It’s snowing! Snow and Portland enjoy a strange, wonderful relationship, and if you wish to celebrate the miracle of cold, puffy water falling slowly to the wet, unforgiving pavement in the way a real Portlander would, this is how you do it!
IF INDOORS:
Step 1: Lick the nearest window
Well, maybe don’t go so far as to lick it, but fly immediately to it, and press your face as close as you can to the cold glass, all while proclaiming some variation of the phrase “It’s snowing!” or “Snow!” or “Snuaah!” or “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.” This doesn’t have to be sustained for the length of the snowfall, give yourself rest periods back at your desk/couch before returning to the window to resume the excited vigil.
Step 2: Lick the nearest phone
Well, maybe don’t go so far as to lick it, but do exactly what you did to the window, but on your phone, preferably via your twitter or facebook accounts. The resultant effort should look something like this.
WHAT NOT TO DO:
Many of you reading this are here from places in the midwest, where flakes of crystallized water fall in amounts that would cause most Portlanders to completely seize up and keel over upon hearing tell of their legend. You will be tempted to indulge a minor amount of scoffing, sharing sentiments along the lines of “Oh, I’m from Minnesota, we don’t close anything unless there’s about two feet of snow on the ground, and even then, it doesn’t always happen.”
You will make it halfway through that sentence before someone from Portland farts on you. That is the penalty for daring to lord your Winter Weather expertise over the locals. You will be shunned for the rest of the day, for as long as the snow continues to fall. Do not remark upon the fact that none of it is sticking, either. Just be quiet and wait the 15 minutes for whatever is falling out of the sky to stop doing so. Their madness will recede after another 10 minutes, and they might even completely forget both your transgression and their flatulent response.
IF YOU ARE OUTSIDE:
If you are operating any vehicle containing wheels of any sort, make haste towards the nearest highway or freeway. A sufficiently busy street will also suffice. Immediately abandon your car in the middle of said thoroughfare. Do not bother to turn off the lights, or close any doors.
While walking away from your sacrificed motor carriage, you will be tempted to stride, as abandoning your car in the middle of the freeway seems like a badass thing to do. Do not stride. You will likely slip and bust your ass on the cold wet pavement, which will likely have zero snow on it to cushion your fall. Instead, employ a stooped, shuffling gait, and stare down at your feet as you scuttle slowly away from your car. This helps in that you are not noticing the legions of drivers who, panicked at the sight of miniature water pillows descending upon their windshield, are whipsawing their vehicle back and forth through the lanes, applying brakes as if they’re attempting to communicate the word “SNOOOOWWWWW” to the drivers behind them via brake-light morse code.
This sounds horrific and apocalyptic, but the real key to finishing the illusion is to constantly smile, with a childlike glimmer in your eyes (this can be practiced in your rearview mirror before abandoning the car) and if approaching another citizen, giggle-whisper the word “Snow!” at them, as if you can’t believe the gift bestowed upon us all.
Congratulations! Now you’re celebrating Winter in Portland like a real Portlander!
Next week, we’ll discuss what happens when an inch accumulates, the city shuts down, and you’re forced to use the public transit system like a fucking savage.
EEEEEEEEEEEEE aw man it stopped.
Wouldn’t a REAL Portlander be facing the snow on their bike? At least until it sticks, which it won’t.
Anything with wheels is to be abandoned in the center of the street. Anything.
Score some sporty cleated shoes at the thrift store for icein’.
Stop moving here. Problem solved. Anyone who has been here more than 2 years is not surprised by any of this. Unless they moved here from the shitty midwest or Montana. In which case I assume they will be fine
The only thing missing tho is IF it starts accumulating – the fine layer of ice that is under the top layer – and people who have SUV’s or 4 Wheel drive from places like the midwest or california – all think that since they have an all terrain vehicle – they can go 60 miles per hour at least until they hit the ice OR that They can make it down the hill without crashing like the other 20 cars before them…..then one of the inside people will be filming said pin ball machine made of cars plus hill and post it on the web and send it to news media where you can hear them laughing in the background saying oops – here comes another one – must be from out of state….LOL
it snowed? I couldn’t tell.
Commmmmmmme back small flakes of slushy snow. Commmmmmeeee bbaaaaaacccckk.
You forgot the part about:
“First, forget that you just moved here from Minneapolis where it snows all the fucking time. Pretend you have never seen the stuff.”
After that you did pretty good.
Isn’t there readily available snow just a few miles east? Just saying..
For those who laugh at those from the Northwest who take the day off when it snows. I say, it is our culture, get over it. We love to play!
Now if we could find a way to stay home on 75deg days….
~n
You forgot to mention that if you’re at home when it starts snowing, surely enough the local news crews (notably channel 8) will always point their cameras at some street in the west hills and watch cars careening down the hillside – from morning broadcast until night.
“You will make it halfway through that sentence before someone from Portland farts on you.” hahahahahahaha
Ok, I grew up in Portland but am currently living in Texas. In the region I live (because Texas is fucking huge & and has an absurd variety of climates) we DO get down to freezing level, but rarely have the precipitation at the same time to make snow. So when we do, all the locals freak out with unrivalled wonderment…it’s SO hard to not tell them it’s just sleet because I’ve had too many Minnesotans shit on my parade when I lived in Portland…I just can’t do that to innocent people.
People in Portland are weepy vaginas when it comes to snowfall.
I don’t like arguing on the internet or anything, but for every person that posts about snow, my feed has 2 or 3 people complaining that people are posting about snow. To be fair I am friends with a lot of joyless pricks.