MONDAY, AUGUST 21
If the Lord allows kegs of rum in the afterlife, then heaven has another angel
this week. Last night, Milt Sosin, the 92-year-old indefatigable journalist
from Miami was delivered to that big newsroom in the sky. A classic old school
journalist, Milt did whatever it took to get the story first. Before cell
phones–when reporters would rush out of the courtroom to pay phones and dictate
stories to their editors–Wilt would slap yellow “out of order” stickers on each
booth. At the age of 80, Milt was still hard at work, breaking the story that
Manuel Antonio Noriega had been running his royal palace as a clearinghouse for
Panama blow. And just last week, while hooked up to an oxygen tank and on the
brink of death, he still had enough energy to call the Associated Press with his
latest story. Our favorite anecdote? Once, an editor told Wilt he could no longer
keep his bottle of rum at work. In no uncertain terms, Wilt let the editor know
that if the rum went, so did he. (Note to editors: We learned from the
best; the tequila stays!) Rest well, dear friend.


TUESDAY, AUGUST 22
As One Day reported earlier this month, Police Chief Kroeker’s new rule
banning long hair on officers hasn’t been sitting well with the rank and file.
Officer Dave Barrios argued his long hair was part of his Native American
heritage. Unfortunately for Barrios, Chief Kroeker came up with a hilarious
compromise: Barrios could keep his long hair–as long as he wears it in a
BUN. Today was Barrios’ first day on the job with the bun, and after being
relentlessly teased by the other officers, Barrios isn’t happy. “For now, my
hair is up in a bun,” he said. “But this isn’t over until I get to wear it the
way I want to.” While One Day empathizes with Officer Barrios’ plight,
we think he should give the bun a chance. There are many products that can make
the most of his new bun, such as Topsy-Tail™, Hairdini™, and an invention that
seems tailor-made for Barrios’ predicament–the Whirl-a-Bun™. Whirl-a-Bun™
allows women and men to live active, relaxed life-styles by combining ease,
beauty, and versatility. Use Whirl-a-Bun™ products in any setting: rock-climbing,
Hollywood parties, business meetings, weddings, or just weekends in front of
the fireplace. Whirl-a-Buns™ hold the hair fabulously! And without bothersome
pins! Just give it a try, Officer Barrios. We guarantee you’ll learn to love
your bun! [www.whirl-a-bun.com]


WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23
America collectively screamed today when a white, tubby, gay guy won one million
smackers in the final episode of Survivor. Rich (also known as Machiabelly)
flattered, lied, and duped his fellow-castaways to defeat the extremely boring
Kelly by one tribal vote. However, the truly historic aspect of the show was
Sue’s vicious monologue against Kelly in the show’s closing moments. One
Day is pleased to print some of the more entertaining excerpts of Sue’s
tirade: “Kelly: You will not get my vote–my vote will go to Richard. And if
I ever pass you in life again, and you were lying there, dying of thirst, I
would not give you a drink of water. Let the vultures take and do what they
want with you. I plead to the jury to think about the island we’ve been on,
and remember it’s full of two things: snakes and rats. We have Richard the Snake,
who knowingly went after his prey, and Kelly the Rat who ran from the snake.
I feel we owe it to the island spirits to let it be in the end the way Mother
Nature intended it. For the Snake to eat the Rat.”

Reached for comment, Mother Nature said, “Fine. Richard the Snake can eat Kelly the Rat, but will somebody please give Sue a Midol?”


THURSDAY, AUGUST 24
The first Survivor-related fatality was reported today when a 71-year-old
Portland man was killed by police after he refused to let a technician disconnect
his cable TV–coincidentally on the night of the Survivor finale. According
to an AT&T official, one of their technicians was attempting to disconnect the
man’s service, when the man threatened to get his gun. The technician returned
to his van, drove a few blocks away, and called 9-1-1. After the officers responded
to the call, the technician claims he heard arguing, and four shots ring out.
According to a police spokesman, no officers were injured, and only one fired
his weapon (this officer has since been placed on paid leave pending the investigation).
They would also not confirm whether the 71-year-old man was holding a weapon
when he was killed. On behalf of One Day, we hope AT&T is satisfied with
their new method of collecting overdue payments.


FRIDAY, AUGUST 25
Ralph Nader made an appearance tonight at Memorial Coliseum. To properly
mark this historic occasion, One Day has penned the following poem, entitled:

Haiku Ode To Ralph Nader*

Nader lifts a fist
the crowd is a wet summer
yard green and growing fast

* Have you written a sestina about McCain? A sonnet about Steve Forbes? One Day is always interested in reading poems about quixotic political hopefuls. We won’t run it, but we’ll sure as heck pass it around the office!


SATURDAY, AUGUST 26
In an astounding turn of events, it appears that the media has acted irresponsibly.
Bloomberg News reported Friday morning that the CEO of Emulex,
a fiber-optics company, had resigned. The report was picked up by dozens of
news outlets and led to all sorts of hand-wringing and plummeting stock prices
across the Nasdaq. Trouble was, the report wasn’t true. The CEO of Emulex had
not resigned and was at that very moment playing golf, or fucking his secretary,
or doing whatever fiber-optics executives do. Seems that someone had faked a
press release, and the kids at Bloomberg hadn’t bothered to make a follow-up
call. However! After consulting contacts at our Washington DC sister paper,
The Capital Nickel Ads, One Day now believes that the press release
wasn’t faked, and that Emulex faked the “fakiness” of the press
release in order to recover its stock prices. Note: Despite any doubt you may
have as to the integrity of these pages, we still recommend that you believe
everything you read in the Mercury, as this makes us, generally, much
less annoying.


SUNDAY, AUGUST 27
And speaking of Bloomberg News, they reported today that an “employee who threw
the wrong switch” at the Coors Brewing Co. inadvertently spilled over
77,500 gallons of beer into a Colorado river. The event throws doubt
on the commonly accepted premise that Coors is water, as the beer was
potent enough to kill thousands of fish who apparently drank themselves to death
in a Dionysian frenzy. The Colorado Department of Public Health has warned residents
to stay away from the area, due to a “small bacterial risk,” though we speculate
they are just trying to stave off the inevitable caravans of big-gutted yahoos
in sports caps who are undoubtedly flocking to the area in an effort to suck
down as much free silver bullet as possible.

Send your haikus and hot tips to ann@portlandmercury.com