OH. GREAT. You know, I thought we'd dealt with this already ["You're Riding the Bus Wrong," Feature, Sept 23]. But now it's Halloween, so here we are again, because you monsters won't stop riding the bus wrong.

Let's get this over with. Just like being on the bus, I'm not any happier to be here than you are.

  • Olivia Storm

Frankenstein's Monster

WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW? The rest of us are waiting, Frankenstein's Monster! We are waiting for you to shuffle your stitched-together ass to the goddamn bus stop, and we are waiting for you to shuffle it onto the goddamn bus, and we are waiting for you to accidentally start to get off at the wrong goddamn stop, and then have to moan at everybody as you fumble back to your goddamn seat, and now, here we are waiting for you to stumble off the goddamn bus, Frankenstein's Monster! You seem like a nice guy who's had some bad breaks—but I'm starting to see why everyone in your former village fucking hated you. If the only way to get you to move faster is for me to wave my lighter in your goddamn face, I will do it.

  • Olivia Storm

The Wolf Man

While Jacob from Twilight lopes through the majestic woods of the Pacific Northwest, and while Scott from Teen Wolf does handstands on top of a van while Stiles drives him from party to party, poor Wolf Man is stuck riding TriMet like the rest of us. While it's probably nice for Wolf Man not to be the hairiest creature in sight for once, are you fucking kidding me with dripping your victims' blood all over the seats? Just mop it up, Wolf Man. Takes two seconds. Take a tip from Professor Lupin and just, like, carry a handkerchief or something. You can tatter the edges so it matches your outfit if you're going to be all prissy about it.

  • Olivia Storm

The Mummy

On one hand, I don't want to begrudge the Mummy riding the bus, because it's the only place where the stench of rotting flesh is preferable to whatever the hell's going on with that one guy in the sweats. But on the other hand? Fuck you, the Mummy! You don't get to keep that seat next to you open by gasping at anyone who starts to sit down that they're "more than welcome to sit, of course," only to mumble under your dusty breath that if they do sit down, you'll cast "the excruciating Curse of the Ancient Scarab" on them. Fool me once, Mummy! FYI, while I was sitting next to the guy with the sweats I looked it up. The Curse of the Ancient Scarab isn't even real.


Hey, I get it, Dracula—you've got waaaay more money than the rest of us bus-riding societal castoffs and financial failures. But hey, here's an idea: Maybe don't spend the whole goddamn ride talking about how much better Uber is. Nobody wants to hear it, and everyone knows your accent is fake.

  • Olivia Storm

The Blob

You are taking up way too much space. And stop touching everything.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

This guy's cool, zero complaints.

The Guy From Pan's Labyrinth with Eyeballs in His Hands

Stop staring, asshole.

More Welcome to Portland, Monster! articles:

Welcome to Portland, Monsters!

How to Apologize for Being a Monster

No-Cause Evictions Affect Monster Population

Portland's Most Haunted New Developments

Monster's Pot Review (for Monsters)

A Short History of Portland's Most Famous Monsters

Portland's Most Overrated Cemeteries

Stop Riding the Bus Wrong, Monsters!

The Top 11 Places Where Monsters Meet Other Monsters