TRON: LEGACY "Excuse me, Ms. Wilde? Mr. Cassano has a glowstick he'd like to give you."

EDITOR'S NOTE: Regular Mercury readers are no doubt familiar with Frank Cassano, author of "Frank Cassano's Imbecile Parade." An avid fan of the 1982 children's film Tron, Mr. Cassano rather forcefully insisted on attending the press screening of Tron: Legacy—a request we were happy to honor, so long as he agreed to answer a few friendly readers' questions about the film!

I am a moderator on and a collector of Tron memorabilia. Will this long-awaited sequel live up to my expectations?—Gary Foer, 42, SE Portland

That depends, Gary—do you think losing your virginity will live up to your expectations? Just as you should prepare yourself for prematurely ejaculating all over the poor woman you'll finally trick into acknowledging your genitals, you should brace yourself for the soul-withering shame you'll feel after watching Tron: Legacy, an insipid movie that exists solely to exploit the nostalgia of man-children such as yourself.—Frank Cassano

How are the effects? I bet it's gonna kick ass in 3D!—Ben Mailer, 17, Tualatin

Just like when you and your retard buddies saw Avatar after "hotboxing" marijuana in your mother's Subaru Outback, your drug-addled brain will "trip balls" thanks to Tron: Legacy's special effects. All but one effect, that is: The digitally de-aged Jeff Bridges. It is my deepest desire that this soulless, dead-eyed monstrosity "harshes your buzz" and sends you, screaming, into the custody of the local law enforcement officers to whom I've given your home address.—Frank Cassano

In 1982's Tron, Tron (Bruce Boxleitner) "fought for the users." Is Tron still fighting the good fight in Legacy?—Mike Rich, 26, NE Portland

First, you officious ass, no one gives two shit-squirts about that dickhole Bruce Boxleitner. Second, the only thing I can tell you about Tron: Legacy's incredibly boring and asinine plot is that it features "Quorra," a saucy little minx played by the scrumptious and nubile Olivia Wilde. Seductively stealing every scene she's in, Ms. Wilde wears an exquisitely skintight latex bodystocking throughout; in this critic's humble opinion, Ms. Wilde should receive several Academy Awards for her explosively arousing performance. She certainly caused this critic to "gush"!—Frank Cassano

Um, gross.—Sarah Stiven, 36, SE Portland

Holy shit, someone with a vagina is reading about Tron! Quick, someone call a real newspaper! They need to report on this!—Frank Cassano

It can't really be that bad, can it? I mean, I heard Daft Punk did the music for it....—James Kurtz, 19, NW Portland

Yes, shit for brains, it really is that bad. But far more importantly than whatever the fuck it is you're mumbling about, Tron: Legacy features the exhilarating 1983 Journey classic "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)." "Someday, love will find you!/Break those chains that bind you!/One night will remind you!/How we touched!/And went our separate ways!" Cram your daft punks up your ass, you whimpering imbecile. Back in the '80s, before you were born, people made things that weren't pieces of shit.—Frank Cassano