Yes, you’re beautiful. Yes, you rock oversized sunglasses. And yes, when the sun is bright I can see your eyes through those massive lenses and can see how, though your head is looking straight forward, your eyes are doing this really awkward sideways glance directly at me as you pass. What the hell is that? It’s so god damn strange to see.

I first noticed it happening a couple times at the tail end of last summer yet thought nothing of it, but now that the sun is out again in full force it happened twice last weekend and three times today. I can only assume you think your shades are more opaque than they really are and that your eyes can freely dart around without anyone noticing but you’re wrong, and it’s super creepy looking because I’m actually kinda fat and you’re probably looking at me in horror.

I was sitting on a bench outside of West Elm today and as you walked by sipping your Starbucks milkshake dessert thingy, your head aimed straight forward, I watched as your eyes veered right toward me and stayed locked on me the entire time you passed, head still straight forward. All I could think was a) that is too fucking bizarre and b) that must REALLY strain your eyes.

I suggest if you insist on this behavior you invest in some darker shades, or save your money for new gear at Anthropologie and just gawk at me directly. And if you’re actually enticed by the lump of fat and woe you’re looking at, just take off the shades and say hello. Thanks.

16 replies on “To the Pearl District girls in sunglasses”

  3. This is not unique to women or the Pearl District. Everyone in Portland does this coz they be some passive aggressive judgey-ass bitches. SIDE EYES FOR EVAH!

  4. Girls like big sunglasses, and no, not just the ones in the Pearl. No really. As for you being “kinda fat”….maybe she likes that, who knows. I have seen more heinously ugly potbellied dorks with cute girls in this town than anywhere else I have ever been. Or she could be a cannibal. You never really know. I would take it as a compliment, but not attend a “butchering class” with her if I were you.

  7. Could they be looking at you because you are staring into their eyes? Just a thought.

    Most importanlty, if you want to avoid horrible people, don’t hang out in the Pearl.

  10. Why’s it okay for you to stare directly at them? Did it occur to you that maybe that makes them uncomfortable, and they’re just keeping an eye on you in case you jump up and try to follow them?

  14. *yawn*

    What happened to giving strangers funny expressions when they look at you? Give em a nice fat raspberry. That’ll freak em real good and give you a laugh.

  16. socially inept neck beard gawks at a genetically superior individual and is confused as to why she tried to avoid eye contact. back of the bus fatty.

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