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We’ve all been there—an online date that goes horribly, hilariously wrong or starts so badly it never gets off the ground in the first place. Don’t just tell your friends… TELL IT TO THE WORLD!

Now you can turn your dreadfully funny experience into COLD HARD CASH with the Mercury’s “Online Dating War Stories” Essay Contest! We’ll print the most entertaining true tales in an upcoming issue of the Mercury, and the best of the best will win $300 cash!

Here are the rules:

• Write your TRUE story describing an online date that went terribly wrong (or flopped even before it began) in 500 words or less, leaving out the names of the guilty and innocent. (Your story can be anonymous, but if you want to be eligible for the prize, please include your name in your email. We won’t print your name, we promise!)

• Email your story to datingwarstory@portlandmercury.com by FRIDAY, JANUARY 24.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)