GREETINGS FROM THE PAST, FUTURIAN! I am, I must admit, impressed—not only have you (in some sentient form) survived the Genophagic Plague of 2024, but you somehow have found the patience to read the Portland Mercury, a challenge to which few of us in the Dark Era of 2013 find ourselves equal. Or perhaps you are merely skimming through some crap on your way to see what freaks are in Savage Love this week? Fair enough! That's also how we read the Mercury, back in the Dark Era of 2013.
In the future, no doubt there's a wide array of hangover-free synthohols that have replaced our Dark Era's crude habits of having to "ingest" "alcohol" to "get shithoused"—so allow me to take you on a tour of what drinking was like "back in the day"! I can assure you, we will visit a varied, complete assortment of the finest drinking establishments the Portland of 2013 has to offer. I can also assure you it is utterly coincidental that all of them are—or, from your perspective, were—a mere five-minute walk from my place of employment!
Let us go get shithoused. Say, do you like betting?
The Rialto, 529 SW 4th, 7 minutes from Mercury offices
Ah, the Rialto! Established in 1920, the Rialto not only offers booze, but thanks to its off-track betting annex, a way to "make some scratch"—no small thing in troubled times such as these, when layabouts slouch along our urine-slicked streets and petroleum is worth more than gold. Things were harder for us in the past, you must realize; being able to make money while also having drinks close at hand? A rare thing, a beautiful thing.
So, have you guys invented time travel yet? Can you send me some money? I could use some money to bet on the ponies. How about you send back some money for me? To now. Thank you!
Kelly's Olympian, 426 SW Washington, 6 minutes from Mercury offices
Established in 1902, Kelly's Olympian is a Portland landmark and an excellent place to go if the kindly barkeeps at the Rialto have asked you to leave for "pitching a shit fit" about (A) the races not going that well, or (B) SOMEBODY from the FUTURE who's READING THIS maybe DIDN'T SEND BACK ANY MONEY even though they TOTALLY COULD HAVE. Thanks for nothing, pal.
Yamhill Pub, 223 SW Yamhill, 7.5 minutes from Mercury offices
In the fifth century, Horapollo's Heiroglyphica made the first attempt at translating Egyptian hieroglyphs. Similarly, should the scrawled-upon ruins of the Yamhill Pub still be in existence despite the future's meteor storms and vagrant wars, check them out! A fascinating history of—excuse me, I don't know, my buzz is starting to kick in? Did I ask you already about time travel? And money? Did you send any? Check out the walls, is what I was saying. You can see a ton of stuff written on here, names and drawings and phone numbers you can call to get blowjobs! It's like a history book, but on walls! And with blowjobs. Do you still have blowjobs in the future, or do you just "cyber"? Where do you want to go next! I think we should call this number.
Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash, 46 seconds from Mercury offices
No, fuck YOU! Sorry. These guys were looking at me when I came in here? It's not that this place can get rough, really, not if you can handle yourself, like I can. It's just that sometimes you have to stand up for yourself by locking eye contact and not looking away so people don't think you're a pussy. Primitive behavior by your standards, I assume? Yeah, well, SOME OF US don't have laser guns and shit. Some of us aren't SPOILED. I could fight you. I could beat you. The future has made you frail and weak. Hey, neat, they have Pac-Man here! Do you know what Pac-Men are, do they still have Pac-Men in the future, if not your missin' out
My Desk, Mercury offices
HERE WE ARE, FRIEND. REMEMBER... do you remember when you were going to send me money? Future money? So I could bet on the ponies? But then you didn't. Okay! SO this desk is full of stuff like neat toys and it's where I "write" and also I stopped at the place and got us a beer! Guess who cares if you drink on the job at the Mercury? No one! Everybody's just like, "Whoa check out THIS GUY in Savage Love this week." And... hey, here's an idea. Let's go bet on the ponies, brother! I don' thave any money. But what if... what if somebody reads what I write... in the future? And they have time travel? And when tey read this they can send us money from the future and then we can bet on the ponies! Let's do it!