1. Brainard Cemetery, NE Glisan and 90th, est. 1884

We know what you've heard: It's a pioneer cemetery! These are people who survived the depravity and diarrhea of the Oregon Trail, so they're apt to be truly dangerous and pissed off in death.

Don't waste your time. Brainard's the equivalent of the darkened street where you know people are home, but no one's giving out treats. Most of the ghosts here are chill as hell, preferring to spend Halloween in their cozy "ghost nests" (small beds of twigs and sticks where ghosts relax) over torturing the living. There's one casually racist specter named Emmett who's usually around, but he's a bummer more than anything else. PASS!

2. Mt. Calvary Catholic Cemetery, 333 SW Skyline, est. 1888

"Oh shit!," you think, "what insane and terrible purgatories hath the iniquity of these collected souls wrought?" We have no idea what that means, but if you're angling to find the mouth of some sort of twisted Catholic hell at Mt. Cavalry—and who isn't?—you're shit out of luck.

This place actually used to be a phantasmagoric fuckfest a few years back, if you knew the password (which was "sousaphone"). Then that new pope came in and cleaned house. Now it's just a bunch of semi-transparent assholes looking to talk about climate change with Mayor Charlie Hales. SKIP IT!

3. Historic Columbian Cemetery, 1151 N Columbia, est. 1857

Little-discussed fact: John Mock, after whom Mock's Crest was named, was a total prick, and he's only grown worse with time.

Since his death, Mock's spent his excruciating perdition building the gaudiest ghost nest on the east side of the river, then stridently opposing any newer, taller ghost nests that try to pop up nearby with protestations about "graveyard character."

Columbian Cemetery, chock-full as it is with dead children, should be a terrifying and dangerous mélange of grotesques inviting you to play with hoops and sticks. Instead its ghoulish denizens are tied up in endless process, howling over Robert's Rules of Order and despising Californians.

Nothing new under the sun, Portland. NOTHING TO SEE HERE!

More Welcome to Portland, Monster! articles:

Welcome to Portland, Monsters!

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No-Cause Evictions Affect Monster Population

Portland's Most Haunted New Developments

Monster's Pot Review (for Monsters)

A Short History of Portland's Most Famous Monsters

Portland's Most Overrated Cemeteries

Stop Riding the Bus Wrong, Monsters!

The Top 11 Places Where Monsters Meet Other Monsters