All Stupid Things…

TEAM MICHAEL SHEEN! Screw that crusty vampire and the shirtless werewolf. Sheen as ancient, insane vampire Aro is the wackiest part of the Twilight series—which is saying a lot, because a shit-ton of banana-balls happens. Like, say, a 100-plus-year-old falls in love with an awkward mess of a teenage lip-biter, sparkly vampires play baseball, sooooooo many werewolves, and, lest we forget the coup de grâce of ludicrous, the bedframe-destroying plowing that horny Edward gives Bella, which results in a demon baby that eviscerates its way out of her emaciated womb… only to have a grown-ass werewolf fall in love with the newborn on first sight. Twilight, you crazy! But Michael Sheen is the craziest!

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part 2 is (ostensibly) the last film of the lumbering, celibacy-promoting franchise. It picks up where 2011’s snoozy Part 1 left off, with the birth of baby vampire Renesmee and Bella’s transformation into a vampire. Everything’s looking rosy for annoying couple Bella and Edward, until ancient baddie Aro—ruler of the worldwide vampire league!—catches wind of their abomination of a baby. With maniacal giggles and scenery-chewing verve, Aro and his gang of supersparklers travel from Italy to Forks, Washington, to have it out with Bella and Edward. Gathering a crew of ally vampires, who display their superpowers whilst dressed in costumes depicting their nationality—the Seamus O’Vampires from Ireland are particularly hysterical—Part 2 feels like a clumsy X-Men offshoot.

Then the big square-off looms. But as any self-hating Twilight reader knows, there’s no goddamn battle in the book, just a long boring negotiation. But the Part 2 film crew does a nice bit of upending the climax, which was a pleasant surprise and shook up all the Twihards in the screening audience, even more so than when werewolf Jacob took off his shirt (at that, there were gasps galore). Even without the benefit of a dash of book-defying excitement and Michael Sheen’s unrepentant awesomeness, Part 2 is a superior film to its predecessor. Kristen Stewart has lost a bit of soppiness—having superpowers helps—and it’s actually kind of fun to watch her fly around the forest in a smart, business-casual dress. Plus, there’s no more stupid sexual tension between Edward and Bella—sure, they’re still annoying as fuck, but at least Edward’s sparkly blue balls have been put to rest. As for the werewolf/baby-love side plot, well… Part 2 manages to make the pervy sitch somewhat tasteful, except for weird side-glances between ab-packed Jacob and eight-year-old Renesmee. Yep, super tasteful!

Well, see ya later, Twilight. I can’t say you’ll be missed, but you were good for a laugh now and again. Much like Michael Sheen, I’d like to extend a maniacal giggle in your general direction.