MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2 Just when you thought your faith in humanity had been shattered into a billion pieces after Mayor Adams' bathroom canoodle fest, things have gotten exponentially WORSE, because... brace yourself... Olympian Michael Phelps—upon whose washboard abs rode the hopes of a nation—was photographed smoking a bong! Presumably a bong full of POT MARIJUANA! Never mind that he won nine gold medals and probably deserves a skootch or two of relaxation, Phelps—like Adams—is a national hero who, thanks to his years of hard work and dedication, is no longer entitled to a private life. And as such, whenever he gets caught in the act of (shudder) "being human" he is entitled by federal law to make a humiliating public apology. Cue sniveling. "This was stupid, and I know this won't happen again," Phelps said as he groveled before a hypocritical public. "It's something I'm not proud of at all. I will say that with the mistakes I've made, I've learned from them. And I've become a better person." Here's what he should've said. "Dear America: I won you NINE FUCKING GOLD MEDALS. So that means, from now on? You buy my weed. Okay? Let's start with a pound." MEANWHILE... Poor steroid-addled baseball star Alex Rodriguez. According to the Daily News, A-Rod has already gotten the A-Shaft, because Madonna has allegedly already moved on to a younger, hotter piece of meat-cake. A Brazilian model with abs that make Michael Phelps look like Homer Simpson, 22-year-old Jesus Luz has been spotted on multiple occasions cozying up with the 50-year-old cougar. Waitjustasecond... a 28-year-age difference? She owes A-Rod and A-Merica a tearful, humiliating public apology! (Hey, has anyone purchased the domain name "RecallMadonna.org"?)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3 And while we're on the subject of recalling anything that annoys us, let's recall actor Christian Bale's f-bomb-dropping rants! As anyone who owns the internet knows, TMZ leaked audio of Bale's three-minute-long, expletive-laden screamfest on the set of the upcoming Terminator Salvation. Apparently a lowly crewmember had the audacity to walk into his line of sight during a scene, setting off the longest string of pornographic invectives since Hubby Kip threw my Roberto Cavalli evening gown into the dryer... with the sneakers he uses to mow the lawn! We mean... what the FUCK was he thinking? That's just it; HE WASN'T FUCKING THINKING. What the fuck is up with him anyway? What doesn't he fucking understand about DRY-FUCKING-CLEAN ONLY? Apparently, somebody has to fucking keep an eye on him every fucking minute of the day. What? We can't have one fucking nice dress? Apparently fucking not! Would he fucking like it if we trashed his fucking Battlenerd Gaspastica vinyl figurines? NO, WE DON'T FUCKING THINK SO! Then why is he fucking trashing my ROBERTO CAVALLI, for the love of Christ? He's fucking driving us fucking INSANE!!! (Wait... this isn't going to show up as a dance remix, is it?)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4 But it wasn't just Christian Bale (and a certain sheepish, and now very apologetic gossip columnist) who flipped their wigs this week; revered actress Faye Dunaway lashed out after learning that former tweeny-bopper Hilary Duff was reprising Dunaway's most famous role in an indie remake of Bonnie and Clyde. "Couldn't they have at least cast a real actress?" the aging star sniped. Thankfully for gossip sluts such as ourselves, Duff was more than happy to return the burn, icily responding, "I think that my fans that are going to see the movie don't even know who [Dunaway] is.... I might be mad if I looked like that now too." Meee-OW! Little kitten has some claws!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5 The main difference between Olympian Michael Phelps and snaggle-toothed teen starlet Miley Cyrus? She really needs to apologize. Thanks to another glorious internet leak, a photo of Miley Cyrus circulated on the web today depicting her and her honky friends making slanty-eyed "Me-Chinese" faces as the one Asian person in the picture stared glumly at the camera. Naturally, advocacy groups rightly pointed out that Cyrus' actions "encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent." However, Miley didn't quite see it that way. "In NO way was I making fun of any ethnicity," Miley howled in her defense. "I was simply making a goofy face." Look, Miley, putting your fingers at the corner of your eyes and making them slanty is not just "goofy"—it's an insulting stereotype. Now get your ugly crooked teeth fixed, and take some diction lessons, you ridiculous hayseed hillbilly.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6 "Feel free to make fun of me at my expense. I deserve it completely," a browbeaten Christian Bale said today, calling in to Los Angeles radio station KROQ to apologize for his furious diatribe. "It's been a miserable week for me," the rageaholic said. "Listen, I know I have a potty mouth.... I was way out of order. I acted like a punk. I regret that." As for the crewmember on the receiving end of Bale's rant? "We have resolved this completely," Bale said. "I have no intention of getting anyone fired. There is no problem whatsoever." Unfortunately the call was interrupted when Bale's personal assistant brought him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of a jelly and peanut butter sandwich. "WHAT DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?" Bale screamed. "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU? YOU CAN'T EVEN GET A JELLY AND PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH RIGHT, CAN YOU? FUCKIN' ASS! AND WHERE'S THE SCRIPT FOR NEWSIES 2? I WANTED THAT ON MY DESK YESTERDAY! YOU AND ME? WE'RE FUCKIN' DONE, PROFESSIONALLY."

SATURDAY, FEBRARY 7 Today Jennifer Aniston turned 40 years old, hosting a birthday party for herself at her Beverly Hills home alongside guests Oprah, Tom Hanks, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, and Tobey Maguire. Maguire was asked to leave after using chalk to draw an "X" on Aniston's forehead and then aiming at it with a rifle. (Because that's what you do with old horses, right? And because Aniston looks like a horse! And because Tobey was in Seabiscuit? And because... ah, screw it.)

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8 Following tonight's Grammys presentation, singer Chris Brown was arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna. "It seems she's taking the steps you'd need to take if you were going to press charges," a source told the Daily News. "But she could wake up tomorrow morning and decide she still loves him." Hmm. Looks like someone needs some anger management classes. (And by "someone" we mean "the entirety of Hollyweird.") MEANWHILE... In less depressing news, the contestants for the eighth season of Dancing with the Stars were announced today. (Wait, did we say "less depressing"? We meant "more depressing.") The lineup includes singer Jewel, actress Denise Richards, rapper Lil' Kim, Jackass' Steve-O, Apple Computer cofounder Steve Wozniak, and comedian David Alan Grier. Well, yes. Those certainly are some "stars," and we'll totes be tuning in, if only to see Lil' Kim competing in the tango against Steve Wozniak, and to smoke a pound of pot marijuana. Don't worry, we're already preparing our apology.

We don't usually devote precious column inches to sales pitches, but this week, you simply have to pop by your fave bookstore to pick up MySpace Dark Horse Presents Volume 2. This fab new comic book collection features an intro by yours truly, plus the Ann Romano: Gossip Whore comic (written by us, obvs, with art from Paul Lee), plus stories from Tara McPherson, Gerard Way & Gabriel Bá, Evan Dorkin, Gilbert Hernandez, Zack Whedon, and more! Plus, unlike this rag, we totes get royalties, so you'd be doing us (and that pair of Pierre Hardy slingbacks we've been eyeing) a huge favor.

Mwah!