Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, and Merry Christmas! We don’t even believe in Jesus, and yet? Who can argue with Christmas? It’s a truly magical time of year that reflects the best humanity has to offer—like putting others’ happiness before our own, and ignoring stupid things like “work” or “the news” in order to focus on friends and family. Even in the cursed year of 2017, we don’t think anyone could ruin Christma—oh, goddammit, Kim and Kanye! THIS JUST IN… “Kim Kardashian West received the perfect stock-ing stuffers for Christmas,” reports People magazine, insufferably. “The media mogul was surprised by her husband, Kanye West, with several lucrative investments in some of today’s wealthiest companies—including the Walt Disney Company, Netflix, Amazon, Apple, and Adidas.” “Best husband alert!” Kim proclaimed on Insta, making sure to reveal that her Disney shares are valued at $100,000 and her Adidas stock is worth about $169,000—and that’s not including those other investments, which People guesses Kanye “spent about $100,000” on. So that makes our Christmas gift for Hubby Kip (a $20 gift card to Outback Steakhouse, which trust us, he loves) seem pretty crummy in comparison, and it makes Hubby Kip’s Christmas gift to us (uh, a half-empty box of Franzia with a bow on top, which trust us, is already gone) seem real crummy in comparison. And with that, Christmas is ruined. Thanks for NOTHING, Kimye. It’s enough to make you think Krampus is a Kardashian.
Speaking of questionable holiday gifts, remember that time that darling actress Margot Robbie found a severed human foot on a beach? NO?!? Then by all means, enjoy the following story…