ATTENTION PUNY HUMANS! What follow am public service announcement about fireworks!
HULK HATE FIREWORKS! Fireworks make Hulk want to SMASH!! Don't puny humans care about Hulk feelings? Every year, puny Bruce Banner very nicely knock on neighbor door and say, "Excuse me? Your fireworks are really frightening... errr... my dog." Then puny neighbors laugh and shove sparkler down puny Banner's pants! Then puny Banner turn into Hulk! Then Hulk throw puny neighbor into reservoir three miles away! Then same thing happen next year! And next! IT AM VICIOUS CIRCLE!
Hulk say it simple: Loud noises hurt Hulk ears. Loud noises remind Hulk how General Thunderbolt Ross send army men to kill Hulk! Hulk even go to doctor for help—and Doctor Strange say Hulk have PTSD! (That stand for Post-Traumatic Smashing Destruction.) When Hulk hear loud fireworks, Hulk hide under bed! When Hulk can't fit under bed, Hulk squeeze behind couch! When Hulk can't squeeze behind couch? Hulk smash Moda Center! See? ANOTHER VICIOUS CIRCLE!!
Alcoholic Tony Stark say, "Hulk, buddy—just have a drink. Relax!" No, alcoholic Tony Stark! Liquor make Hulk send late-night text message, and next thing Hulk know, Black Widow file restraining order! Then Hawkeye say, "Just chill, bro! Drop by my awesome new Burnside 26 apartment! We'll vape some sweet herb!" UGGGGHHH! No thanks, douchebag! Hulk feel stupid enough already!
Fireworks make Hulk HATE Fourth of July. AMERICA AM HULK'S HOME TOO, YOU KNOW! What about Hulk freedoms? What about Hulk rights? So Hulk can get gay married, but Hulk can't spend Fourth of July quietly working on Gilmore Girls scrapbooking project? THAT NOT AMERICA HULK SIGN UP FOR! If puny humans am true Americans, they join Hulk in SMASHING fireworks this Fourth of July! BUT QUIETLY, PLEASE!
This PSA paid for by Citizens Who Are Tired of Rebuilding Moda Center.