EVERY YEAR, we drag out last year’s glad rags, throw back some Jell-O shots, kiss our best friend at midnight, and try not to puke while standing. And this year will be absolutely no different! You just need to find the right spot with champagne and “handsome” strangers. Here are some of your best options:
Caleb Klauder Country Band!—Hands fucking down this is the best New Year’s Eve shindig you’ll find in Stumptown tonight! Go watch the honky-tonk shenanigans of the boot-tootin’ Caleb Klauder Country Band at the awesome Spare Room. Wear your rhinestones and your best white cowboy hat! It’s about to get real… real country. CF
The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd, 9 pm, $15
Charlie FM ’80s Party—Nothing celebrates “2013” like “1982.” Charlie FM is hosting a huge party with Tommy Tutone, ’80s tribute band the Poor Sports, two floors of dancing, DJs, food, drinks, and the standard midnight champagne toast. After hearing “867-5309” for the 8,675,309th time, you’ll be wondering whose balls are dropping—the ones on the ceiling or your own. RF
Tiffany Center, 1410 SW Morrison, 7:30 pm, $99-139
Chocolate! Bubbles!—Trust sweetmongers Pix Patisserie to throw a fête worth getting drunk for. Join ’em at their new location for champagne sabering (slashing at bottles with swords!), a six-foot flowing bubbly tower, confetti, free chocolate buffet when you buy a bevy, chestnut roasting, 300+ sparkling wines on hand, and sweet tunes from DJ Action. CF
Pix Patisserie, 2225 E Burnside, 10 pm, FREE
Over the Hilton—The Hilton is hosting its annual Champagne Ball, equipped with ’80s bands and DJs, three dance floors, go-go dancers, and people that weren’t alive during the ’80s. RF
Hilton Portland and Executive Tower, 921 SW 6th, 8 pm, $89-129
Video Dance Attack—Don’t have enough cheddar in your pocket to dance like an ’80s music-loving rich person tonight? Don’t seethe in silence. Dance it out at the always fun Video Dance Attack, which is taking their music video projections out of Lola’s Room to get expando at the Wonder Ballroom. CF
Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 9 pm, $17-20
Bass Odyssey—If you like going to really loud 18+ raves at the Oregon Convention Center, this will be the best… until next year. RF
Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE MLK, 7 pm, $35-61, 18+
Storm Large—If you haven’t gotten enough of Storm Large, here’s your chance for another round of music and theatrics. RF
Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, Sun Dec 30, 8 pm, $50, all ages, Mon Dec 31, 10 pm, $75, 21+
“Best Option” at Rotture—From Onuinu’s disco-hop rhythm to DJ Fatboy’s E-40 cuts, your booty won’t have shaken so hard since your best friend dropped a slug down your pants in the 3rd grade. What better way to cover up the wounds of childhood than with some nasty freak-dancing to fat beats? RFw/Reva DiVito, Stewart Villain, TxE, and more; Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, 9 pm, $15 ($10 before 10 pm)