MONDAY, MARCH 26
This just in: New moms are weird. And as a completely random example, let's pick on Mad Men's January Jones, shall we? According to an article from today's People, new mommy January has a (ahem) rather unusual method for keeping up her energy while playing the emotionally challenged Betty. "I have a great doula who makes sure I'm eating well," said January, "with vitamins and teas, and with placenta capsulation." Oh, well, that sounds completely norm... WHAAAAAT? "It's not witchcrafty or anything," January said with an evil cackle as she stirred a bubbling cauldron in order to prepare a poison apple, before flying off on her br... oh, you get it. "It's something I was very hesitant about, but we're the only mammals who don't ingest our own placenta." January. Honey. Our cat licks up its own vomit. And if your doula advises you to do that, too? Fire... her. MEANWHILE IN FURTHER DISGUSTING NEW MOM NEWS... Actress Alicia Silverstone, who we thought was completely adorable in Clueless, posted a video this weekend on her website thekindlife.com [SPOILER ALERT: What we're about to say is not very kind] in which she chewed up food and then spit it into her baby's mouth. GAH-ROSSSS!!! Describing the nauseating spectacle Alicia said, "It's his favorite... he literally crawls across the room to attack my mouth while I'm eating." GAH-ROSSSSSS!!! Kid, stop doing that! You might find a slice of placenta in there!
TUESDAY, MARCH 27
Now we turn to the slightly less stomach-churning spectacle of Kim Kardashian. As you may have heard, over the weekend, anti-fur activist Christina Cho pelted the horrific Ms. K with a bag of flour. (Hee-hee-hee... it's not funny!) Anyway, since Cho is associated with PETA, and Kim's blubbery sis Khloe is also associated with the animal advocacy group... well, you can probably guess what happened. "I've been a vocal supporter of PETA for a long time," sniped Khloe to a world who's finding it increasingly difficult to give two shits. "But I have also been very vocal about anti-bullying, so this was a huge disappointment to me." True, it was disappointing that Cho pelted Kim with flour... but more importantly it was dangerous! What if Lindsay Lohan had been there and tried to snort it up? MEANWHILE... It's beginning to look like our endless stream of Lindsay-snorting-endless-streams-of-coke-into-her-nose may be coming to an unwelcome end. That's right, after five years of hilarious crimes, Lindsay Lohan's lengthy probation period is finally over and (get this) she's no longer required to appear in court. "[Lindsay] has done everything this court has asked of her," said an also incredulous Judge Stephanie Sautner. "However," the judge warned, waving a waggy finger at LiLo, "you need to live your life in a more mature way." "Of course, your honor," Lindsay responded, "That's why I'm only drinking aged Scotch. (Hic.)"
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28
THURSDAY, MARCH 29
As you possibly recall, we recently PANICKED after reading an article that stated pop star Rihanna was spotted sneaking into Ashton Kutcher's mansion close to midnight and sneaking out again three hours later. PANIC!! Today during a press conference for her new movie Battleship, Rihanna was asked (in a roundabout way) if Ashton would be "visiting her" on set. "Wow. How disappointing was that question?" Rihanna huffed. "I'm happy and I'm single, if that's what you were really asking." Actually, we were wondering if Ashton's penis was poking your vagina—but that's good news, too!
FRIDAY, MARCH 30
Hollyweird isn't immune to the massive fallout surrounding the tragic, racially motivated shooting of Trayvon Martin—in fact, formerly famous director Spike Lee dove into the controversy this week when he retweeted a tweet that claimed to disclose the address of Martin's dimwitted murderer, George Zimmerman. Just a harmless bit of incitement for a race war, right? WRONG, because Spike Lee didn't bother confirming the address... which means he didn't realize it was actually the home of David and Elaine McClain, ages 72 and 70, respectively, and the two sweetest people on the planet, a distinction that didn't help at all when they started getting ominous letters and threatening phone calls. "It was an envelope, addressed with a black magic marker to 'George Zimmerman,'" a charmingly befuddled David told CNN about one of the letters. "It said, 'Taste the Rainbow,' and I guess that's the Skittles catchphrase?" Spike Lee first deleted his dumb tweet, then apologized to the McClains on Twitter for some reason ("I've never tweeted. I don't even text," Elaine sweetly informed CNN, shortly after discussing how the situation has exacerbated her heart condition), and finally called the couple to apologize and offer an undisclosed settlement for the trouble. "He was really kind," Elaine told Entertainment Weekly. "When he called us, you could just tell he really felt bad about it. And it was just a slip, and I just know that he really, really has been concerned." "Yeah, yeah," David added, "but I'm still not forgiving him for Summer of Sam. Do you remember that, dear? Heavens, that movie was terrible."
SATURDAY, MARCH 31
NPR released some terrifying news today involving perpetual One Day at a Time star Jennifer Aniston, who no one likes and who also looks like a horse. Anyhoo, NPR reports that a neurosurgeon named Itzhak Fried has discovered the "Jennifer Aniston Neuron"—a neuron in the brain that flashes whenever a patient is shown a picture of Jennifer Aniston. Whaaa? "When he showed those same patients pictures of Julia Roberts or random (not famous) people, or animals, or places, the neuron was quiet," NPR ominously notes. "Back to Jen? Back came the flash." But... but that means... somehow... Jennifer Aniston is embedded in our brains. Hubby Kip! Kip! Bring us the ice pick, stat!
SUNDAY, APRIL 1
"Ashton Kutcher is attached to star as Steve Jobs in Jobs, an independent biopic," the Hollywood Reporter... um, reports. "The film will chronicle Jobs' meteoric rise from Northern California hippie to co-founder of Apple." Sadly, this doesn't appear to be an April Fools' joke, as the Reporter continues, without an ounce of smirk, "Although best known for comedy, Kutcher has tried his hand at drama, including The Butterfly Effect." Ah, yes! The Butterfly Effect, 2004's supernatural thriller about... eh, we can't even keep our interest long enough to finish reading its IMDb page. Anyway! For reaction to the news, we turn to the Ghost of Steve Jobs, currently haunting the immaculately designed hallways of 1 Infinite Loop in Cupertino, California. "Y'know, ever since I saw Dude, Where's My Car?, I always figured that Kelso dipshit would be the ideal choice to play a man of my importance and intelligence," the ghost said, rolling his spectral eyes. "I mean, c'mon. Next thing you know they're going to hire Mike Daisey to direct the thing!" Doubling over in a great belly laugh, the ghost then looked up, panicked. "Wait, wait! Don't print that! I swear to Christ, if Kutcher sees that in print and gets any ideas, I'm going to be so mad I'll have to ectoplasmically strangle at least a dozen Foxconn workers."