GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! No, you’ll never change her, so leave it, leave it. Get out quick ’cause seeing is believing. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

Greenpeace activists are dangling from the St. Johns Bridge to stop a Shell oil ship from passing! Check out the Mercury news team report… and is it just me or did you also immediately think of those dildos that are hanging from powerlines around town? (I’m not comparing activists to dildos.)

Well, the New Yorker is at it again, with yet another story about how the Pacific Northwest and PORTLAND IN PARTICULAR is fucked when the earthquake and tsunami hits. Hey New Yorker! Earthquake porn is our turf!

The beloved James Allen—most famous for entertaining local kids for decades as Rusty Nails the Clown—is dead at the age of 87.

And in case you missed it yesterday, Gov. Kate Brown gives the A-OK for medical dispensaries to sell cannabis to adults starting in October.

Fresno, California’s trans community is up in arms that the police is not classifying the murder of a transgender woman as a hate crime.

According to Afghan officials, Taliban leader Mullah Omar—who sheltered Osama bin Laden before the 9/11 attacks—has died. (Though this rumor has been floated around before.)

Two suspects have died in Houston police custody in the last 10 days… which is kind of a problem, don’t ya think?

Hundreds of migrants in France have made two attempts to storm the “chunnel” that crosses the English channel, and authorities in both countries are beginning to panic.

The Boy Scouts wishy-washy solution to allow some gay leaders into some of their troops has pleased no one, which means they’re now under attack from religious fundamentalists and gay rights groups.

Here are the latest really fucking stupid things that Donald Trump has said. (Collect all 3, 454!)

Meathead quarterback Tom Brady boo-hoo-hoos over the NFL’s decision to uphold his suspension. OH BOO-HOO-HOO!

Now here’s what’s going on in your neck of the woods: THE HOT IS BACK. Expect 96 degrees today, and 99 tomorrow!

And finally, this hot weather deserves a new hot sport! BEHOLD: KIDDIE POOL KICKBALL. (Where kiddie pools are the bases, and slip ‘n’ slides are the baselines!)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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