There’s a problem lurking in Southwest Portland. A conundrum. A botheration. A mistake. A big time fuck up. There’s a question that can’t possibly have a satisfying answer: Why is Portland State’s mascot a Viking? Ducks and Beavers may be goofy, harmless (yet endearing) mascots, but at least they make sense, because this state is full of ducks and beavers. University of Portland’s mascot is the Pilots, you know, like river pilots… like river pilots on the Columbia River… like river pilots who do not now, nor would they in any point in history, worry about Viking attacks. Western Oregon is the Wolves, which is pedestrian, but hell yeah Oregon has wolves (wolves who have never known the threat of a Viking’s cruel axe)! Eastern Oregon is the Mountaineers, and we have mountains. Southern Oregon is the Red Tailed Hawk, and we have those, too. Linfield College’s mascot is a Wildcat, which is so common a nickname that it was skewered by The Simpsons more than decade ago. But you can at least make the argument that Oregon, in all its UNBRIDLED ECOLOGICAL WILDNESS, is the home of several different kinds of wildcats.
Where the fuck are the Vikings?
WHERE ARE THE VIKINGS, PORTLAND STATE? WHY. THE FUCK. ARE YOU. THE VIKINGS? I TRIED GOOGLING THE ANSWER, AND GAVE UP AFTER 10 MINUTES.
Whatever the answer, there’s no way I’m going to be okay with it. The guy who founded the college was probably just Swedish, and that’s not enough for me. Unless Randy Moss traveled back through time and founded the school with money he was going to spend on fishing lures, I will not relent.
Portland State recently unveiled a redesign of their logo. It looks more modern now, but it’s still a viking, so it’s still dumb as fuck. As an alumnus of Portland State University, I’m furious, and won’t rest until the mascot is changed to something that makes more sense (or until something on Twitter makes me mad and I forget all about this). Portland State is the college that’s the MOST in Portland, so why don’t we give it the most Portland mascot? I’ve got some suggestions.
The Brewers
★The Baristas
★The Landlords
★The Rasheed Wallaces
★The Millionaire Advertising Executives Complaining About How There Aren’t Any Good
Dive Bars Anymore
★The Preferred Pronouns
★The Rooftop Wind Turbines
★The Caucasian Drum Store Owners
★The That House That Everyone Says Modest Mouse Lives In
Near That Tennis Courts
★The Wildcats
Hear! hear!
It was originally in Vanport, known for the shipyards located there before the horrible flooding on May 30th 1948 that displaced a whole city, killing 15. Flooding that also caused the university to move. Coincidentally the Vikings were also known for building ships, displacing whole cities and killing people. Just a theory. I vote for the fighting Sea Lions! Those bastards are smart!
The PSU Birds…put a bird on it.
Don’t you live in LA? Fuck off.
How was this fat piece of shit able to LA without his grease filled bloating heart exploding?
I didn’t read this but I bet it wasn’t funny at all because Ian Karmel is a fat hack.
The Portland State Hugs
The Portland State Woodsmen
The Portland State Nymphs
The Portland State Zombies
The Portland State Farmers Market
The Portland State Humans
The Portland State Organics
The Portland State Kale Chips
The Portland State Vaporizers
The Portland State Pit Bulls
The Portland State 99%’ers
The Portland State Wanderers
The Portland State Tickle Warriors
The Portland State British Accents
The Portland State Fixies
The Portland State Vibes
The Portland State YOLO’s
The Portland State Beer-Farts
The Portland State Millenials
The Portland State Butt Chuggers
The Portland State Unitards
The Portland State Strippers
The Portland State Voodoo
The Portland State White Ponies
The Portland State Memes
The Portland State Caucasians
The Portland State Cover Bands
The Portland State Flannels
The Portland State Brown Recluses
The Portland State Kittehs
The Portland State Ehrmehgherds
The Portland State Summer Solstice Firedancers
What’s with “don’t you live in LA,” shit? He’s from here and his hearts here. Go fuck a duck, you lousy wannabe-nativist twats. When Neil and Bizz went to the moon, it’s not like they stopped being Earthlings.
Just like every Washington Redskins game is an hours-long endorsement of racism and genocide, every PSU Vikings game is a love letter to imperialism and rape culture.