MONDAY MARCH
19
It’s another new week, and that means another group of dumbshits are proposing
a law that would post the Ten Commandments in public schools. Never mind
that God has publicly admitted he was drunk when he wrote them (especially
the one about “coveting your neighbor’s ass”–ouch!), that didn’t stop a room
full of dumbshits who tried yet again to persuade the Senate Education Committee to move forward with this deeply dumbshit idea. According to one teacher at Cleveland
High, conditions have gone from “difficult to practically chaotic” without the
Ten C’s, noting that students now come to class with pierced body parts, tattoos,
“symbols of anarchy” and (a particular favorite of One Day) “a captivation
with the perverse.” But perhaps Salem resident Michael Marsh said it best when
he noted that “the government expelled God from schools and replaced him with
Uzis, cocaine and condoms.” While a vote on this subject will take place
later, it’s nice to know Oregon will have an ample supply of qualified applicants
when casting eventually takes place for the town elders in Footloose II.

TUESDAY MARCH
20
If you like Starbucks, and you like Bovine Growth Hormone (BGH),
you may soon be out of luck. Due to pressure from another activist group (Organic
Consumers Association of blah, blah, blahdy-blah-blah), Starbucks has decided
to give their customers a choice: organic milk extracted from the pristine
teats of cows raised on hippie communes, or moo-juice complete with BGH, which
we’re pretty sure is the source of that tumor on our side that has mysteriously
grown both hair and teeth. And since roughly 90% of the milk we drink does have
hormones, expect a new price range for the coffee as well–a regular Starbucks
latte brimming with BGH: $2.25. The new improved latte filled with wholesome
unadulterated creamery: $95,682.37. Want to make that a grande?

WEDNESDAY MARCH
21
And who says college kids don’t care about anything other than blowing dope
and banging sorority girls? Today, nearly one hundred chanting students at Brown
University formed human chains around the school newspaper’s offices, demanding
that they remove a full-page advertisement. Denouncing that black Americans
should be recompensed for past injustices, the ad claimed that white Christians
ended slavery and therefore black Americans owe them for the freedom
and prosperity they now enjoy. The ad was taken out by David Horowitz,
a conservative author in Los Angeles, who tried to run similar ads at 47 other
college papers. All but three refused. Speaking with the New York Times,
Horowitz said that university campuses suffer from a prevailing orthodoxy that
treats conservative views and those expounding them like toxic waste.
He went on to call the protesters “campus fascists.” Interestingly, Horowitz
is a former editor for Ramparts magazine, a leftist publication from
the Vietnam era. However, he turned away from his liberal roots after a friend
of his was murdered by the Black Panthers. See? Apparently you can teach
an old racist new tricks.

THURSDAY MARCH 22
Twenty tons of antiquated Russian technology smashed into the Earth today, when
the accident-prone Mir space station was finally allowed to plunge into
the Pacific Ocean after 15 years of service. Mir was the biggest man-made object
ever to fall from space, hurtling downward with enough speed to smash through
six feet of reinforced concrete. Luckily for the Russian space agency, who took
out a $200 million insurance policy “just in case,” the descent went
as planned and the debris landed without causing harm to anyone.

OR DID IT?

Is it merely coincidence that on the same day Mir hit the Earth, scaffolding alongside the red carpet for Sunday’s Academy Awards in L.A. just happened to collapse? Though five hard-working American citizens were injured
in the “accident,” Russian officials remain insistent that all the debris landed
nowhere near where Best Actress nominee Julia Roberts would be walking
on Sunday. Take off your blinders, folks. The Russians are once again gearing
up for a superpower showdown, and the next time they decide to “harmlessly drop”
a spacestation, it won’t be aimed at the ocean. It will be pointed right at
the head of Benicio Del Toro.

FRIDAY MARCH
23
See?? What did we tell you?? The Rooskies vowed “retaliation” today in
response to the U.S.’s promised expulsion of about 50 red commies. The
incident brought the two nations once again to the brink of war, as protests
continued on both sides of the iron curtain, and U-2 photos showed more missiles
in Cuba. American officials, still on edge after last week’s Sputnik
launch, have upped submarine surveillance in the Bering Sea, and sent more advisors
to Indochina. No word yet on whether Kremlin officials will release Francis
Gary Powers, the U-2 pilot shot down over Soviet territory. Meanwhile, schoolchildren
in both world powers continue air raid drills in anticipation of thermonuclear
annihilation. Have a nice day.

SATURDAY MARCH
24
Weary of the same old water day after day? According to the New York
Times, a fellow in Queens (don’t all the best ideas come from Queens?) has
improved on nature’s nectar by adding more “oh” to “h-two-oh.” As in oxygen!
He claims that the oxygenated water, called “Oxygen8,” makes the drinker
feel more invigorated. He’s even tested it on the New York Jets–a
group of men known for their culinary sensitivity and fine-tuned self-awareness.
Sure enough, the Jets preferred Oxygen8 to ordinary water, though few could
define “oxygen.” Or count to eight.

SUNDAY MARCH
25
Today was the most sacrosanct of holidays, the most holy of Sabbaths–the
Academy Awards. Did you see us parading up the red carpet in our off the
shoulder, nipple-revealing Chanel? No? That’s because that brazen hussy Jennifer
Lopez wore our dress! There we were, about to be escorted from the limo
by Willie Aames when we see J-Lo on the limo TV in our gown. Well, we
could have died. We’d been moisturizing our nipples for weeks. And the exfoliation!
The ice packs in the limo to the keep our nipples perky and erect. All for naught.
What could we do? We gave Willie a peck and told the limo driver to take us
back to the Ramada. You know what the kicker is? The exact same thing happened
at the Grammys.

The Russians are coming. ann@portlandmercury.com