GRRRRR! HULK SO ANGRY! Captain America just call Avengers team meeting! "We're leaving Avengers Mansion!" Captain America say. "We're moving to Portland!" NOOOOOO! Hulk no want Avengers in Portland! Portland am HULK home! Hulk live in Portland because of laid-back atmosphere and no one make fun of Hulk recumbent bike. Now rest of Avengers live here, too? NOOOOOO!
Somehow Avengers hear about great Portland lifestyle. Now stupid alcoholic Tony Stark excited for Portland craft beers! Thor excited to win Portland beard contests! Black Widow excited for... Union Jack's? (Hulk not know Black Widow swing that way! Hulk glad for information.) "I just got a fantastic apartment—at Burnside 26!" brag idiot Hawkeye. "I hear it's authentic Portland—there's even a spot where I can wash my dog!" UGHH! Hawkeye am such a douchebag!
Why everyone so hot to move to Portland, anyway? Because of dumb Portlandia, Hulk bet! HULK SMASH PUNY FRED! HULK SMASH PUNY CARRIE! Doctor Strange saw dumb Portlandia and him decide to move here too! Him crash on Hulk futon for THREE WEEKS! Make Hulk futon reek like patchouli! Then make Hulk stand in line at Voodoo Doughnut! Like dumb tourist! (You know, Hulk not like Doctor Strange. Hulk suspect Doctor Strange not even have medical license.)
Wait... WHERE WAS HULK? Oh! Hulk complain about Avengers moving to Portland... and driving up rents! Tony Stark even talking about becoming developer and demolishing Hulk historic house. (Surprise, dummy! Hulk accidentally demolish it last week!)
"Aw, cheer up, green guy! There's room for everyone!" annoying Captain America say when Hulk express very legitimate Hulk concerns. "Hawkeye's found some great brunch spots—and we can all go to Salt & Straw!" HULK CAN'T AFFORD SALT & STRAW! HULK CAN'T EVEN AFFORD PILE OF RUBBLE HOUSE!
HULK HEAVY SIGH. Hulk guess him just another superhero-of-color pushed out of city. Looks like Hulk forced to find new place... maybe in East Portland? Hulk hear Luke Cage am looking for roommate!