Vandalism to the Troutdale Trout statue in Pioneer Heroes Plaza occurring the night of October 13 has cost an estimated $250,000 in damage. Officers spent several hours removing toilet paper, chalk markings, and candies resembling phalluses from the trout.
A power outage impacting 42 homes on the night of October 14 was determined to be due to a dog gnawing through the power lines outside of the Tri-Valley Rhododendron Club. Mrs. Agnes Hankins told police she spread peanut butter on the lines to attract squirrels. The dog, Woofy, is deceased.
Teenager in blue Cadillac arrested on Old Creek Road on October 15 for missing taillight and refusal to be courteous to an officer.
A suspicious device, potentially a pipe bomb, was located on the train tracks. Every on-call officer of the TPB responded to the item, devising a way to detonate it from a safe distance with a twine and lighter system. After detonation, it was determined that the device was a Star Wars toy, likely belonging to neighboring minor Bobby O'Neil. The boy was sentenced to 15 hours of community service.
Officers called off the search for 87-year-old Mark Harkin, who was last seen naked and wandering away from the town steak fry on October 10. Anyone with any knowledge of a nude 87-year-old should contact the department immediately.
Officers were called to a disturbance at the Chick-fil-A SALEabration event the evening of October 16. Marfa Pornikafo, 24, and Edgar E. Lions, 22, who was armed with a hockey stick, were arrested on suspicion of Chick-fil-A theft. Officers determined that their pockets were full of the low-priced, healthy, and delicious filets.