Sucky Vampires 

I Am Virgin Skimps on Blood and Clothes

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BOOBIES DON'T ENTHRALL ME; I do, however, really like vampires. So I'm halfway qualified to critique the local film I Am Virgin, featuring a plethora of topless vampiric vixens. For fair and balanced coverage, I watched it with a mammary appreciator, who provided some thoughts. The schlocky I Am Virgin taught us that one can indeed have too much of a good thing and not enough of an evil thing: He saw too many fake tits, and I didn't get enough vampire carnage.

With Portland as the post-apocalyptic backdrop, twentysomething virgin Robby (Adam Davis) and his basset hound, Billy, roam the cityscape in a tricked-out SUV looking for survivors. Because of a planet-wide plague caused by the H1N3 virus—AKA "the Sexy Virus"—the world is now a playground for sex-obsessed vampires, the mutated survivors of the outbreak. And they've all got the hots for Robby, the last virgin on Earth. Hot vampires on the prowl? Pent-up virgin and his dog? Portland strippers galore? A cameo by Ron Jeremy, speaking wise about anonymous sex? You think I'm nuts for not liking this, don'tcha?

Monotony is the heart of this flick's prob, 'cause even hot monkey sex gets boring without variety. Cue the first of I Am Virgin's many softcore make-out scenes (which culminate in the removal of a vampire's shirt/bra/nurse tube top). Bam chicka wow wow. Dude in yoga shorts grinds. Robby the Virgin watches from the shadows. Vamps implore him to join, "Lick me, Robby." Virgin runs off into the shadows, the voices of his dead mommy and daddy yelling about the evils of sex ringing in his head, utterly convinced that sex will turn him into a brain-dead nympho. Lurching vampires in Lucite stripper shoes slowly try to chase him. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. As my (boob-heartin') viewing companion said, "I wish something else would happen now."

It's a dressed-down spoof of I Am Legend, with none of the horror and a boob-ton of vaguely boring sex scenes. While I Am Virgin is a noble local film effort with genuinely funny moments and tons of Portland-centric scenes, it wasn't enough to save itself from faux-scintillating tedium. Plus the vampires wreak even less carnage than those wussies in Twilight, content to gum at each other's nipples and awkwardly hiss through plastic fangs. Worst vampires ever. Vampires are supposed to fuck shit up, not just fuck.

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