The Mercury editorial brass couldn't have been prouder: I was the first music intern in the paper's history to score an exclusive interview with Lil Wayne. Alas, it was not to be; Weezy's people cancelled at the last minute. Panicking, I turned to comedian Eugene Mirman—who's in town on Thursday, April 2, for the Cabinet of Wonders tour (see My, What a Busy Week!). Ever the professional, Mirman answered the questions originally intended for Lil Wayne. Thanks, Eugene, you saved my coffee-shlepping ass.
MERCURY: Do I call you Wayne, Weezy, Lil... something else?
EUGENE MIRMAN: That's a good question. Call me the Little Master.
What does it mean when you say, "I'm a gangster?"
It means that I don't play by the rules. But they're not the ones that you're thinking. I just mean I'll act weird at parties—I don't do what you would expect. When I say, "I'm a gangster," I mean I'm full of surprises.
You have a lot of tattoos on your face. Can you maybe take me on a journey around your face?
Honestly, I forget what a lot of the tattoos are. But in my defense, I'm not in front of a mirror. A lot of it I did when I was sleepy or just about to go to sleep, so I don't really remember what's on there.
Tell me about this drink you like called Syrup?
Oh, it helps me see the future.
You also reportedly like your weed.
Yeah, yeah. I love my weed. It makes me sort of tingle and giggle. And then I'll be like, "What am I laughing at?" Then I'll have more Syrup.
After being busted two times in three years, you've never thought, "Gee, I should ease up on the weed?"
Well, I'm full of surprises.
You have a 10-year-old child. Do you ever worry that you're setting a bad example for the kids?
No, but I'll say this: Always keep a leash on your dick.
Do you think you will ever settle down with one woman?
If she has three heads, yes. If not, no.