Artwork by Vinnie Neuberg

HEY, BUZZY! Yeah, you with the apple pipe. Get yourself real high on some chronic pot weed, and enjoy this game designed just for you canna-heads out there. It's fun and easy to play, so turn off that rerun of Adventure Time and call your friends! Hilarity ensues once the action starts, and it's fun for everyone (provided they are over 21 and don't get all paranoid and useless).

• Start with three decks of cards, shuffled together. One person is designated the "dealer," and they deal 26 cards each to all six players. All players take one bong hit.

• The person with the highest face card goes first. All players take one bong hit.

• Except that there will be three equally high face cards, because you are using three decks. So if more than one player gets the high face card, those players take TWO bong hits. All other players take one bong hit.

• The person with the lowest-value card rolls the dice. All players take one bong hit.

• That's right—dice. You're gonna need five pairs of dice. No, I don't know where you get dice. Same place you got the cards, I guess. Take one bong hit and chill.

• All players now add up the value of their 26 cards. Everyone takes a bong hit to deal with that. (Except for Meris, who is too stoned to perform basic math. That's great, Meris. Really great.) Then the people with a combined card value between 126 and 152 take one bong hit, and the players with a combined value between 153 and 220 take three bong hits, except if they rolled 24 or more.

• Oh shit! The dice! The lowest total value card holder rolls the dice, and gets to select any red card with a value of at least half, but no more than, two-thirds of the age of the person to their left, plus eight.

• No... wait... plus four. My bad. Take one bong hit.

• Now the person with the second-lowest face card rolls two pairs of dice, and if that added value is more than four, takes one bong hit. Unless their name starts with a K. Then they take... mmmmm... I dunno, two or three bong hits.

• The player with the lowest total card value rolls the dice. All players take one bong hit.

• The fifth person with the median value of their 26 cards totaling more than 126 but less than—

• GODDAMNIT MERIS! This is why we put the bong on the table, not on the couch! Meris, get a towel please? A TOWEL, Meris, from the BATHROOM. No, never mind, I'll just do it myself.

• Fill up the bong, reshuffle cards, and repeat.