MONDAY APRIL 02
Today turned out to be a particularly bad day for George W. Bush, who
was humiliated by one of the world’s greatest living entertainers, Barbra Streisand.
In a blistering, invective-filled, three-page memo sent to top Democrats in Washington,
Babs accused Bush of stealing the election “though family ties, arrogance, and
intimidation, employing Republican operatives to exercise the tactics of voter
fraud by disenfranchising thousands of blacks, elderly Jews and other minorities.”
Unsurprisingly, Democrats responded favorably to the memo, probably saying something
like, “WOW! Hey, everybody! I got a letter from BARBRA STREISAND!” In response
to the memo, her publicist Dick Guttman put the fears of many Americans
to rest when he said that Babs has “no motivation to become a politician.” He
also stated that this memo should not be construed as an attack on Bush as a person,
because as we all know it’s “peoplepeople who NEED peopleare the LUCKiest peopllllllllllle
innnnn thhhheWORLLLLLLLLLD!” Thank you! Goodnight, everybody!
TUESDAY APRIL 03
In a shocking item reported in today’s Oregonian, it has come to the
attention of the courts that there are some among us who don’t like naked
people. For the last 30 years, free-spirited Portlanders have flocked to
Collins Beach on Sauvie Island for the opportunity to strip to the buff,
and let their juicy bits waggle. However, local homeowners (in particular Teri
Powers and hubby Glen Mark) have witnessed nudists openly canoodling and engaging in so-called lewd acts on and near their property, and so
are suing the Fish and Wildlife department to end nakedity on Collins Beach.
Presiding judge Ted Grove has vowed to issue an injunction to somehow relieve
the scandalized eyes of the homeowners, but did not say whether it would be
a straight-out ban on nudism. And while this may be bad news for those who like
to engage in a little rubby-dubby on the beach, we should all remember that
public nudity in Oregon is not illegal. So go ahead! Strip and browse
the “Gold Room” at Powell’s! Be the first naked teenager to enter the “Rose
Court!” Or maybe drop those panties and march right into Judge Grove’s courtroom–okay,
maybe that’s not such a good idea. The point is, beaches aren’t the only place
to get naked and besides, nobody likes getting sand in their crack.
WEDNESDAY APRIL 04
After that tongue-lashing from Babs on Monday, George W. needed some
good news and today he got it! According to the Miami Herald Show,
Bush would almost certainly have held his lead in the Florida election, even
if the U.S. Supreme Court hadn’t proved to be such chickenshits by stopping
the recount. Using the method of recounting favored by Al Gore, Bush’s
slight lead would have actually tripled, according to an analysis of the ballots
by the Herald. And if that irony isn’t enough, the only way Bush would’ve
lost is if the recount had been conducted under the severely restrictive standards
advocated by Republicans. Now, while this may seem to be bad news for
Gore supporters, it does mean the country can get back to the true business
at hand–blaming the Nader-Traitors for ruining the country. (Thought
we’d forgotten about you people, didn’t you?)
THURSDAY APRIL 05
From the land of hippies and Coors beer comes this truly horrifying story from
Golden, Colorado–and yes, maybe you’d better sit down. Today a damning video
was shown in the trial of two therapists accused of killing a child within their care. Ten-year-old Candace suffocated after being wrapped in a
sheet while undergoing a “rebirthing” therapy session. Abused by her
birth mother, and bounced around foster homes, Candace was having little success
with therapists. The newly adoptive mother decided to try a method of therapy
called “rebirthing” in which Candace would be tightly wrapped in a sheet (recreating the sensation of being in the womb) and forced to fight her way
out in order to be “reborn” to her new mother. The horrified jury in the case
witnessed a video of the process, in which the girl was heard screaming “I’m
going to die. Please, I can’t breathe,” before losing consciousness.
One of the therapists was heard saying “you want to die? Go ahead and die.”
It was 30 minutes before the therapists checked on her again and realized she
had lost consciousness. Candace Newmaker was taken to a local hospital where
she died the next day.
FRIDAY APRIL 06
For all those true blue Americans whose dream is to ring that everlasting symbol
of freedom, the Liberty Bell–well, it might not be a good idea. Today
in Philadelphia, PA, a homeless man dressed in military fatigues was arrested
for whacking the famous bell with a hammer in front of a bunch of stunned,
stupid tourists. In what federal park officials are calling an “attack,” the suspect stepped out of the tour group, shouted “something about freedom
and God,” and struck the bell four or five times with a small hammer. He was
quickly wrestled to the ground by park rangers and arrested. The pavilion which
houses the bell was then closed so preservationists could examine the several
blemishes and hammer imprints left by the so-called “attack.” Park Director
Frank Eidmann blubbered, “Anyone who attacks a national symbol is disturbed.
What he was disturbed about, we don’t know.” If declared competent, the man
could face up to seven years in prison–for ringing a publicly owned bell. And
so ends another striking example of your tax dollar at work.
SATURDAY APRIL 07
Tired of seeing your father walk around the house in his big white underpants,
singing “The Girl from Impanema”? Well, don’t put him in the nursing home, put
him to work as a singing, geriatric sex symbol! A London publicity
company has announced auditions for an over-50 all-male singing group in response to all those “talentless, manufactured boy-bands with all the longevity
of a butterfly.” Calling themselves “Man Band,” the group will tour the
world, singing and dancing and proving to everyone that it’s not just the youngsters
with the talent–it’s also the bald wrinkly guys who prance around the house
in big white underpants singing the “The Girl from Impanema!” You go, Pop!
SUNDAY APRIL 08
And finally, what better way to end the week than with an honest-to-Gawd Benicio
Del Toro sighting–and by that we don’t mean “seeing him” on the cover of
Talk magazine, or highly unlikely accounts of him selling drugs underneath
the Burnside Bridge. Hot Tipper Rebecca sought out Benicio the old-fashioned
way–by stalking him on the set of The Hunted. According to her, she
struggled to the fore of a large crowd watching the filming, and hopping erotically
up and down, got Mr. Del Toro’s attention. For her trouble she was rewarded
a “big smile,” a “wave” and–grab a dry pair of undergarments, ladies–an actual
“wink” from Benicio Del Toro! Naturally, the heavens opened, angels sang,
and Rebecca joined the small number of those who can claim to be truly blessed.
Meanwhile the percentage of female Mercury employees who would drop their
current boyfriends (and girlfriends!) to sleep with Benicio has risen to 98
percent.
Ann Romano-Del Toro- it just sounds right, doesn’t it? ann@portlandmercury.com