Credit: LJUPCO SMOKOVSKI/SHUTTERSTOCK
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  • LJUPCO SMOKOVSKI/SHUTTERSTOCK

1. Don’t hit someone in the face with your umbrella. Be aware of your umbrella’s edges at all times. When walking down a busy sidewalk, lift the umbrella up to allow others to pass under it safely. Others reserve the right to yell UMBRELLA! very loudly at anyone who does not do this.

2. Do not hold up pedestrian traffic to open or close your umbrella. Not even for a second! I know, I know, it’s raining, but get the fuck out of the way.

3. Do not use your smartphone while carrying an umbrella. What!? Seriously?! Yes. If you’re looking down at your phone—texting, e-mailing, whatever—you’re not paying attention to your surroundings and you’re not making sure that you won’t be smacking someone in the eye with the pointy bits of your umbrella. If you want to carry an umbrella, you’ve got to sacrifice your tweeting.

4. Don’t shake the water off your umbrella around other people. C’mon, man, that’s just rude. (YET IT HAPPENED TO ME ON THE BUS THIS MORNING.)

And here’s another idea: I propose that the city hand out buttons for people to pin on every person who hits them with their umbrella. When someone collects 10 pins, they lose umbrella privileges for the season. If it’s a tourist who collects 10 pins, they are BANNED FROM PORTLAND FOREVER.

Have any other suggestions for the umbrella carriers? Hopefully we can get through the wet season without someone losing an eye.

Megan Seling is the culture editor of Seattle's The Stranger, and the snack expert at Snack and Destroy.

12 replies on “Now That We’ve Entered Umbrella Season, Here’s Some Umbrella Etiquette to Consider”

  2. How long does it take someone living in Portland before you just suck it up and stop with the giant retractable rain deflector nonsense? Get a good coat and maybe a hat. There. You’re fine. It’s just water.

  3. Golf umbrellas belong on the golf course. No exceptions.

    If I see you on the streets of downtown using a golf umbrella, I will take it from you, collapse it, then open it inside your ass.

  5. If you grew up in the Pacific NW, you know the rain walk. Head (with hat, preferably) tilted down, moving briskly forward at a slight angle.

    Ladies (or fellas) with fancy up-dos, feel free to wield an umbrella.

  6. Nothing made me appreciate Portland’s lack of umbrellas more than going to the most populated and touristy area of London on a rainy summer weekend last month. FUCK I HATE UMBRELLAS

  9. If a sidewalk is partially, but not fully, covered by an awning then umbrella-carriers should walk in the rain and leave that area for the rest of us. It’s no fun being displaced out into the rain by an umbrella person.

  10. Don’t let the umbrella-haters get you down. As friendly as Portlanders usually are, they are infuriated by how insanely uncool umbrellas are. Don’t try to logic with them about how umbrellas are useful, just keep them out of their faces.

  11. For god sakes walk in a straight line and don’t willy nilly veer off course without making sure someone isn’t behind or next to you.

    Fuck it, that applies equally to non-umbrella people.

  12. All this rain gives you a sweet ass excuse to buy a $500 rain jacket that you could wear to the bottom of the Marianas Trench without getting wet.

    Umbrellas are so 1875. What’s next, my dear fellow? A dainty parasol to keep the wretched sun from blistering me lady’s milky white alabaster skin?

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