HUMP!—the Mercury‘s annual amateur porn festival, featuring hilariously sexy and hot five-minute videos made by dirty birds just like YOU—is upon us! It all goes down November 12-16 at Cinema 21… but rest assured, every one of these screenings WILL SELL OUT (because they always do!). For a full schedule of showings and to buy tickets, go to portlandmercury.com/hump. And to wet your whistle, here’s a list of the films that’ll be playing this year. Come celebrate HUMP!’s 10-year anniversary! A decade of amateur porn! MADE BY YOU!
THE FILMS OF HUMP! 2014!
NO ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS: Tattooed lady has dinner party and serves too much wine, causing non-tattooed guy to spend night on couch—only to be awakened with black coffee and a dizzying amount of hot hetero sex!
GARDEN PARTY: A wee widdle penis-rabbit, a wee widdle penis-bear, and a wee widdle penis-snake attend a garden party!
HUMPARAOKE: Attractive people sing karaoke and somehow end up in a big, naked shower orgy—lip synching into a Hitachi Magic Wand!
TARNISH: An adventurous lesbian couple keeps their relationship exciting with a new (and novel!) roleplaying scenario!
I AM 12 AND WHAT IS THIS?: Finding your parents’ porn stash can blow your brain to bits!
A DAY IN THE WIFE: These two are barely speaking to each other—but they’re doing each other in all sorts of crazy ways in their imaginations!
THE WORLD’S BEST HAND JOB: A pair of pretty manicured lady hands (called “The Twins”), face the challenge of a lifetime—battling one of the softest cocks ever to hit a big screen!
THE FIRST TIME: A beautiful Technicolor lesson in cosmic lovemaking! Complete with pizza!
SUNDAY: Hey, heteros—there’s really nothing better to do after a trip to the Sunday farmers’ market than make sweet, sweet love… for hours, in tasteful black-and-white!
TUESDAY: Hey, gay boys—there’s really nothing better to do on a boring Tuesday night than turn your butthole into a real live clown car!
THE SOUND OF PORN MUSIC: A porny sing-along with some kinky nuns! A thousand times gayer than the original musical!
JUST FUCKING: Three extremely attractive men just fuck! In arty black-and-white!
A MATCH MADE IN APP HEAVEN: Two young and horny strangers beta test a new smartphone app!
RUBE: A book called Rube—plus a handful of LUBE—triggers a chain reaction you won’t believe!
THE GLORY HOLE: Grab a Kleenex, ’cause this real love story from San Francisco will bring a big gay tear to your eye!
FIRE ESCAPE: Two women have hot sex on the fire escape of an apartment building—in TASTEFUL BLACK-AND-WHITE!
THE CALLER, PART II: Why order a pizza when you can call a sex worker?
BOX CONQUER: Move over Mike Tyson—these ladies fight diiiiirty in the boxing ring—well, that is until one is penalized for a move called the “pussy wedgie.”
THE GROCER: You’ll never gaze at a purple grape or a bright orange carrot the same way again!
CINDERFELLA: One of the world’s best loved fairy tales gets a magical, sparkly, ass-eating makeover!
Many HUMP! screenings are already sold out! Don’t miss the opportunity to see the sexiest, funniest, scream-iest show everyone else will be talking about for days!
GET YOUR TICKETS NOW FOR HUMP! 2014!
I was in Humparoke and we were actually all singing during the final scene–no lip-synching! 🙂 The guy singing the karaoke song at the end is the actual vocalist on the karaoke track. Anyone who goes to Chopsticks on a regular basis knows this is true. Hehe
So what you’re telling me is that I get to see your titties…
Loved D&D Orgy, I’m sure this will be spectacular.
SALUTATIONS!
BLESSINGS TO ALL THAT MIGHT READ THIS. HOWEVER, IT DISAPPOINTMENTS TO MAKE SUCH A PRESENTATION TO AN ESTABLISHMENT OF NORMALLY HIGH ACCOLADES. THIS KIND OF SLUTTY DEBAUCHERY, REFERRING TO HUMP (AN ACT OF DOGS), IS WHY YOUR GOING TO BURN IN A REPUBLICAN RUN DISTOPIA. PORN IS CONSIDERED CONTRABAND AND FORBIDDEN OUTSIDE THE REALMS OF HEAVEN, HELL, OR MY APARTMENT, AS DELINEATED IN ARTICLE 5, SECTION G, PREAMBLE 48.3 OF “THE PROCLAMATION OF HUMAN DIVINITY DISCLOSURE TO THE PUBLIC”. EXCEPT JESUS CRISTO MARTINEZ AS YOUR LANDLORD & SAVOR AND BEG FOR DEBT FORGIVENESS. HE SENT ME AN INSTANT MESSAGE. SO I, HIS PROFIT, HAVE DECLARED A JIHAD ON ALL NON-PROFITS FALSELY CLAIMING UNHOLY RIGHTEOUSNESS AND ILLEGAL TAX EXEMPT STATUS. JOIN Our MILITIA OF STRONG MEN AND/OR HARUM OF LOVELY BEAUTIES SO THAT WE MAY GO FOURTH, MULTIPLY AND DIVIDE THE WORLD!!!!!
HAYELEYOUYAH AND HAKUNA MATATA!
Sin-serely,
Dr. PORKEE D. “PROFIT” GUTIERREZ-STEINBORG, XIIII, PhD; OBGYN, Esq.
Anyone know the name of the song used in “No Artificial Sweeteners?” With my phone off I couldn’t just Shazam that shit. 😉
The song in No Artificial Sweeteners is my band! It’s called In Michigan and we wrote it under a different band name, but we go by Those Willows now. Thanks for asking @Brian Reeves! You can check out our other music at thosewillows.bandcamp.com
Awesome! It sounded so great on the big screen, and I think it helped me pick “No Artificial Sweeteners” as my favorite in the show. Gonna go check it out. Thanks for the link.
Thanks so much!! We are uploading In Michigan to thosewillows.bandcamp.com right now and you can download it there. We’re gonna go check out the show tonight, can’t wait.
Just bought it on iTunes. It must be surreal to hear your own song on the big screen, especially while someone’s having sex to it. 😉
Music was also used to great effect in the Fire Escape submission, “Black Sail” by Chastity Belt. Both reminded me of music videos, especially that one.
Have fun!