Stubble, Fire, and Ass
The Losers: What if Michael Bay Rode the Short Bus?
by Bobby Roberts @BobbyRobertsPDX
THE LOSERS is less a movie than it is a succession of explosions and one-liners. When things aren't going boom, stubbly men growl at each other, things blow up, Zoe Saldana's ass is then reflected in raining glass, and there are also motorcycles that do wicked jumps and a banana-yellow stretch Hummer.
The Losers are a group of military specialists led by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, with Idris Elba as his gruff second-in-command and Chris Evans as a nerd. The trio is double-crossed on a top-secret mission by Jason Patric, playing a CIA bigwig who's a lot like Dr. Claw on Ambien. When Dr. Claw puts a missile into a helicopter filled with 25 Bolivian children, a flaming teddy bear falls from the fireball, Jeffrey Dean Morgan gets sad, and revenge is vowed. But first, Morgan and Elba bet on cockfights and eat burritos.
The Losers are then approached by Saldana, who says she can give them their lives back so long as they promise to murder Dr. Claw. The Losers constantly point guns at her and threaten to stab her in the head with knives, but after some sweaty yelling, they go along with her. Will the dark secrets of her past be revealed? Will the Losers be torn apart by the pressure? Will Dr. Claw succeed with his evil plan to set off a bomb that looks like a Slap Chop?
The credits of The Losers state that Sylvain White (Stomp the Yard) directed the film from a script written by Peter Berg (The Kingdom) and James Vanderbilt (Zodiac). These are lies. The Losers was directed by Tony Scott after suffering massive head trauma, and it was written by a 15-year-old's boner. The Losers is unapologetically clichéd, relentlessly corny, and packed so full of gratuitous stupidity that I can easily envision Michael Bay leaving the theater muttering, "That shit was fucking dumb."
Either this synopsis appeals to you or it doesn't. Neither option is wrong. Regardless, the bar for this summer's upcoming action flicks The A-Team and The Expendables has been set. It is made of five o'clock shadow, it is on fire, and it is located just above Zoe Saldana's ass.
100 min. | Rated PG-13
Director: Sylvain White
Writer: Andy Diggle, Peter Berg and James Vanderbilt
Producer: Kerry Foster, Akiva Goldsman and Joel Silver
Cast: Zoe Saldana, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Idris Elba, Columbus Short and Óscar Jaenada
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