I ALWAYS ASSUMED I’d make my first million by 30. I put that goal out into the Universe over and over again, but either The Secret is total bullshit, or the Universe has been on vacation and forgot to create an out-of-office email reply. So here I am, in my golden years (early 30s), and my net worth is about a million dollars short of a million dollars.
But that isn’t going to stop me from living my life like a total baller. I’m going to act just like those rich people on my vision boards (which also haven’t worked), and you can too with these secrets guaranteed to make you feel like a rich person without the hard work and luck required to actually be rich.
Food and Drink
You don’t have to drop $50 on an entrée to feel like a baller, and you definitely don’t need to order tapas, the ultimate in restaurant scams, wherein you get small plates for large-plate prices. You can still hobnob with the hoity-toity by visiting their restaurants late in the evening and sticking to the dessert menu.
Eat spaghetti at home for the third time this week. Then head over to Veritable Quandary.
“Hi, what can I get you?”
“Actually, I just had a large meal of gold flakes and fried penguin fed to me by a team of Tahitian servants, so I’m pretty full. But what do you have for my sweet tooth?”
Then order a soufflé and a soda water and people-watch for 40 minutes while you wait for it to perfectly rise.
Portland City Grill makes a legit plate of fresh cookies, though crème brûlée is a more baller dessert to order, because it involves a blowtorch and you get to break something before you eat it. (Note: Crème brûlée is essentially just pudding for rich people.)
Departure has a banana split made with banana tempura, which is almost worth working your fingers to the bone so you can afford it.
All these desserts top out at about $10, and even though the wait staff will be visibly disappointed, nobody else will know you aren’t paying with a Black Card.
Looking for a more filling option? Just go to Chipotle and when they say “guac is $1.50 extra,” tell them “Money is no object.” Live like a king. (WAIT. I just read a newspaper. Don’t go to Chipotle.)
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