SEX SCENES in romance novels are great for a little escape and quality time with Fabio, but for the sake of fantasy, writers always leave out the most important, juicy detail: the contraception! Nothing is less sexy than a baby accidentally winding up in your vagina, so we asked local writers to take a crack at penning 100-word safe-sex romance novel scenes.
Excerpt from My Summer of Beef, by B. Frayn Masters (writer, co-host of Back Fence PDX)
When Doug polished the Karmelkorn pots from just the right angle, he could see the tiny undulating muscles in Pam's taut arms from across the food court. Those strong arms plunged up and down on the lemon aquarium at Hot Dog on a Stick, pumping. He snuck over to her kiosk on his break. He pushed her behind the deep fryer, whispering "Let's get weird, Pammy." She nodded knowingly, bit the end off a corndog, and handily liberated the meat from its batter. Her hands slid the casing over his motivated missile. He fed her hungry lady maw over and over until a customer rang the service bell. By then, Doug had already serviced and rang Pam's bell.
Excerpt from Drill, Baby, Drill by Courtney Ferguson (Mercury staffer)
At the all-girls school of dentistry's annual spring fling, the dance floor was heating up between Emma, wearing only her blue X-ray apron, and buxom Darla whose scrubs strained against her curves. They escaped the crowd, laughing and groping and falling into the supply closet, where Emma sat back against the shelves, spread-eagled and lusty. Darla whistled, "Damn, girl... I mean, dental dam, girl," she giggled, as she pulled one off the shelf, setting out to explore Emma's love cavity.
Excerpt from Pandora's Hot Box by Eleanor O'Brien (artistic director of Dance Naked Productions)
With a mouth full of cock, I looked up to see my husband in the doorway to our bedroom. I blinked in greeting, unable to do more than grunt an unintelligible hello. "How's my baby?" he called out, stepping out of his pants to cross the room to high-five his best friend Brian.
"I had a feeling it was headed this direction," he chuckled, and popped an Altoid in my mouth and a VCF in my pussy, where it melted almost on contact. "Now she's ready!" he announced with a twinkle in his eye and a throb to his already stiffening member. "Minty fresh and fertile free!"
Excerpt from Love in the Time of Chlamydia by Whitney Streed (comedian and pun enthusiast)
He thrust himself into her harder and harder, getting closer, knocking her backward against the nightstand. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as her arm knocked a box off the stand and onto the floor: her birth control pills.
"Aren't those the birth control pills that were recalled?"
"Oh shit!" she cried, both at the news and at the deliriously pleasurable assault on her body. "You better just come on my tits!"
Excerpt from Fornication in Aisle Five by Pauls Toutonghi (whose real novel, Evel Knievel Days, will be published by Random House/Crown in July 2012).
Every Sunday morning at 7:30 am, he bought a single pack of them: Durex XXL, 9.5 inches long, 1.625 inches wide. Reliably, it was a quiet time in the store; she was always the only cashier. She dreamed of engaging him conversation.
"So," she'd say, with just the right level of ironic detachment, "you've got a massive dick?"
Or, whisper: "Want to fuck me in the break room, just this once?"
But she could imagine the shame of it—the truth of it—the dark, concealed, twin facts: (1) His tiny, tiny penis. And, (2) the closet in his bedroom, filled to bursting, stacked high with unused, unopened condom boxes.
In privacy, there is secret joy. In public, secret joy is shame.