Jeremy Eaton

Look, guys! In case you haven't noticed, I have some opinions about things! For example: scones. Who was the freaking idiot who invented scones? THEY'RE TERRIBLE. I refuse to do any research on this—because it's not gonna change my opinion—but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that scones were invented in 1872 by a French baker named Pierre L'Idiot, who left stale bread out on his counter for two weeks, but instead of throwing it away, he said, "Sacre Bleu! I will sell zis stale bread to zee Americain toureests, and tell them eet iz zee cookeee! And zen? Because zee Americains love everyzing FRANCH, zey will be too embarrassment to admit zat zee cookeee tastes like merde!"

Rest assured, I have a lot more to say about scones—and how they taste like Duraflame logs—but today I've decided to stay on topic, and talk about a new TV show debuting this week (which I also have opinions about!) called Teen Wolf (MTV, special two-part debut, Sunday, June 5, 11 pm, and Monday, June 6, midnight).

Here is my opinion on that: It's gonna stink... SEXY. On the "stink" side, it has almost ZERO in common with the 1985 classic of the same name. First of all, it doesn't star Michael J. Fox. Second of all, it also doesn't star Jason Bateman, who was in 1987's Teen Wolf Too. Instead it stars some young twerp named Tyler Posey. (Just my opinion, but I'd kill myself if I had that name.) Third of all, the new teen wolf doesn't even play basketball—he plays lacrosse! This is a game that sounds like it was invented by Pierre L'Idiot—but was actually conceived by Native Americans (but only because they didn't know how to play basketball).

Whatever... WEREWOLVES DON'T PLAY LACROSSE, YO. They make up cool "wolf" dances at the prom, ride on the tops of vans while "Surfin' USA" plays in the background, and most importantly, WIN CHAMPIONSHIP BASKETBALL GAMES.

On the other hand, one would never want to bone the 1985 teen wolf. He looked like a walking moustache—Tom Selleck's, to be exact. That's too hairy for me. I'd much rather bone something like Sandra Bullock's moustache.

And that is why I'm kind of into this new, sexy-fied 2011 Teen Wolf. Instead of all the hilarious hijinks, this version has a Twilight vibe—except with WAY more sex, and WAY less Mormon undertones. Tyler Posey (UGH!!! Change your name, idiot!) plays Scott McCall, a young outsider who goes wandering around in the woods one night, and—CHOMP!—gets snacked by a werewolf! Naturally, Scott becomes a werewolf too, which causes all sorts of teen drama: While his lacrosse skills may have improved, being a werewolf is ruining his love life with new school hottie Allison (Crystal Reed), which is just fine and dandy with her dad who's—wait for it—a professional werewolf hunter (and kind of a dick)!

So even though the new Teen Wolf is gonna stink—it's a sexy stink, which I will take any day over a scone. WHICH IS THE MOST DESPICABLE COOKIE IN THE WORLD! Curse you, Pierre L'Idiot! CURSE... YOU!!!!

THURSDAY, JUNE 2

10:00 NBC LOVE BITES

Debut! "Loosely connected tales of love, sex, and romance from the creator of Sex and the City." SHE... MUST... BE... STOPPED!!

Midnight TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL

Season premiere! A brand-new season of the hee-larious Grey's Anatomy parody, helmed by Rob Corddry!

FRIDAY, JUNE 3

8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

Eric worries he's losing control of the Lions, Becky enters a pageant, and... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

10:30 IFC THE WHITEST KIDS U' KNOW

More surreal sketch hilarity—addressing such topics as "the future" and "adults dressing as babies."

SATURDAY, JUNE 4

8:00 NBC STANLEY CUP FINALS

Game two in the series, featuring the Boston Meatheads vs. the Vancouver Toothless.

8:00 FAM THE SIXTH SENSE—Movie

(1999) "I smell dead people." Wait... there's nothing special about that, is there?

SUNDAY, JUNE 5

9:00 MTV 2011 MTV MOVIE AWARDS

If the Justin Bieber 3D movie doesn't sweep every category, I will go on a killing spree.

10:00 ANI FINDING BIGFOOT

Debut! A new reality show about Sasquatch hunters. Sorry, Yeti—your show on TLC wasn't picked up.

11:00 MTV TEEN WOLF

Debut! A werewolf bites an unpopular teen, and the next day he grows pubes. COINCIDENCE??

MONDAY, JUNE 6

8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE

The boys stage a comedy roast at Ashley's expense, who cuts the field of bachelors down from 15 to ZERO.

9:00 FAM SWITCHED AT BIRTH

Debut! Two teens discover they were "switched at birth" and (surprise!) the "poor one" isn't very happy about it!

TUESDAY, JUNE 7

8:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO

Host James Lipton crams the studio tonight with the hilarious cast members of Modern Family.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8

9:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Tonight's auditions include a juggler, a magician, and 100 other people with no discernable talent.