MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26
More drama from the set of the absolutely terrible sitcom Two and a Half Men! (Yay!) As you undoubtedly recall, One Day at a Time Freak of the Year (2011) Charlie Sheen was booted off the show for... well, you know... "tiger blood." Today yet another cast member, Angus T. Jones—who plays the "half" in Two and a Half Men—may have tossed his career down the toilet when he appeared on a freaky Christian video, crap-talking the show paying him upward of $300,000 an episode. "I'm on Two and a Half Men, and I don't want to be on it," Angus confessed on a video for the Forerunner Christian Church. "Please stop watching it, and filling your head with filth." You must admit, he makes a compelling argument. Angus continues, "I don't want to be contributing to [Satan's] plan. You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like that. I know I can't." Uh... oh! For Angus' sake, heaven better have a good 401K plan. MEANWHILE... Two of this planet's more annoying people are arguing. Former American Idol judge and longhaired skeleton Steven Tyler dissed the mentoring abilities of new Idol judge Nicki Minaj, saying that inexperienced contestants won't be given a fair shake by the screeching rap harpy. "If [the contestant] were Bob Dylan, Nicki Minaj would have him sent to the cornfield." While this makes absolutely no sense, Nicki hit back (and hard!) on her poor, abused Twatter machine. "Steven Tyler said I would have sent Bob Dylan to a cornfield???" Nicki bellowed. "That's a racist comment... You assume that I wouldn't have liked Bob Dylan??? why? black? rapper? what? Go fuck yourself...." IN A RELATED STORY... The new season of American Idol is trying really hard to make us give a shit.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27
Meanwhile pop starlet Rihanna continues to tempt us to pick up a gun and blow our beautiful brains out. Last week she took to Twatter "giving thanks" for spending Thanksgiving with her former abuser Chris Brown in Berlin. (GAHHHH!! This is not what the pilgrims intended!) Today she returned to Twatter to post a picture of a shirtless man—who is almost certainly Chris Brown—lying on her bed, adding the cryptic message, "Dis ni**a...." Okay, now she's just trolling us. This is not how it works, Rihanna! We're the gossipmongers! We troll YOU! MEANWHILE... Well, well, well... look which "God-fearing" actor is crawling back to the Two and a Half Men trough. Satan-and-paycheck-hating Angus T. Jones released a statement today apologizing to his Two and a Half bosses and coworkers. "I apologize if my [cray-cray Christian] remarks reflect... a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed," Angus wrote. "I never intended that." That's right, Angus. Jesus don't pay the bills. MEANWHILE... Former Two and Half crazy person Charlie Sheen weighs in: "I dare anyone [in particular Angus] to spend 10 years in the laugh-track that is [creator] Chuck Lorre's hive of oppression and not suffer some sort of emotional tsunami." See, Angus? Now that's how you do "crazy!"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28
Oh, so now former American Idol judge Steven "Skeletor" Tyler is apologizing to Nicki Minaj... for not being a racist? "I apologize if it was taken wrong, Nicki," Tyler said in a Canadian interview. "But I am the furthest from being a racist. I am the last thing on this planet as far as being a racist... a racist I'm not, Nicki." Okay, okay! You've convinced us, Steven. You're totally a racist.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Well, we knew this day was coming. Lindsay Lohan was arrested today and charged with third-degree assault after allegedly sucker-punching 28-year-old Tiffany Ava Mitchell at a Manhattan nightclub. (And yes, for those keeping score, Lindsay is still on probation for her $2,500 necklace heist back in 2011.) Here's the convoluted story: Linds had attended a Justin Bieber concert (!!) earlier in the evening, and began partying with the dreamy Max George of boy band the Wanted (Lindsay is right... yum). According to witnesses speaking to TMZ and Radar Online, Lindsay was either super drunk, high on coke, or both—regardless, when Tiff Mitchell, a psychic/palm reader (!!) offered to tell the starlet's fortune, LiLo allegedly called her a "gypsy" and warned her to step off. Apparently while the palm reader was trying to do so, Lindsay dropped a haymaker on the side of Tiff's face, and made a run for the door. She was stopped by cops, and taken into custody, only to be released awaiting a January 7 court date. In Lindsay's defense, the psychic should've seen it coming! Thank yew, thank yew... our cruelty will be here all week.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30
Lindsay Lohan's Terrible Thursday continues with even more juicy details! According to TMZ, Linds told friends that psychic Tiffany Mitchell first attempted to "do a reading" on LiLo—but after Lohan turned her down, some of Mitchell's friends stole her purse! Hence: The punch heard 'round the world. "Lindsay has admitted to calling Tiffany a 'gypsy' but says she did not know the word is considered a slur," TMZ concludes. "As for hitting Tiffany—Lindsay's totally denying that... and feels she's the victim of yet another setup." AND WHY, YES, THERE'S MORE... Hours after that altercation, Lindsay was officially charged for crashing her car on the Pacific Coast Highway earlier this year while filming Liz & Dick. AND SINCE THESE THINGS COME IN THREES... Lindsay's friends are reportedly urging LiLo to return to rehab before a judge orders her to do so—a strange, baffling concept that Lindsay is refusing to consider... even though she's reportedly chugging two liters of vodka a day to deal with her current legal, vehicular, and psychic-related problems. MEANWHILE... The New York Post reports that a man who lives on the Upper West Side paid $140,000 to make two clones of his beloved dead dog, Astro. (He really loved the original Astro. He even had a hat made out of Astro's fur.) The only problem? He lets Astro's clones run free, "defiantly" flaunting the leash law! Thus, the greatest headline of all time: "Cloned Dogs Run Wild in Central Park, Attacking Other Pets and People." Dears, this is it. We are living in the future.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1
More proof we're living in a brave new world? Pope Benedict XVI has joined Twitter. "The Vatican acknowledged that it had chosen the @pontifex handle not only because of its meaning but also because many other handles had been taken," the New York Times reports. ("Pontifex" means "bridge-builder" in Latin—not, as we first guessed, "Pontiff X-treme.") The pope will answer tweets about "matters of faith" that use the #askpontifex hashtag. "The pope will post messages however often he feels like it," the Times adds. Welcome to the internet, Pope! Sometime soon, someone's going to tweet "Check out two girls one cup #askpontifex." Pope, we wholeheartedly encourage you to do so.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2
Okay, New Zealand? STOP. We know you are very, very excited about The Hobbit movies that were made in your tiny, adorable, sheep-governed country, but stop. First you put hobbits and dwarves and wizards all over your postage stamps and passport stamps ("Welcome to Middle-earth" the stamp says, somewhat misleadingly). Fine. Then you emblazoned the visage of Bilbo Baggins on your money. Hmm. Okay. Then you laid down 550 yards of red carpet and put up a 30-foot-tall sculpture of Gandalf in downtown Wellington for the premiere of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, then you had Peter Jackson make an "Air Middle-earth" safety video to be shown on Air New Zealand flights, and then you installed a terrifying, 43-foot-long sculpture of Gollum that menacingly hangs over everyone who enters the New Zealand Airport. And now—ugh. NERDS. "A Fiordland peak could be named Mt. Tolkien, after the author of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, if a Manapouri man's proposal is accepted by the New Zealand Geographic Board," New Zealand's edition of Stuff reports. The man—who previously tried to rename a river used in Lord of the Rings to the remarkably dweeby "Anduin Reach"—has so far failed, since New Zealand won't rename landmarks after things in pop culture... yet. At this rate, it's only a matter of time until New Zealand officially changes its name to Middle-earth, forcing all 14 of its residents to call themselves hobbits and live in caves and smoke weed all the time and—oh, for chrissakes. Excuse us, dears. Hubby Kip was reading this over our shoulder; now he's on the phone with the New Zealand Immigration Service. We're going to go nip this in the bud.