MONDAY, JULY 18
Have we finally met a foe so vile that even we cannot survive its vicious assault? Welp, guess we’re about to find out, because the Republican National Convention The Donald J. Trump White Supremacy Hootenanny ‘n’ Screamathon kicked off today in Cleveland! Deep breaths, dears. Deep breaths. FIRST UP… Trump’s wife Melania Trump took the podium, and the goal for the Slovenian-born model was to humanize her husband… or was it? Because as viewers quickly realized, parts of Melania’s speech—which she’d bragged about writing herself—were plagiarized from another speech… one given by Michelle Obama! But hey, look on the bright side, Melania: At least only 23 million people were watching. MEANWHILE… Melania’s cringe-inducing gaffe was merely one of the tragedies in Cleveland—where Republicans, marching in lockstep with their new leader, proved even more racist and fear-mongering than expected. (And c’mon. We were expecting a lot.) “If Donald Trump is elected president, it’s not going to matter whether, or why, Melania Trump’s 2016 Republican National Convention speech lifted a paragraph from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Democratic National Convention speech,” pointed out Vox’s Dara Lind. “More than any particular thing said during the first night of the GOP convention, what was alarming was its tone. It was an incredibly dark, even apocalyptic message: that America is under constant attack from enemies within and without, it’s losing, and soon it will be too late to rescue at all.” OKAY… We’ll admit it: We could only take watching the convention for so long before we knocked back even more martinis than usual and fired up Netflix to binge Stranger Things! Look, if we’re going to watch sobbing people ramble about delusions of a horrifying, monster-filled shadow-world lurking just beneath the surface of our own, we’d much rather have that person be Winona Ryder than Rudy Giuliani.
TUESDAY, JULY 19
And now, let’s step away from the right-wing paranoiacs of Cleveland and toward… oh, great. The right-wing paranoiacs of Oregon. Sigh. “Federal prosecutors said Monday that Ryan Bundy tore his bed sheets and braided them together into 12-15 feet of rope in an attempt to escape Multnomah County Jail,” reported OPB’s Conrad Wilson and Ryan Haas, keeping everyone up to date on our least-favorite Malheur National Wildlife Refuge occupier! According to OPB, Assistant US Prosecutor Geoffrey Barrow “said jail staff found the braided rope under Bundy’s mattress,” as well as “containers of extra food along with six pillowcases, a chair, two extra pairs of boxers, and more torn sheets.” While Barrow pointed out that this, clearly, was “actual evidence that he tried to escape”—professional dumbass Bundy did his best to persuade bailiffs they were only “comfort” items, and that, as a rancher, he was just “trying to practice braiding rope.” So weird that this guy and his bumbling buddies somehow failed to overthrow the United States government. So weird!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 20
As you no doubt remember from last week, dears, Taylor Swift was caught in a HUMILIATING LIE when it was revealed that—contrary to her repeated claims—Kanye West did ask her for, and did receive, permission to mention her in his hit single “Famous.” Intriguingly, it was a secret recording that did Tay-Tay in—a secret recording that Kim Kardashian, Kanye’s better half (worse half? who even knows anymore), posted on Snapchat. And this week, the hard-hitting journalists at BuzzFeed discovered a… fitting quote from a 2015 radio interview with Taylor! “I have a lot of issues with buildings like this,” Swift said at the time, “’cause I always feel like someone has bugged the room, and is either videoing me or recording me. So that’s one of my paranoias.” AND SO… We arrive at the obvious conclusion: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West somehow know Taylor’s deepest, darkest fears, and are working tirelessly to make sure they come true. (Wait—do Kim and Kanye know everyone’s worst fears? Are they trying to make all of our nightmares come true? Because that would kind of explain a lot. Like, all of 2016.)
THURSDAY, JULY 21
It’s time for another edition of One Day at a Time’s fan-favorite celebrity segment, “Where Are They Currently?”—today starring Jon Gosselin! Longtime readers remember Jon as the dumpy daddy on the loathed TLC reality show Jon & Kate Plus Eight… which became Kate Plus Eight after the pair’s nasty-ass divorce. Jon remained in the public eye for a short time afterward, however, thanks to his proclivity for nanny-banging, dating significantly younger women, and threatening to star in a new reality show with “Octomom” Nadya Suleman. (Oh man, remember her?!? Good times. Goooood tiiiiimes.) “BUT WHERE IS HE TODAY?” you may be asking yourself. Well, you’ll be happy to know he’s really moved up in the world—as a party-rockin’ DJ at a Pennsylvania T.G.I. Friday’s (where he’s also one of the cooks). Now before you pooh-pooh Jon’s dream of being a world-class DJ, just remember that Calvin Harris had to start somewhere (though probably not at a T.G.I. Friday’s) before he began spinning at global festivals, the Vegas Strip, and eventually getting dumped by Taylor Swift. So keep reaching for the stars, Jon! (As well as the checkbook. Eight kids equal a LOT of child support.)
FRIDAY, JULY 22
If you like racism and fear-mongering, then you probably LOVED Donald Trump’s convention speech last night in which he accepted the Republican nomination. From the New York Times: “Mr. Trump portrayed the United States as a diminished and even humiliated nation, and offered himself as an all-powerful savior who could resurrect the country’s standing in the eyes of both enemies and law-abiding Americans.” And who are these enemies, according to Trump? Undocumented immigrants—like the ones from Mexico who make up much of Trump’s personal workforce—whom he compares to ISIS and other terrorist organizations. Despite his hateful rhetoric, Trump had at least one person cheering for him: Former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke, who tweeted the following immediately after Trump’s speech. “Great Trump Speech, America First! Stop Wars! Defeat the Corrupt elites! Protect our Borders!, Fair Trade! Couldn’t have said it better!” Yep. He probably couldn’t have.
SATURDAY, JULY 23
Let the bells ring and confetti fall! Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has chosen her vice presidential running mate, and it is [drum roll… CRASH!]… a boring white dude named Senator Tim Kaine. Yaaaaaaay. (Cough, cough.) Oh, well. Hmm. So anyway… let’s see what Lindsay Lohan is up to! As you know, Ms. LiLo has been annoyingly quiet as of late, presumably snuggling contentedly in the arms of her unfortunately named socialite boyfriend Egor Tarabasov. Or Is SHE?!? Us Weekly reports that Linds went on a social media rampage tonight when Egor didn’t arrive home on time following a night on the town. On various platforms, she slurringly accused Egor of banging a Russian hooker, and hinted that she was possibly PREGNANT. (Ohhhh noooo. Did our national nightmare just become a reality?) Regardless, we know Egor eventually returned home, because the Sun posted a grainy video allegedly showing Lindsay screaming her lungs out on their balcony at 5 am, claiming Egor tried to strangle her. However, when cops arrived, the London flat was empty—though later in the day Lindsay submitted another Instagram post saying she was fine, and asking if we could please mind our own business. “I would be extremely grateful if my fiancé and myself could discuss our personal matters on our own. There are more important things going on in the world than our relationship.” Yes, but… but… YOU were the one posting weird Instagrams and screaming from your balcony and… and… oh, Lindsay! This is why we can never quit you!
SUNDAY, JULY 24
Buckle your seatbelts: This weekend, 20,000 emails were hacked and stolen from the Democratic National Committee and later released by WikiLeaks. This triggered the resignation of DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, whose emails revealed that she’d been pulling for Hillary Clinton rather than Bernie Sanders during the campaign. (Understandable… but still unfair.) This revelation sent Bernie supporters into fits, just in time for the Democratic National Convention starting in Philadelphia this week. (As if there weren’t enough drama in this election already.) OH, BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! So how did those juicy emails get into the grubby paws of WikiLeaks and the American public? Some cyber-attack researchers blame Russian President Vladimir Putin, who allegedly ordered the cyber hit to cause discord among voters and swing the election in favor of Donald Trump, an avowed admirer of the Russian leader. Okay, NOW you’ve got our attention! Get your popcorn and martinis ready, dears, because this convention is gonna be juicier than House of Cards and all of The Real Housewives combined!