- ARTWORK BY DAVID PEREZCASSAR
LAST YEAR SUCKED for a lot of people. I enjoyed it because life is a kick-ass, toe-tapping good time in every way for me—but I feel you if you had a bad year. I can’t fix it, but maybe together we can work toward a better oh-15 by banning some of the dumbest things from oh-14. As I’ve done every year for an impressive one year in a row, I’ve compiled a list of things I don’t want to see again in the coming 12 months.
Regal Cinemas’ Roller Coaster
It makes no fucking sense. Why is the popcorn so big and why is it popping in space? How is the camera inside the ride when it starts, but outside at the end—even though we’re clearly in a closed car? What the fuck is the track attached to? Is it like Mario Kart’s Rainbow Road, where we just fall off and die? Why are you telling me there are refreshments in the lobby like I haven’t been to any form of entertainment since the 1800s? We already have to watch 15 minutes of ads before the movie starts—can we please just skip the ride?
“Vaping”
By themselves, I have nothing against these steampunk indoor cigarettes; it’s fun watching people puff vapor into the air like weird land whales. But we’ve got to find a better name for the activity than “vaping.” The Oxford English Dictionary made vape their Word of the Year—which is proof alone that it’s annoying and needs to go. Last year it was “selfie,” because the OED is obviously trolling us. (Possible alternates: smuffing, emitting, getting steamed, or chasing the dorky dragon.)