Photo by Tim Gunther

FOOD NERDS need to get laid too. That's just a fact. However, courting (or being courted by) a gourmand, gastronome, or foodie can often be a disorienting exercise in sustained gluttony. There will likely be several meals out before the thought of sex is even entertained—eating being the primary pleasurable interest for those obsessed with cuisine.

One should not view these meals as simple opportunities for small talk and intoxicated flirting. On the contrary, a wealth of information can be gleaned from the restaurant choices or suggestions made by your date. Most importantly, it can indicate the quality, duration, and style of his or her lovemaking. Consider it like adding "in bed" to the end of your fortune cookie—except you're adding it the end of your check. It's the Foodie Sex Code, and it's revealed here in the pages of the Mercury for the very first time.

He suggests: Having your first date at Kenny and Zuke's Delicatessen (1038 SW Stark, 222-3354)

In bed: Your date likely spends an inordinate amount of time fantasizing about doing unspeakable things to pastrami sandwiches. Really, who can blame him? Those are some sexy sandwiches... all oozy and moist and... meaty. Anyway. You can expect the sex to be messy and you can expect a lot of it—maybe too much for one person. Bring extra napkins. As for anything being "bigger than your head," well...

She suggests: Ordering omakase at Tanuki (413 NW 21st, 241-7667)

In bed: Do you own a pair of handcuffs? If not, don't worry, because your date probably does. She's into the odd and unusual—obviously, if she's been eating pickled shark bones, lightning-hot filefish, and homemade kimchi. She's into submission... or maybe bondage. Lucky for you, you'll both be too hammered to know which is which. There is an enormous probability she will want one of you to dress up like a Japanese schoolgirl.

He suggests: Having dinner seated the communal table at Clyde Common (1014 SW Stark, 228-3333)

In bed: Let's just say he's community minded. It's possible your date might want more than the two of you to hop into bed. It's simply too much fun to have everyone else joining in! It's all about sharing; who cares what the neighbors hear (or see)? Still, you can expect the sex to be creative, satisfying, and unexpected by the way he presents it: a menu of basic things he will do, all in order, all in lower case.

She suggests: Stopping by the Cartopia food carts (SE 12th and Hawthorne) for a late-night bite

In bed: Well, it actually might not be a bed. After all, she's someone who enjoys things on the go. You might expect, when she starts getting frisky, that it'll happen in the backseat of her car. You might also make love standing up, outside, in the rain. It doesn't matter, because she'll have a seemingly endless variety of positions in her repertoire, each more delicious than the last—despite the fact she's the queen of the quickie.

He suggests: Having a steak and a glass of port at El Gaucho (319 SW Broadway, 227-8794)

In bed: How lucky are you? Prepare to be pampered. We're talking silk sheets, bedside champagne, imported specialty condoms dusted in saffron. The sky's the limit with this fella. The downside is, of course, that he'll expect exceptional service from you. After all, if he's been paying that much for his meat, he expects nothing but the best in the bedroom. But then again, maybe you've got an Indecent Proposal-type thing going on.

She suggests: Diving into the menu at Pok Pok (3226 SE Division, 232-1387)

In bed: It's likely that your experience will be slightly overwhelming. You'll be doing things that seem utterly foreign but have a hint of familiarity—kind of like eating a Southeast Asian-style chicken wing. The lovemaking (because that's what it will be) is going to be dreamy, dynamic, and hot as hell. She'll use her hands... a lot. And in the end you'll emerge with a dopey smile, craving seconds.

He suggests: An intimate dinner at Le Pigeon (738 E Burnside, 546-8796)

In bed: Get ready, because every inch of your body is going to be used! This is a guy who goes from snout to tail with a grand attention to detail. Toes? He's licking them! Elbows—he'll find some way to work them into the equation. Surprisingly, no matter where he lavishes his attention ("what the hell are you doing to my armpit?") you'll find it pleasant, if not downright ah-mazing!

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After a night of fucking and feasting with your favorite foodie, chances are you'll not only be hungry the next morning, you'll also be too tired to do things like measure ingredients. Lucky for you, John Gorham and his fiancée Renee Gray have an incredibly simple recipe that'll perk you up and get the blood flowing once again. The quantity of the main ingredients is based solely on what you have on hand, and your own personal tastes.

Morning-After Frittata

Bacon to taste

Brussel sprouts to taste

Onions to taste

Apples to taste

Spinach to taste

Parmesan cheese to taste

4 eggs

1 teaspoon sour cream

1 teaspoon salt

1 dash black pepper

Method:

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees. Begin frying bacon in a large cast iron (or other oven-safe) pan. Before bacon is fully cooked, add onions and brussel sprouts. Fry in bacon grease for a few minutes. Add apples and spinach. Cook for a few minutes more. While vegetables and bacon cook, whisk eggs with sour cream, salt, and pepper.

When the veggies and bacon are well cooked, pour egg mixture on top. Sprinkle with parmesan cheese and bake for 8-10 minutes. When done, the frittata should be totally set except for a quarter-sized portion in the center. Let cool on counter for another 10 minutes, then cut like pizza slices and serve.