearly needs some attention and should not even be buying Arnold an espresso)."