WHAT IS THE PURPOSE of giving holiday gifts–truly?
Some may postulate that the gift one receives directly reflects the feelings
held by the person doing the giving. However! If this is indeed the case, then
why, may I ask, did my own sister give me tube socks for Christmas last year?
Other than the time when I was nine years old and shoved her face-first into 10
inches of wet cement, I’ve always felt my sister and I have enjoyed an emotionally
distant, yet loving relationship. And still, I get tube socks.
Please. Don’t make the callous, hurtful mistake my very own flesh and blood
made. While my sister may be happily oblivious to the mental anguish she inflicted
upon my fragile psyche with those stupid, fucking tube socks–you are smarter
than she is. Way smarter. And the reason why you’re smarter is because you KNOW
that your gifts should not only signify the love you have for that person, but
should also reflect on a deep, even cellular level, who that person is.
For example, let’s say that the person on your gift-giving list is… ohhhh…
I don’t know. A television lover. Are you going to buy that person a new television?
Hell, NO! And it’s because a new television is a gross misrepresentation of
the actual person (and besides, you don’t love them that much!). A television
is merely the messenger by which the television lover gets what they really
need–the actual television shows. So to give someone a new television is like
giving a pizza-lover a Domino’s delivery boy (which is only okay if he happens
to be sexy).
See, what the television-lover really wants, needs and lusts after is…
television merchandise. And not those stupid Frasier coffee mugs, or ER mouse
pads either! If you really love your television-lover, then you’ll buy him/her
the memories he/she could never afford as a child. The Punky Brewster Tea Set.
Pee-Wee Herman’s Billy Baloney ventriloquist doll. Or maybe even the following
neato items...
TRANSFORMER™ ACTION FIGURES!
Nothing says, “Aww, man! That’s fuckin’ AWESOME!” like action figures from the early ’80s cartoon, The Transformers. These “robots in disguise”
may come from another planet, but they fit in just fine, as they can “transform”
into cars and trucks to jam up our already clogged freeways! Billy Galaxy’s
on Burnside has a wide variety of these terrific ‘bots, including Megatron,
Hot Rod, Bumblebee, and (my personal fave) Optimus Prime. Down with the Decepticons!
Available at: Billy Galaxy, 912 W Burnside
Price: $13 to (wow!)
$297
DAYS OF OUR LIVES DISH TOWELS
If you’re anything like me, you love sitting on that big, fat juicy-fruit and
watching you some Days of Our Lives. In fact, sometimes I’ll spend so
much time watching video-taped re-runs of Days, that I’ll develop open
seeping wounds on my delicate, flattened bottom. But help is on the way, thanks
to Days of our Lives Dish Towels! Handsomely embossed with the
Days‘ hourglass logo, these fringed terry cloth cotton hand towels practically
scream, “Would Caroline Brady let her sink fill up with crusty, egg-covered
dishes? Get up, loser! There’s chores to be done!”
Available at: www.soapoperastore.com
Price: $2.95
SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN ACTION FIGURE AND PONCHO
Now the Six Million Dollar Man action figure is great, because not only
does he sport a sexy all-denim jumpsuit, but he can also lift an engine block,
and he has a really weird “bionic eye.” In fact, there’s a hole in the back
of his head where you can peek through the bionic eye, and see people
without their clothes on! (Okay, not really, but wouldn’t it be great?)
For the more pragmatic Bionic Man-lover in your life, perhaps you should buy them the Six Million Dollar Man Poncho. Made out of bright yellow 100% vinyl, this heavy-duty poncho wipes clean with a damp cloth, has a great picture of Steve Austin in action, and says, “Hey, I may not have bionic powers, but at least I’m not getting rained on, asshole!”
Six Million Dollar Man Action Figure: Billy Galaxy, 912 W Burnside
Price: $35
Six Million Dollar Man Poncho: Dr. Tongue’s 3-D House of Collectible
Toys, 1408 E Burnside
Price: $25
THE DEAN MARTIN CELEBRITY ROAST VHS TAPE
Remember when getting super drunk or beating your wife was hilarious? Well,
revisit those rib-tickling days of yesteryear with The Best of the Dean
Martin Celebrity Roasts. Honored guests like Jackie Gleason, Lucille
Ball, and Johnny Carson are endlessly insulted on a deep, personal level by
celebrity pals such as Don Rickles, Ruth Buzzi, Jonathan Winters, and the king
of drunken comedy, Foster Brooks. It’s the perfect gift for those who like to
tell “My wife is so stupid” jokes, or insult the size of their boss’ penis.
Available at: www.buyitontheweb.com
Price: $9.95 (for a limited time only)
