I’m an 18-year-old straight girl who’s pretty new to sex, and I’ve been having a lot of trouble staying aroused. I’ll be with my boyfriend and I’ll be really turned on and not at all stressed; but if either of us touches my clit for more than a few seconds, it starts to feel too intense and I get uncomfortable and feel like we have to stop everything. If I force myself to keep going, I completely dry up and just feel kind of awful.
We’ve had sex a few times without any stimulation of that kind and it feels kind of pleasant, which is a shit descriptor for sex with your amazing boyfriend. He’s had a serious girlfriend before me and she never had any trouble like this, so I don’t think he’s somehow doing it wrong.
I’ve tried masturbating quite a few times and have experimented with sex toys, but no matter what I try the same thing happens: I’ll be feeling turned on, but then if I try and take it to the next level I completely shut down. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong! We’re both getting frustrated by the whole thing as well—my boyfriend and I have been trying to get me to come for nearly two months—which really doesn’t help things either.
Can’t Let It Transpire
My response after the jump…
My first recommendation: Get your hands on Dr. Debby Herbenick’s books, CLIT. She’s a research scientist at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute, a frequent “Savage Love” guest expert, and the author of several books that you will find helpful. I would particularly recommend picking up Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva and Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
My second recommendation: Give yourself a break. “It feels kind of pleasant” isn’t an orgasm, I realize, but it’s a good base on which to build. Keep enjoying the sex you’re having and stop doing what you know doesn’t work—namely, direct stimulation to your clit. You’ve probably heard sex advisors repeat “Pay attention to the clit!” and “Most women require direct, focused clitoral stimulation to the clit in order to climax!” a million times. We repeat that over and over because almost all women do require that sort of attention/stimulation in order to climax. But some women find direct, intense clitoral stimulation unpleasant—it’s too much, too intense, their clits are too sensitive, it turns them off and shuts them down.
You may be one of those women, CLIT. If so, indirect stimulation of the clit may work better for you; indirect clitoral stimulation is most likely responsible for the pleasant feelings you’ve experienced during vaginal intercourse with your boyfriend. But it can take your body sometime to acclimate, to find a groove, to figure out when to bear down and when ease up. Take the pressure off, give your body the time and space it needs, and “kind of pleasant” can turn into “HOLY FUCKING SHIT I’M COMING” all by itself.
I also think you should give masturbation and toys another shot, CLIT, but not with the goal of becoming orgasmic for your boyfriend’s pleasure. Do it for your own pleasure. Stop trying to rush things—stop trying to hustle things along “to the next level”—and just relax into the sensations and enjoy them without putting pressure on yourself to come.
And, again, you should read Debby’s books!
UPDATE: Dr. Herbenick read today’s SLLOTD and writes…
And if her bf is near her age, he may be being rough with her clitoris. My recollection (and that of most of my friends) is that 18-24 year old boys treat the clit like an xbox (well, it was an Atari in our day) rather than a sensitive body part. They fumble around hard & it hurts! And all that stuff about his ex…
Maybe she liked his touch, maybe not. Another possibility: he’s too rough & his ex (like many 17 & 18 year old women) didn’t feel like she could tell him to stop or how to do it any better. It takes time! It takes practice! It takes feeling like your pleasure matters!
Your advice about going with “pleasant” for now is spot on, Dan! You are pretty good to vulvas even though they’re not your thing!
Debby
