What follows is a parody of the 467 documentaries that we have to screen and review every year here at the Mercury. It’s called PoolJumpers—and I have to admit… if it were real? I’d probably watch it, goddammit.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)